Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Jeff Ireland to Answer Questions From Your Puny Little Minds Today

In his blog post today, Arrrrrrrrmando blows his wad on some dude's face clears his notebook and tells us a bunch of shit that really isn't all that earth shattering. He starts by writing this:

Occassionally my job is to play fireman, putting out fires started by rumor-mongers or amateur bloggers posing as reporters with sources that are neither accurate nor credible.

Oh, you mean amateur blog posts with inaccurate sources.... LIKE THIS? Or how bout maybe.... uh..... THIS?

He also touches on the JT thing. His crack analysis tells us that the Patriots remain the favorites to land 99. Armando also mentions a couple of "under the radar" players that the Dolphins might pick up after the drat, much like they did with Devone Bess last year:

And that's where the names Vincent and Victor Anderson come into play. Both are under-the-radar players who have the feel of college free agents with the chance to make a team. Both worked out in front of six teams at the Missouri Western Pro Day.

The Dolphins were one of the six teams.

Agent Jeffrey Wolf says Victor ran a 4.40 in the 40 and bench pressed 225 pounds 25 times -- impressive numbers for a 6-2 and 215-pound man. Vincent, also 6-2 and 215, ran a 4.42 and did the bench 23 times.

Nice job, Cockenstein. Now PFT will post this and everyone in the NFL will know about these dudes and have their eyes on them as well, because they all know Parcells knows his shit. And then you have the gall to bitch about Parcells barring you from any inside info. You fucking duck vagina.

Anyway, the whole part about re-visiting how we out-scooped Armando on the Carey and Bell re-signings and then calling him a duck vagina was all just an introduction to let you know that Jeff Ireland is having a live chat with Dolphins fans today. 

The chat starts at 10:45 AM and you can submit your questions in advance here. Be sure to ask him if he thinks FN is awesome or merely just fantastico.

On Draft Day, All Other Teams That Employ the 3-4 Defense Can Suck It

Because the NFL is filled with unoriginal dildos, just about every team now employs the 3-4 system in their defense. This trend has been made popular in recent times thanks to the success of the Steelers and Patriots. But it was Bill Parcells that mastered the system back in the 80's. Bill Belichick learned the 3-4 from Parcells and that, in turn, helped Belichick win a couple of Super Bowls this decade (along with a camcorder and some video tape -- oh!!! snap!!!)

So now everybody uses the 3-4. Because fuck you innovation and originality!

But the Dolphins have one up on all the others. Bill Parcells himself. And that gives the Fins the edge when it comes to drafting dudes who fit into the 3-4.

....although the Dolphins might have more competition in finding the proper players to fit their system, don't be alarmed. After all, when it comes to finding 3-4 players, Parcells is the best in the business.

The article goes on to say that Jeff Ireland is learning everything he can from Parcells, and has already proven to he can find players for the 3-4 back when the two were in Dallas. So if and when Parcells walks, we'll be in good hands with Ireland. That's good news because now that everyone is in on the 3-4, it makes it tougher to get the players.

''It's a little bit like the West Coast offense ... this league was a heavy West Coast offense,'' Belichick said. ``So it's trendy.'' 

''It's cyclical,'' Belichick said. ``And now the 3-4 defense seems to be as popular as it was in the '80s when they had some Pro Bowl positions.''

The Dolphins can only hope Parcells' mastery of the art during that era can keep the latest newcomers from spoiling their fun.

We've got Parcells and we've got Ireland. These dudes start the trends. And when others try to copy it, it just shows how much better they are than everyone else. So we'll be fine. And we'll be taking exactly who we want during the draft while everyone else is scrambling to find the right guys and then hoping they don't flop. In other news, Bill Belichick can go get fucked with a gargantuan monkey fist.

Jeff Ireland Makes My Nipples Explode

"I can't express it in the proper words other than to say this is a tremendous honor to have this chance. I was born to do this. This is my love. This is my passion. I eat, sleep and drink football, personnel, acquisitions, the player procurement process, all of it. This is what I'm all about. This will get done under my watch. I can promise you the effort and the passion will be there. I won't sleep until it gets done"

--Dolphins General Manager & Straight Up Pimp, Jeff Ireland on the challenge of working to bring greatness back to the franchise.

(hat tip to Phinsider)

Jeff Ireland Is A Genius. Maybe.

Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland held a press conference today to talk about next week's draft. The whole thing was a fairly boring, cliche' filled presser. Then he apparently, perhaps, maybe, let the proverbial cat out of the bag and revealed the Fins' true intentions with the first overall pick.

Asked about the first overall pick, Ireland answered: "I'm going after the player that best fits us. I don't want bad guys on my team. Of course, I want guys with great upside. This is the first pick of the draft. You hope that this guy is going to be a pillar of your defense for a long time.

He kept on blathering but was interrupted when the press corps started laughing. "What did I say?" Ireland asked.

The press told him he said the first pick will be a pillar of the defense.

"That was a Freudian slip," he coyly said.

Someone then asked him if what he did was a smoke screen. "That's for you guys to decide," he answered.

So there you go. Either Jeff Ireland threw out a smoke screen or he royally fucked up and let us all know the Fins' true intentions. Or maybe he's just a fantastic actor. (My guess, as a super sexy bloggy football expert, is that he fucked up)

The main problem here, of course, is that Miami has been very guarded with what their true intentions for the number one overall pick are. They clearly want to trade out of the number one slot, so letting others in on the fact that they're really looking to draft Chris Long or Vernon Gholston is a good way to get teams to back away from a possible trade. There's also the matter of these on-going contract negotiations. If they truly want to convince a guy to sign for less, they have to make it clear that they really like the other players -- on both sides of the ball -- they're talking to.

This can be a big deal. Maybe not. Whatever. It is what it is. Jeff Ireland either just pulled off one of the all time greatest smoke screens with that little "slip of the tongue." Or he's, right now as you're reading this, getting the ever living shit kicked out of him by Bill Parcells.

Anyway, you can watch the presser here. Skolnick has his take on it here. Salguero's take here.

Jeff Ireland Is A Genius. Maybe.

Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland held a press conference today to talk about next week's draft. The whole thing was a fairly boring, cliche' filled presser. Then he apparently, perhaps, maybe, let the proverbial cat out of the bag and revealed the Fins' true intentions with the first overall pick.

Asked about the first overall pick, Ireland answered: "I'm going after the player that best fits us. I don't want bad guys on my team. Of course, I want guys with great upside. This is the first pick of the draft. You hope that this guy is going to be a pillar of your defense for a long time.

He kept on blathering but was interrupted when the press corps started laughing. "What did I say?" Ireland asked.

The press told him he said the first pick will be a pillar of the defense.

"That was a Freudian slip," he coyly said.

Someone then asked him if what he did was a smoke screen. "That's for you guys to decide," he answered.

So there you go. Either Jeff Ireland threw out a smoke screen or he royally fucked up and let us all know the Fins' true intentions. Or maybe he's just a fantastic actor. (My guess, as a super sexy bloggy football expert, is that he fucked up)

The main problem here, of course, is that Miami has been very guarded with what their true intentions for the number one overall pick are. They clearly want to trade out of the number one slot, so letting others in on the fact that they're really looking to draft Chris Long or Vernon Gholston is a good way to get teams to back away from a possible trade. There's also the matter of these on-going contract negotiations. If they truly want to convince a guy to sign for less, they have to make it clear that they really like the other players -- on both sides of the ball -- they're talking to.

This can be a big deal. Maybe not. Whatever. It is what it is. Jeff Ireland either just pulled off one of the all time greatest smoke screens with that little "slip of the tongue." Or he's, right now as you're reading this, getting the ever living shit kicked out of him by Bill Parcells.

Anyway, you can watch the presser here. Skolnick has his take on it here. Salguero's take here.

Dolphins Axe Trent Green, Marty Booker and others

 

The Dolphins have cut Trent Green, Marty Booker, LJ Shelton and Keith Traylor, among others today. They also cut Anthony Alabi, Anthony Bryant, Marion Dukes and Joe Toledo.

Toledo -- the guy everyone thought was a Nick Saban draft day steal even though his knees were made of glass, gone. Shelton is also free to go eat as many donuts as his heart desires. And Marty Booker is gone too? Man am I going to miss it when he catches a pass and then immediately falls down even though there isn't a defender within 10 yards of him. And Trent Green? Trent Green! Gone! Free to throw interceptions and die from brain trauma on some other team! Fuck and yes!!

GM Jeff Ireland sent them off with a statement:

"'This is never easy, especially since all of these players worked hard during their tenure here,'' Dolphins general manager Jeff Ireland said in a statement. ``In particular, in the case of each of the veterans, it's especially difficult to release players who have been productive and valued members of the organization. However, we feel these decisions are in the best interest of the team. I want to thank all of them for their contributions to the Dolphins and wish them good luck.''

Nice. I would've said something more along the lines of, "Jesus these fucking guys suck. Damn. How can a bunch of so-called professional football players suck so bad? I haven't seen this much sucking since I saw Lindsey Lohan in a men's room at Mansion. And people wonder how this team managed to only win one fucking game. It was a pleasure showing these no-talent sacks of shit the door. I almost came in my pants when I made it official I was THAT excited. Good riddance you fucking losers! We wish them good luck."

This is why I can never be a General Manager. That and the fact that my horoscope today says I'm going to succeed in the business of homemaking and interior design any day now. Weee!!

Dolphins Axe Trent Green, Marty Booker and others

 

The Dolphins have cut Trent Green, Marty Booker, LJ Shelton and Keith Traylor, among others today. They also cut Anthony Alabi, Anthony Bryant, Marion Dukes and Joe Toledo.

Toledo -- the guy everyone thought was a Nick Saban draft day steal even though his knees were made of glass, gone. Shelton is also free to go eat as many donuts as his heart desires. And Marty Booker is gone too? Man am I going to miss it when he catches a pass and then immediately falls down even though there isn't a defender within 10 yards of him. And Trent Green? Trent Green! Gone! Free to throw interceptions and die from brain trauma on some other team! Fuck and yes!!

GM Jeff Ireland sent them off with a statement:

"'This is never easy, especially since all of these players worked hard during their tenure here,'' Dolphins general manager Jeff Ireland said in a statement. ``In particular, in the case of each of the veterans, it's especially difficult to release players who have been productive and valued members of the organization. However, we feel these decisions are in the best interest of the team. I want to thank all of them for their contributions to the Dolphins and wish them good luck.''

Nice. I would've said something more along the lines of, "Jesus these fucking guys suck. Damn. How can a bunch of so-called professional football players suck so bad? I haven't seen this much sucking since I saw Lindsey Lohan in a men's room at Mansion. And people wonder how this team managed to only win one fucking game. It was a pleasure showing these no-talent sacks of shit the door. I almost came in my pants when I made it official I was THAT excited. Good riddance you fucking losers! We wish them good luck."

This is why I can never be a General Manager. That and the fact that my horoscope today says I'm going to succeed in the business of homemaking and interior design any day now. Weee!!

Dolphins Are Ready To Hear Offers

Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland has made it official. The Dolphins are ready to hear offers for the overall number one pick. Or not.

Said Ireland: "Rome wasn't built in a day, and this won't be built in a day either. The No. 1 pick is no different from the 22nd pick. You've got to make the right selection. You just can't miss on it. We're going to do everything in our power to make the right choices, whether it be to take the pick or move down. We'll listen to all offers.

"We're open for business."

Did everybody catch that? Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will this shit. Armando Salguero's readers heads just exploded (as did the heads of the members of the Dolphins fan sites' Message Board Morons Brigade).

I'm warming up to the idea of trading away the pick, seeing that there isn't one player that really stands out for me (I still love McFadden but waved bye-bye to him as soon as Parcells waddled his fat ass in the door). But it's going to be tough trying to get a good deal. It really comes down to how much in love teams are with Glenn Dorsey or McFadden.

I'm in love with myself. And some would say that is the most important love of all.

Dolphins Are Ready To Hear Offers

Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland has made it official. The Dolphins are ready to hear offers for the overall number one pick. Or not.

Said Ireland: "Rome wasn't built in a day, and this won't be built in a day either. The No. 1 pick is no different from the 22nd pick. You've got to make the right selection. You just can't miss on it. We're going to do everything in our power to make the right choices, whether it be to take the pick or move down. We'll listen to all offers.

"We're open for business."

Did everybody catch that? Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will this shit. Armando Salguero's readers heads just exploded (as did the heads of the members of the Dolphins fan sites' Message Board Morons Brigade).

I'm warming up to the idea of trading away the pick, seeing that there isn't one player that really stands out for me (I still love McFadden but waved bye-bye to him as soon as Parcells waddled his fat ass in the door). But it's going to be tough trying to get a good deal. It really comes down to how much in love teams are with Glenn Dorsey or McFadden.

I'm in love with myself. And some would say that is the most important love of all.

Things Are Looking More Sparano Around Here

(very limited supply of Tony Sparano pics in my computer)

Looks like all signs are pointing to Sparano becoming the next head coach of your Miami Dolphins. Armando Salguero reports on his blog that Jeff Ireland is on his way to (or has already arrived in) Dallas to pick up Sparano and bring him on over.

Meanwhile, PFT had this to say about the coaching interviews conducted by Parcells in the last couple of weeks:

"Parcells has improved the standing of guys like [Mike] Tice and Jim Schwartz and Leslie Frazier, potentially getting each of them raises by giving them interviews for a job that everyone knew was going to Sparano. More importantly, the favors that Parcells has done for these guys will only increase the Tuna's sphere of power and influence around the league.
Frankly, Parcells is no longer the Tuna . . . he's the Godfather."

And that's awesome. Because having Parcells' sphere of power and influence grow is a very good thing for us all. Also because The Godfather is the single greatest movie of all time. Parcells is building his "family" with his guys. He essentially had the old regime wacked (Cam Cameron as Fredo!) and brought in his own "Michael" (Ireland) to run the show.

Meanwhile, Sparano will be Fat Clemeza. Because it's the character he most resembles. Joey Porter is Sonny, because he's always angry and getting into fights. Me? I'm Batman. Because I'm a blogger with a secret identity who lives and works in his mother's basement a batcave. Plus, I have Batman jammies. So I've got that going for me.