Well that was the tits, was it not? All week long, I had the sweats thinking about what Brandon Marshall was going to do to our secondary. And yet, our secondary stepped up and said, "Chills the fuck out, Dude. We gots this. Gangsta!" and had it's finest performance of the season. And it all started with Will Allen's 32-yard INT return for a touchdown. After that, it was all just a formality. Jay Cutler throwing 3 picks, Marshall being completely emasculated, Denver committing penalties left and right. It was magical. Best part of Sunday's win was watching the Broncos go all Bobby Brown-Whitney Houston before our very eyes:
Uber-Douche Cutler throwing towels on the field, Marshall walking off to the sidelines like a girl who just got the old
cock-in-the-popcorn trick pulled on her at the movies, and Mike Shanahan looking like that guy in Scanners just before his head explodes. Seriously, I've never seen such a collective hissy fit from one team during a game. Sure, we've seen Tom Brady do it. But an entire team? This was new. And it was the awesomeness.
The defense was iron-clad, holding Denver's running backs to a mere 14 yards for the entire game. The secondary just completely man-handled the Denver receivers. And Yeremiah "
I'm Yeremiah Bell Muthafucka!" Bell did what he does, leading the way with 6 tackles, but leaving the game sad because, once again, he was unable to dislodge someone's large intestine. Next time, Yeremiah. We know you can do it. Meanwhile, J-Peezey picked up his 11th and a half sack of the season and did that kicky celebration thing that he does. Greg Camarillo set a career high with 11 catches for 111 yards. And what more can we say about Ricky and Ronnie? Ricky showed just how invaluable he truly is with that balls-of-steel-and-mortar catch that set up the nail-in-the-coffin touchdown. And Ronnie finally got 20 carries. The yardage total wasn't all that great, but I'm telling you: Ronnie touches the rock 20+ times, we win. Period.
Shit, even Jason Allen got in on the gangbang with that first INT that sort of set the tone for the rest of the game. And while Chad Pennington had plenty of moments that made me all
grab-my-junk-n-shake-it-at-the-television, he was solid enough when it counted. During that last drive, after the Broncos took the momentum with a TD, the Denver crowd going batshit, the stadium shaking, the pressure most definitely on, Pennington showed us all he has a sack that can fit the entire Rocky Mountains. A gargantuan, pasty sack. Pennington led the Fins down the field with those patented
"Holy-Fuck-That's-Gonna-Get-Picked-Oh-Shit-What-A-Pass!" passes of his that culminated in the Ronnie TD to seal the deal. And it was game time. And the beer flowed. And the high-fives commenced. And the hookers danced into the night. What a great country we live in! Next up: Seattle. Can you think of a more kickass way to start the week? I can't. Well, aside from maybe getting a full friction lap dance from Megan Fox. But still. This is almost as good.
Other random thoughts I had during the game:
- Ted Ginn Jr. is beginning to realize that, yes, you are indeed allowed to run in football.
- Why must our special teams act like my uncle at Thanksgiving and dip its nuts in the cranberry sauce in full view of grandma, resulting in everyone's fun being ruined?
- Every time the TV showed a close up of Mike Shanahan, you could just barely hear that creaky leathery noise that shoes make.
- Vernon Carey's lack of push is beginning to concern me. Take a vitamin or two, Vern.
- Sorry Timmy. But I think it's time to euthanize the Wildcat (-6 yards in this game).
- Our offense really needs to get their shit together on 3rd and 10 or more.
- Jesus, how slow are our linebackers? This slow: a random, white, seventh-round draft pick fullback from Conway, Arkansas named Peyton Hillis caught 7 passes for 116 yards and a TD.
- Eddie Royal: Why can't we draft guys like that?
- It's official: Jay Cutler has the most punchable face in the NFL.
- Man do those mini 100 Grand bars look like little pieces of turd. But they're fucking delicious.
- This was the most fired up I've ever seen Tony Sparano during a game. I think Shanahan might have shat his pants.
- Brandon Fields now leads the team in most likely to get an ass full of huge fuckin' calves before the season is over.
- Don't look now, but the Dolphins suddenly find themselves balls deep in the Wild Card hunt, and just one game back in the AFC East. Tits.
