Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Weekender: The Robot, The Mormon & The Moron: Who Will Step Up?

 

Okay Nation. Time to put on our football-nerd hats and talk about some serious shit. There are some great story-lines coming out of Dolphins camp so far. Like Derek Hagan's seemingly impressive practices, Phillip Merling and Jake Long getting into a scuffle and Joey Porter laying the smack on dudes left and right. But no matter what, the bottom line remains: this team will only be as good as its quarterback. And as far as I've heard and read, all three are pretty much drinking The Suck juice by the gallon.

Let's look at what we've got in The Robot, The Mormon and The Moron, shall we? We shall! To the Idiotmobile, chums!....

Weekender: The Robot, The Mormon & The Moron: Who Will Step Up?

 

Okay Nation. Time to put on our football-nerd hats and talk about some serious shit. There are some great story-lines coming out of Dolphins camp so far. Like Derek Hagan's seemingly impressive practices, Phillip Merling and Jake Long getting into a scuffle and Joey Porter laying the smack on dudes left and right. But no matter what, the bottom line remains: this team will only be as good as its quarterback. And as far as I've heard and read, all three are pretty much drinking The Suck juice by the gallon.

Let's look at what we've got in The Robot, The Mormon and The Moron, shall we? We shall! To the Idiotmobile, chums!....

God Has Smote Josh McCown

Looks like the quarterback competition prayer-off between Josh McCown and John Beck has taken an interesting turn. A Texas TV station is reporting that McCown has injured his throwing hand in a wood cutting incident. Actually, he almost lost a finger. Thaaaaat's right.

McCown needed six stitches to the index finger on his right hand a couple of weeks ago when he was injured while he and his brother, Luke, were cutting firewood. Josh McCown told Tyler television station KETK that he was holding the firewood and his brother, a backup quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, made the mistake of cutting his finger instead of the firewood.

I've been saying all along that the QB job was going to come down to who prayed the hardest between these two. Looks like today, the advantage goes to Beck. Mormons are a mysterious bunch, what with their magical underwear and their blockbuster sequel to The Bible. Plus they have Donnie Osmond, so right there one should know not to fuck with a Mormon.

But, to be fair, I think Jesus hasn't been sure which way to go with this. Both Beck and McCown have been pretty devout. But then someone goes and does something somewhat imprudent like holding firewood while someone else tries to chop it.

So it's now clear that Jesus doesn't necessarily side with the pious but, rather, will take sides against the fucktard.

Christ.

God Has Smote Josh McCown

Looks like the quarterback competition prayer-off between Josh McCown and John Beck has taken an interesting turn. A Texas TV station is reporting that McCown has injured his throwing hand in a wood cutting incident. Actually, he almost lost a finger. Thaaaaat's right.

McCown needed six stitches to the index finger on his right hand a couple of weeks ago when he was injured while he and his brother, Luke, were cutting firewood. Josh McCown told Tyler television station KETK that he was holding the firewood and his brother, a backup quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, made the mistake of cutting his finger instead of the firewood.

I've been saying all along that the QB job was going to come down to who prayed the hardest between these two. Looks like today, the advantage goes to Beck. Mormons are a mysterious bunch, what with their magical underwear and their blockbuster sequel to The Bible. Plus they have Donnie Osmond, so right there one should know not to fuck with a Mormon.

But, to be fair, I think Jesus hasn't been sure which way to go with this. Both Beck and McCown have been pretty devout. But then someone goes and does something somewhat imprudent like holding firewood while someone else tries to chop it.

So it's now clear that Jesus doesn't necessarily side with the pious but, rather, will take sides against the fucktard.

Christ.

South Florida Is the New Utah

Unless you want to read a riveting story on why Josh McCown thinks he'll suck less in Miami than he did in Arizona, Detroit or Oakland, there's not much going on in the news for the Fins. So, with time and space to kill, we present to you a special news brief along with some commentary that is sure to piss some people off and earn us a lot of angry e-mails. But what the hell. Here goes: Your Miami Dolphins are now the all-time league leaders in Mormons! We currently have six Latter Day Saints on our roster. Here's your Miami Dolphin LDS breakdown (feel free to consult this list when you have your All Religion Fantasy Football league draft):

QB John Beck: The original baby! He is The Mormon. And he shall lead this glorious band of fantastical six Latter Day Saints!

Long Snapper John Denney: When you're the team's long snapper, you're going to spend a shitload of time on the bench. Why not spend that time reading? Why not the Book of Mormon? Nothing makes time go by between punts like a book featuring Native Americans and Jesus!

OL Shaun Murphy: At 6-3, 330 pounds and with a buzzcut fit for a psych ward patient, Murphy is just the latest in the legion of badasses throughout Mormon history. Badasses like Donnie Osmond, for example.

LB Kelly Poppinga: Will be a special teams stalwart thanks to strong legs powered by 12 hour bike rides through your neighborhood.

Center Samson Satele: As a Samoan, he's part of the smallest racial group in the United States. But the Church of the LDS wants Mormons to have like 12 kids, so it'll all even out.

 WR Davone Bess: As long as Bess remains a Miami Dolphin, when the LDS Church leaders take their annual membership census, they'll know where they can find the black guy.

So there you go! Miami Dolphins, Mormon strong! Mitt Romney and special underwear wearers everywhere approve! And, hey... could be worse.

South Florida Is the New Utah

Unless you want to read a riveting story on why Josh McCown thinks he'll suck less in Miami than he did in Arizona, Detroit or Oakland, there's not much going on in the news for the Fins. So, with time and space to kill, we present to you a special news brief along with some commentary that is sure to piss some people off and earn us a lot of angry e-mails. But what the hell. Here goes: Your Miami Dolphins are now the all-time league leaders in Mormons! We currently have six Latter Day Saints on our roster. Here's your Miami Dolphin LDS breakdown (feel free to consult this list when you have your All Religion Fantasy Football league draft):

QB John Beck: The original baby! He is The Mormon. And he shall lead this glorious band of fantastical six Latter Day Saints!

Long Snapper John Denney: When you're the team's long snapper, you're going to spend a shitload of time on the bench. Why not spend that time reading? Why not the Book of Mormon? Nothing makes time go by between punts like a book featuring Native Americans and Jesus!

OL Shaun Murphy: At 6-3, 330 pounds and with a buzzcut fit for a psych ward patient, Murphy is just the latest in the legion of badasses throughout Mormon history. Badasses like Donnie Osmond, for example.

LB Kelly Poppinga: Will be a special teams stalwart thanks to strong legs powered by 12 hour bike rides through your neighborhood.

Center Samson Satele: As a Samoan, he's part of the smallest racial group in the United States. But the Church of the LDS wants Mormons to have like 12 kids, so it'll all even out.

 WR Davone Bess: As long as Bess remains a Miami Dolphin, when the LDS Church leaders take their annual membership census, they'll know where they can find the black guy.

So there you go! Miami Dolphins, Mormon strong! Mitt Romney and special underwear wearers everywhere approve! And, hey... could be worse.

Draft Thoughts: What About Beck?

I�ve received a few e-mails asking me why I keep bringing up the QB spot in this draft, and we thought you liked John Beck, and we have 4,756 positions to fill besides the QB position, etc. And a few that say that Beck sucks and that Joe Flacco rules.

But I like John Beck. I like him a lot. I am a John Beck fan. I think he has a real future and getting him a massive wall of protection in Jake Long will do wonders for The Mormon. In fact, I was the very first Dolphins blogger to come out and support the pick and tell the masses to chill the fuck out when we drafted him last year after passing on Brady Quinn. Nothing has changed for me since then. And I agree that we have more pressing needs to fill. However, I�m just going with what the reports have been saying and the reports have been saying that Bill Parcells likes Chad Henne and Joe Flacco. I also personally believe that Parcells wants to draft his own quarterback, even if he has warmed up to Beck. My only problems with Beck are his age and his ball delivery. I argued last season, mostly on forums and other blogs' comment boards, that in college he had a lot of balls batted at the line of scrimmage. I got blasted by others for saying so. Fuck those people with a lead pipe. Beck's quick release is phenomenal, but that delivery needs work. Others like Ron Jaworski and Omar Kelly agree. Beck's not the tallest QB in the world, and a couple of inches in his throwing motion would make a world of difference, so hopefully he's been working with Diamond David Lee on that.

However, all that said, I do like Brian Brohm. I�ve always been a fan of his. Last year I was really hoping he�d enter the draft so we could get a shot at him. I think Brohm is going to be a stellar quarterback in this league and I think that Brohm is better than Beck. But I also think he�s the only QB in this class that�s better than Beck. I think Beck is either better than or on par with every QB in this year�s class outside of Brohm, and that includes Matt Ryan, Henne, Flacco and the others. Brohm is the only QB I personally would focus on in this draft. Otherwise, I�m happy with Beck and I am a full supporter of The Mormon, his magical undies and his promise of a fine future as quarterback of the Miami Dolphins. Disagree? You think Beck sucks and we should go after a QB in this draft? Well screw you! Just kidding.* Feel free to let us know your opinion in the comments.

*No, seriously. Screw you.

Draft Thoughts: What About Beck?

I’ve received a few e-mails asking me why I keep bringing up the QB spot in this draft, and we thought you liked John Beck, and we have 4,756 positions to fill besides the QB position, etc. And a few that say that Beck sucks and that Joe Flacco rules.

But I like John Beck. I like him a lot. I am a John Beck fan. I think he has a real future and getting him a massive wall of protection in Jake Long will do wonders for The Mormon. In fact, I was the very first Dolphins blogger to come out and support the pick and tell the masses to chill the fuck out when we drafted him last year after passing on Brady Quinn. Nothing has changed for me since then. And I agree that we have more pressing needs to fill. However, I’m just going with what the reports have been saying and the reports have been saying that Bill Parcells likes Chad Henne and Joe Flacco. I also personally believe that Parcells wants to draft his own quarterback, even if he has warmed up to Beck. My only problems with Beck are his age and his ball delivery. I argued last season, mostly on forums and other blogs' comment boards, that in college he had a lot of balls batted at the line of scrimmage. I got blasted by others for saying so. Fuck those people with a lead pipe. Beck's quick release is phenomenal, but that delivery needs work. Others like Ron Jaworski and Omar Kelly agree. Beck's not the tallest QB in the world, and a couple of inches in his throwing motion would make a world of difference, so hopefully he's been working with Diamond David Lee on that.

However, all that said, I do like Brian Brohm. I’ve always been a fan of his. Last year I was really hoping he’d enter the draft so we could get a shot at him. I think Brohm is going to be a stellar quarterback in this league and I think that Brohm is better than Beck. But I also think he’s the only QB in this class that’s better than Beck. I think Beck is either better than or on par with every QB in this year’s class outside of Brohm, and that includes Matt Ryan, Henne, Flacco and the others. Brohm is the only QB I personally would focus on in this draft. Otherwise, I’m happy with Beck and I am a full supporter of The Mormon, his magical undies and his promise of a fine future as quarterback of the Miami Dolphins. Disagree? You think Beck sucks and we should go after a QB in this draft? Well screw you! Just kidding.* Feel free to let us know your opinion in the comments.

*No, seriously. Screw you.

McShay's Got the Fins Taking Matt Ryan

ESPN and Scout Inc.'s Todd McShay released his latest mock draft yesterday. You can see it here but you'd have to be a complete and utter sap and subscribe to ESPN Insider to do so (I came about this information while watching SportsCenter, lying in bed eating a hardy chicken soup the Dudette cooked up for my sick ass. I had her dress in a nurse's outfit, incidentally).

At one point, McShay had the Dolphins taking Virginia DE Chris Long. Now he has them taking BC quarterback Matt Ryan. This is the second time Ryan and the Fins have been mentioned together this off-season. McShay's reason is thusly: If the Dolphins aren't convinced that John Beck is their quarterback, then they'll take the top quarterback, who happens to be Ryan. If they do think Beck is their man, then they won't.

That's the kind of brain busting, scouting analysis and break-down you get when you fork over your 40 bucks and become an Insider. Subscribe today!

I've got nothing against Ryan. He's a fine quarterback. But I think Beck is a very good QB who can blossom into an excellent QB once he's surrounded with the right talent. It's ludicrous to judge Beck on just the four games he played. It's equally dumb judging him based on the fact that he played alongside our very own card carrying members of the Shitty-Ass Receiving Corps of America, a revolving door of running backs that included a hobbit, a leprechaun and some dude from Africa, and an offensive line that couldn't block a team of blind one-legged midgets suffering from vertigo.

I don't know yet who I think we should take with our first pick (assuming we stay there). But I do know that we can't give up on Beck. Not when he's perfectly suited for the job and not when we have so many other pressing needs on this team.

We don't need Ryan. Beck has all the tools. A strong arm, accuracy, a quick-release, great pocket awareness, football smarts, and the ever important magical undies.

That's right, McShitstain. Magical undies. How's that for scouting analysis?

McShay's Got the Fins Taking Matt Ryan

ESPN and Scout Inc.'s Todd McShay released his latest mock draft yesterday. You can see it here but you'd have to be a complete and utter sap and subscribe to ESPN Insider to do so (I came about this information while watching SportsCenter, lying in bed eating a hardy chicken soup the Dudette cooked up for my sick ass. I had her dress in a nurse's outfit, incidentally).

At one point, McShay had the Dolphins taking Virginia DE Chris Long. Now he has them taking BC quarterback Matt Ryan. This is the second time Ryan and the Fins have been mentioned together this off-season. McShay's reason is thusly: If the Dolphins aren't convinced that John Beck is their quarterback, then they'll take the top quarterback, who happens to be Ryan. If they do think Beck is their man, then they won't.

That's the kind of brain busting, scouting analysis and break-down you get when you fork over your 40 bucks and become an Insider. Subscribe today!

I've got nothing against Ryan. He's a fine quarterback. But I think Beck is a very good QB who can blossom into an excellent QB once he's surrounded with the right talent. It's ludicrous to judge Beck on just the four games he played. It's equally dumb judging him based on the fact that he played alongside our very own card carrying members of the Shitty-Ass Receiving Corps of America, a revolving door of running backs that included a hobbit, a leprechaun and some dude from Africa, and an offensive line that couldn't block a team of blind one-legged midgets suffering from vertigo.

I don't know yet who I think we should take with our first pick (assuming we stay there). But I do know that we can't give up on Beck. Not when he's perfectly suited for the job and not when we have so many other pressing needs on this team.

We don't need Ryan. Beck has all the tools. A strong arm, accuracy, a quick-release, great pocket awareness, football smarts, and the ever important magical undies.

That's right, McShitstain. Magical undies. How's that for scouting analysis?