Hey Nation. This post has nothing to do with the Dolphins. But if you'll indulge me, I'd like to share something with you. (It's 100% true, by the way. And 100% free, so fuck you if you're mad because this isn't a Dolphins post):
Last night my girl and I took our son to the local Borders bookstore where they were hosting some kind of Christmas thing for kids. It was billed as two hours of holiday cheer complete with games, goodies and caroling! She basically had to drag me to this fuck-fest. Aside from all the obvious shit I would have to endure, mainly being around a bunch of assholes and their ugly children, it also featured two things I hate most in life: a crowd of loud kids and overpriced bookstore coffee. But she, knowing my anti-social tendencies, guilted me out by pulling the old "do it for our son" card. Fucking shit gets me every time. So I went. I had to find some kind of incentive for going to this thing and all I could think of was that, as soon as we got there, I was going to plow through whatever it was they were putting out as "goodies." That's what this shit was going to be all about -- that plate of cookies or muffins or brownies.
So we get there and it's a fucking mad house. Kids, much older than our son, running around and yelling for no goddamned reason whatsoever, the store employees trying to stay sane and cursing the fuckers in corporate for coming up with this ingenious scheme to draw customers in during the holidays, and shitty Christmas carols being sung off in a corner somewhere. Worst of all, there's no goodies table in sight. I ask some lady where the goodies are and she points me to the coffee bar. The goodies aren't free? Motherfucker! I look at my girl and she just shrugs. If she didn't have such a nice ass and a killer pair of tits, I'd punch her in the face.
So I spend the rest of the time sulking, thumbing through some books and watching as my son tries to play games with kids two feet taller and 8 years older than him. And, as it goes with all children, these kids are complete douchebags. They show no mercy to a little 3 and a half year old. They kick his ass in Simon Says, they kick his ass in Red Light Green Light. At this point, I'm about ready to shove a copy of Harry Potter and the Gay Wizard's Secret Pants up somebody's ass. Then, mercifully, the final event of the night arrives. They announce a raffle where they are giving away an X-Mas Polar Bear plush toy (a $10.00 value!). At this, the kids go fucking berserk like monkeys in a cage at feeding time. There's only one bear and, therefore, only one winner. My son just stands and watches, unassuming and quiet, just having himself a good time. The Borders chick calls out a number. No one claims it. Some kid shouts out that they should race from one end of the store to the other for the bear. I wanted to tell that kid to go fuck himself. Instead, the Borders chick reads another set of numbers. And, suddenly, my girl lifts her hand and calmly says, "That's us." Some parents applauded, other parents gave a patronizing half-ass cheer, while their kids snickered and huffed and exhaled in disappointment. The Borders chick handed my son his prize. My son gladly accepted.
Me? I raised my arms in the air and pumped my fists like we had just won the Super Bowl. Fuck! And yea! I then lifted my son and his bear over my shoulders and shouted, "Suck on that bitches!" Parents stared back at me in shock, others tried to figure why someone would act this way in front of children. My girl was red-faced but not at all shocked at my outburst. My son smiled and just laughed off this crazy man he calls "Dada." So, in the end, no goodies for me. But I did get to witness my boy kick some other kids' asses for the first time, which was sweet. These holidays are fucking awesome so far!
For those of you who took the time to read this, thanks! For those of you who didn't, fuck you! Be back later with my Dolphins-Bills preview.