Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Where have you gone, Omar Kelly, our Nation turns its lonely eyes to you

 

 

Setting:

An abandoned building on West Flagler Street, Downtown Miami.  Masses huddle anxiously.  Strangely bone-chilling Southern coolness filters through the shards of broken window glass.  A bonfire burns unapologetically in the corner.  The crowd awaits their Poet.  Enya plays quietly in the background.

The Bard has disappeared for far too long.  The grueling chores of our every-day existence have broken him.  He falters, he fails, he falls.  He is our sacrificial lamb - too rare to live; to impassioned to die.  Tears trickle down his face.  He looks up to the Heavens with arms outstretched and pleads for mercy, forgiveness and understanding.  He was unaware that such responsibility - nay, such burden - would be his interminable duty.  His Mein Kampf.  His Scarlett Letter.  His would be a lifelong struggle with no foreseeable coup de grâce.

And he spoke:

LOVE (!!!)

 

TWO

ENTIRE

DURING OFFSEASON

 

With this, The Bard collapsed!  Perhaps a plee for love and peace the world over?  A message to his kin?  God's own words channeled through him as our vessel of truth?  Will we ever know?  Efforts to revive him were unsuccessful. The desire to live smothered by the inability to breathe under the weight of the burden that is his - and his alone.

 

pooo-poo-poo-pooooooooooo

/ famous Enya song used in trailers for 'Tropic Thunder'

 

Omar Kelly Is Excited To Tell Us About Our New Practice Squad Receiver

Maybe it's because Derek Hagan's spot has been filled. Maybe it's because we are so devoid of receivers. Or maybe it was because he was a little rushed in the middle of his daily routine of kicking Armando Salguero's ass. Whatever the case may be, Omar Kelly seems excited to report that the Dolphins have signed a new receiver to the practice squad. Contrary to Omar's excitable, rushed headline, the new receiver's name is not Tood. It's Todd. Todd Lowber. Although now I finally have a name for that kid from Cambodia I was going to adopt.

Lowber, who didn't play college football but is a former college basketball player and won the 2006 NCAA Division III men's high jump championship at Ramapo College, has been a member of the Vikings, Giants and Cowboys.

Lowber is 6-3, 205 pounds and is, apparently, a pretty good athlete. Look! He can dunk! Also, just like Brandon London, Lowber happened to be on the Giants' roster last season, which means he has himself a Super Bowl ring. Lowber was also a member of the Dolphins practice squad before being cut and now has been re-signed after the Cowboys cut him.

Long story short: We're spending way too much time talking about a new practice squad receiver who'll probably be out of a job in two weeks. Just wanted to make fun of our man Omar a little. Also, it's been a slow day.

Omar Kelly Super Secret Cap-Lock, Da Vinci Code-esque Message of the Day

Unlock The Code

The Scene: Books and Books in Coral Gables on a hoppin� Thursday night.  The cool air breezes in as the small mob of intelligentsia streams in with their caf con leches, berets, faux-socialist ideals and pastelitos con queso y guayaba.  They are seated before our reclusive hero.  He has not been seen or heard from in months.  They hang on his every word as he closes his eyes and begins his latest � and perhaps final � sermon. The lights dim, a man wearing dark shades begins to lightly tap on bongos. Our hero speaks...:  

EXTRA PRIDE(!)

NOT

SMOKE AND MIRRORSSSSSSS�.

MAKE

THE

PLAYOFFS

The crowd responds with hushed acceptance and quiet confidence.  He is not, as previously rumored, mired in the confusion and lunacy that comes with a life far removed from society�s toxic greed and avarice.  He is more lucid than ever; more focused than anticipated.  Months upon months spent watching only Dolphins line play (OTA, practice and games, cumulative) and, occasionally, this have rendered him incapable of the vanity and greed that fuels our modern guilt.  No, no. As of right now, it�s okay that we are ugly because we have broken our mirrors.

His voice is stern.  His message is clear.

With that, he returns to the shadows as we patiently await his next appearance.  We WILL be listening.

-DRK

Omar Kelly Super Secret Cap-Lock, Da Vinci Code-esque Message of the Day

Unlock The Code

The Scene: Books and Books in Coral Gables on a hoppin’ Thursday night.  The cool air breezes in as the small mob of intelligentsia streams in with their café con leches, berets, faux-socialist ideals and pastelitos con queso y guayaba.  They are seated before our reclusive hero.  He has not been seen or heard from in months.  They hang on his every word as he closes his eyes and begins his latest – and perhaps final – sermon. The lights dim, a man wearing dark shades begins to lightly tap on bongos. Our hero speaks...:  

EXTRA PRIDE(!)

NOT

SMOKE AND MIRRORSSSSSSS….

MAKE

THE

PLAYOFFS

The crowd responds with hushed acceptance and quiet confidence.  He is not, as previously rumored, mired in the confusion and lunacy that comes with a life far removed from society’s toxic greed and avarice.  He is more lucid than ever; more focused than anticipated.  Months upon months spent watching only Dolphins line play (OTA, practice and games, cumulative) and, occasionally, this have rendered him incapable of the vanity and greed that fuels our modern guilt.  No, no. As of right now, it’s okay that we are ugly because we have broken our mirrors.

His voice is stern.  His message is clear.

With that, he returns to the shadows as we patiently await his next appearance.  We WILL be listening.

-DRK

Ronnie Brown Plans on Scoring More, Needs TD Celebration Ideas

Omar Kelly tells us Ronnie Brown is looking for suggestions for a signature touch down celebration.

Considering Brown plans to score plenty more touchdowns this season, and in coming years, he's asked the Sun-Sentinel to request suggestions for an end zone get-down from Dolphins fans.... but try to stay within the NFL's rules because Brown isn't too flashy a guy, and he certainly doesn't want to cost himself some cash. My plan is to make a page 2 with some of the best suggestions from you (your name will be included) and bring the best of the best to Brown.

So if you have the time to waste, go ahead and leave a comment on Omar's blog with your idea. Or leave a few here. I personally think it would be cool if after every TD, Ronnie would pull down his pants and swing his penis around in a circle while making helicopter noises. He could call it "The Helicockter." That would be awesome. Although he might take out an eye or two, or possibly knock out a few teammates, it would still be totally worth it.

-The DUDE

Ronnie Brown Plans on Scoring More, Needs TD Celebration Ideas

Omar Kelly tells us Ronnie Brown is looking for suggestions for a signature touch down celebration.

Considering Brown plans to score plenty more touchdowns this season, and in coming years, he's asked the Sun-Sentinel to request suggestions for an end zone get-down from Dolphins fans.... but try to stay within the NFL's rules because Brown isn't too flashy a guy, and he certainly doesn't want to cost himself some cash. My plan is to make a page 2 with some of the best suggestions from you (your name will be included) and bring the best of the best to Brown.

So if you have the time to waste, go ahead and leave a comment on Omar's blog with your idea. Or leave a few here. I personally think it would be cool if after every TD, Ronnie would pull down his pants and swing his penis around in a circle while making helicopter noises. He could call it "The Helicockter." That would be awesome. Although he might take out an eye or two, or possibly knock out a few teammates, it would still be totally worth it.

-The DUDE

Omar Kelly is Subtle

In an article with the headline, Dolphins WRs aren't getting confused with Cardinals' star duo, Omar Kelly tells us how Arizona's receiving corps is awesome and how the Dolphins' receivers are also awesome. And by "also awesome," I mean "shit the bed atrocious."

[Kurt] Warner is comfortable putting the ball up in tight situations, knowing there's a good chance his two Pro Bowl wideouts will use their size, strength and good hands to bring it down. Dolphins quarterback Chad Pennington can only dream of being so lucky. He's working with a half-dozen fairly inexperienced, unproven wideouts, each possessing a different set of skills... Coaches were tinkering with the depth chart Wednesday. Derek Hagan, not Ginn, was working with the starting unit... "It's a great luxury as a quarterback to have two great receivers," Warner said. "What I've come to realize with these two is that open is kind of a relative term."

Alright. I get it. The Cardinals have like 1200 world class receivers. We have none. Not at all shocking. Unlike the time I went to a fancy Italian restaurant in New York City and then some guy came out and announced that Pizza Hut delivered the pasta, and then everyone was all like, "Whaaaaaa????!!" and started convulsing and foaming at the mouth and jumped out the windows and smashed chairs over each other's heads and stabbed their dinner companions in the neck with a fork while blood spurted from their corroded arteries all over the restaurant like someone set off the sprinklers and then we all laughed.

-The DUDE

Omar Kelly is Subtle

In an article with the headline, Dolphins WRs aren't getting confused with Cardinals' star duo, Omar Kelly tells us how Arizona's receiving corps is awesome and how the Dolphins' receivers are also awesome. And by "also awesome," I mean "shit the bed atrocious."

[Kurt] Warner is comfortable putting the ball up in tight situations, knowing there's a good chance his two Pro Bowl wideouts will use their size, strength and good hands to bring it down. Dolphins quarterback Chad Pennington can only dream of being so lucky. He's working with a half-dozen fairly inexperienced, unproven wideouts, each possessing a different set of skills... Coaches were tinkering with the depth chart Wednesday. Derek Hagan, not Ginn, was working with the starting unit... "It's a great luxury as a quarterback to have two great receivers," Warner said. "What I've come to realize with these two is that open is kind of a relative term."

Alright. I get it. The Cardinals have like 1200 world class receivers. We have none. Not at all shocking. Unlike the time I went to a fancy Italian restaurant in New York City and then some guy came out and announced that Pizza Hut delivered the pasta, and then everyone was all like, "Whaaaaaa????!!" and started convulsing and foaming at the mouth and jumped out the windows and smashed chairs over each other's heads and stabbed their dinner companions in the neck with a fork while blood spurted from their corroded arteries all over the restaurant like someone set off the sprinklers and then we all laughed.

-The DUDE

More Evidence for why Omar Kelly Kicks Armando's Ass in Pretty Much Everything

First off, there's Omar's offensive projections blog post from today, which is a great read in and of itself.

But then, there's the last line of the post:

The defense is coming, but as you might expect it was a long night in New Orleans last night and I've got a bit of a hangover headache. Shhhhhhh.

Deuces.

Mr. Salguero, please pick up the white courtesy phone. There�s a Mr. Kelly on the line and he has your ass which he�d like to hand you.

-The DUDE

More Evidence for why Omar Kelly Kicks Armando's Ass in Pretty Much Everything

First off, there's Omar's offensive projections blog post from today, which is a great read in and of itself.

But then, there's the last line of the post:

The defense is coming, but as you might expect it was a long night in New Orleans last night and I've got a bit of a hangover headache. Shhhhhhh.

Deuces.

Mr. Salguero, please pick up the white courtesy phone. There’s a Mr. Kelly on the line and he has your ass which he’d like to hand you.

-The DUDE