Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Ricky Williams in December's Playboy

In an attempt to feign relevance in this YouJizz-obsessed world and really make it worthwhile to purchase 'for the articles', Playboy has an in-depth interview with one Ricardo Williams for its December issue.  According to Deadspin:

In the piece, we learn about his many quirks, his relationship with the mother of his two children, the hefty child support payments he makes to the mothers of his other two children, his "social anxiety", and being alienated from everyone on the Saints due to his erratic behavior.

I don't know about The Dude but I, for one, had absolutely zero idea this article was even coming out!  The nerve of the Miami Dolphins brass or Ricky's 'people' to - mistakenly, I'm sure - neglect to inform either of us!  Frankly, I'm a bit taken aback given how The Dude and I keep our ears low to the ground to hear even the slightest rumble of Dolphins-related news.  For instance:  did you know that Vonnie Holliday saved a falling child from the Metrorail the other day???  Well, he did.  Did you know that Greg Camarillo hasn't had to bust his own nut since last year's Baltimore game?  He hasn't. 

Anyway, let's make an effort to get that link once it's up (if they even use HTML over in that archaic Palace of Pussy) and have a lovely time reading hackneyed questions on marijuana use and the ramifications of swinging your million-dollar dick all around South Beach sin condon.

Wildcat Ugly

Two words can aptly describe Sunday's 21-19 win over Seattle: weird fucking game.

This game seemed to embody what the 2008 Miami Dolphins are. Scrappy, crappy, exciting, infuriating, imposing, cringe worthy, and awesome all at the same time. The defense looked like it was going to have a huge game in the first half, only to return for the second-half as if they had themselves a K-Y Jelly wrestling tournament in the locker room during halftime. The offense looked as if it was going to be able to score at will after Chad Pennington threw that 67-yard flea flicker touchdown to Ted Ginn in double-coverage, and after that 51-yard touchdown run by Ricky Williams. Yet in the second quarter, for whatever reason, the offense decided that it was enough already and reverted back to their old stagnant ways. Pennington throws a pick that gets returned for a touchdown, the running game shuts down like my Dad after a heavy meal, and panic attacks set in during every 3rd and long. Yet the Dolphins win on a 9 minute drive that culminates in a Ronnie Brown touchdown and a last-minute defensive stance. Ugly? Yes. Kick-ass? Absolutely.

Sure there were times where the opportunistic Seahawks took advantage of Miami's sloppiness and stormed back in a game they had no business storming back in, which in turn drove me to rub a cheese grater against my genitals. But the Dolphins were able to make up for their sloppiness by taking advantage of Seattle's over-all suckiness.

And then there was that one moment where you thought to yourself, "Holy fucknuts. This game's gonna come down to an Olindo Mare field goal! And there's no infield dirt to stop him!!!" I know you were thinking this, because I was thinking this. You were also thinking, "We won't be able to live this down if we lose." But, thankfully, that turned out not to be the case. While the Fins defense wasn't as dominant as one would've hoped against this injury riddled Seahawks team, it ultimately got the job done. The D-line clamped down when it needed to the most, quite literally delivering a cockpunch to Seattle QB Seneca Wallace, injuring his groin and limiting his mobility. Joey Porter and his popcorn muscles only managed to record 2 tackles and half a sack, but the other guys -- Roth, Crowder, Ferguson, Langford -- showed up big, holding Wallace to just 185 yards passing and Julius Jones to just 88 yards rushing. Displaying their full sacks, if you will.

This game also featured the return of the once-thought-dead Wildcat. And it came back with a vengeance, just like in that movie Pet Semetary where dead pets come back to life except that they're not cute like they used to be, but all fucked up and ghastly and ready to gauge your eyes out and slash your carotid artery because you once dressed them up like a cowboy for Halloween because you thought it would be so adorable. The Wildcat had been completely shut down the past three weeks. But against Seattle, the formation resulted in all three touchdowns and gave Ricky Williams his first 100 yard rushing game since 2006.

So despite Chad Pennington reminding us all that his arm is, in fact, one giant noodle, and despite the fact that our special teams needs a good "talkin' to" by Coach Sparano Al Capone in Untouchables style, and despite the fact that our defense forgot how to stop the run during the second half, we won. It was ugly. Like the girl you take home and bone on a dare. But it's a win. And a win is a win, and we'll take it. And so the Dolphins are now 5-4 -- above .500 for the first time since 2005 -- and a game out of first in the AFC East. Yo quiero tetitas grandes!!!

Also, a special thanks goes out to Koren Robinson and his intractable cement-hands.

A Mile Deep All Up In Yer Ass

Well that was the tits, was it not? All week long, I had the sweats thinking about what Brandon Marshall was going to do to our secondary. And yet, our secondary stepped up and said, "Chills the fuck out, Dude. We gots this. Gangsta!" and had it's finest performance of the season. And it all started with Will Allen's 32-yard INT return for a touchdown. After that, it was all just a formality. Jay Cutler throwing 3 picks, Marshall being completely emasculated, Denver committing penalties left and right. It was magical. Best part of Sunday's win was watching the Broncos go all Bobby Brown-Whitney Houston before our very eyes: Uber-Douche Cutler throwing towels on the field, Marshall walking off to the sidelines like a girl who just got the old cock-in-the-popcorn trick pulled on her at the movies, and Mike Shanahan looking like that guy in Scanners just before his head explodes. Seriously, I've never seen such a collective hissy fit from one team during a game. Sure, we've seen Tom Brady do it. But an entire team? This was new. And it was the awesomeness.

The defense was iron-clad, holding Denver's running backs to a mere 14 yards for the entire game. The secondary just completely man-handled the Denver receivers. And Yeremiah "I'm Yeremiah Bell Muthafucka!" Bell did what he does, leading the way with 6 tackles, but leaving the game sad because, once again, he was unable to dislodge someone's large intestine. Next time, Yeremiah. We know you can do it. Meanwhile, J-Peezey picked up his 11th and a half sack of the season and did that kicky celebration thing that he does. Greg Camarillo set a career high with 11 catches for 111 yards. And what more can we say about Ricky and Ronnie? Ricky showed just how invaluable he truly is with that balls-of-steel-and-mortar catch that set up the nail-in-the-coffin touchdown. And Ronnie finally got 20 carries. The yardage total wasn't all that great, but I'm telling you: Ronnie touches the rock 20+ times, we win. Period.

Shit, even Jason Allen got in on the gangbang with that first INT that sort of set the tone for the rest of the game. And while Chad Pennington had plenty of moments that made me all grab-my-junk-n-shake-it-at-the-television, he was solid enough when it counted. During that last drive, after the Broncos took the momentum with a TD, the Denver crowd going batshit, the stadium shaking, the pressure most definitely on, Pennington showed us all he has a sack that can fit the entire Rocky Mountains. A gargantuan, pasty sack. Pennington led the Fins down the field with those patented "Holy-Fuck-That's-Gonna-Get-Picked-Oh-Shit-What-A-Pass!" passes of his that culminated in the Ronnie TD to seal the deal. And it was game time. And the beer flowed. And the high-fives commenced. And the hookers danced into the night. What a great country we live in! Next up: Seattle. Can you think of a more kickass way to start the week? I can't. Well, aside from maybe getting a full friction lap dance from Megan Fox. But still. This is almost as good.

Other random thoughts I had during the game:

• Ted Ginn Jr. is beginning to realize that, yes, you are indeed allowed to run in football.
  
• Why must our special teams act like my uncle at Thanksgiving and dip its nuts in the cranberry sauce in full view of grandma, resulting in everyone's fun being ruined?
• Every time the TV showed a close up of Mike Shanahan, you could just barely hear that creaky leathery noise that shoes make.
• Vernon Carey's lack of push is beginning to concern me. Take a vitamin or two, Vern.
  
• Sorry Timmy. But I think it's time to euthanize the Wildcat (-6 yards in this game).
• Our offense really needs to get their shit together on 3rd and 10 or more.
• Jesus, how slow are our linebackers? This slow: a random, white, seventh-round draft pick fullback from Conway, Arkansas named Peyton Hillis caught 7 passes for 116 yards and a TD.
• Eddie Royal: Why can't we draft guys like that?
• It's official: Jay Cutler has the most punchable face in the NFL.
• Man do those mini 100 Grand bars look like little pieces of turd. But they're fucking delicious.
• This was the most fired up I've ever seen Tony Sparano during a game. I think Shanahan might have shat his pants. 
• Brandon Fields now leads the team in most likely to get an ass full of huge fuckin' calves before the season is over.
• Don't look now, but the Dolphins suddenly find themselves balls deep in the Wild Card hunt, and just one game back in the AFC East. Tits.
  

The Palm Beach Post is Clever

According to the Palm Beach Post, both Tony Sparano and Eric Mangini like what they see in Ricky Williams. Also according to the Palm Beach Post, they're both Italian!:

" 'He really looks outstanding,� Mangini said. �...He�s a difficult back to get ready for. You add in Ronnie Brown and the problems he creates with the physical front that they have, it�s going to be a challenge.�

[Sparano and Mangini] likely didn�t consult each other about their answers. Though they are both disciples of Bill Parcells, they didn�t meet until this year�s NFL Combine and Owner�s Meetings.

Still, there is already a mutual bond between the two.

�I love that fact that he�s a Connecticut guy, a fellow Italian,� Mangini, a Hartford native, said of Sparano of New Haven. �I think that that�s great.�

Rod Marinelli and Steve Mariucci were not available for a comment on Williams."

Sparano also told the Post, "Whassa matta fo you? You no like-a the Ricky-a Williams? He make you a good runnings, just how you-a like it!" Mangini then added, "That's a spicy meat-a ball!" In which Sparano retorted, "Ah shut up-a you face!"

-The DUDE

The Palm Beach Post is Clever

According to the Palm Beach Post, both Tony Sparano and Eric Mangini like what they see in Ricky Williams. Also according to the Palm Beach Post, they're both Italian!:

" 'He really looks outstanding,” Mangini said. “...He’s a difficult back to get ready for. You add in Ronnie Brown and the problems he creates with the physical front that they have, it’s going to be a challenge.”

[Sparano and Mangini] likely didn’t consult each other about their answers. Though they are both disciples of Bill Parcells, they didn’t meet until this year’s NFL Combine and Owner’s Meetings.

Still, there is already a mutual bond between the two.

“I love that fact that he’s a Connecticut guy, a fellow Italian,” Mangini, a Hartford native, said of Sparano of New Haven. “I think that that’s great.”

Rod Marinelli and Steve Mariucci were not available for a comment on Williams."

Sparano also told the Post, "Whassa matta fo you? You no like-a the Ricky-a Williams? He make you a good runnings, just how you-a like it!" Mangini then added, "That's a spicy meat-a ball!" In which Sparano retorted, "Ah shut up-a you face!"

-The DUDE

Ronnie Brown to be Traded?

Armando Salguero writes in his blog that Black Thunder, aka Ronnie Brown, might be traded by the Dolphins before the regular season starts. Salguero sites ESPN's Chris Mortensen and some off-hand comment he made on the extremely unwatchable Monday Night Countdown last night:

Mortensen was asked about Ricky Williams and [...] he went on to say that the Dolphins are so pleased with Williams he "would not be surprised if Ronnie Brown sinks," to the point where "he is playing with another team this season." Mortensen's reason for Brown being out of here is that the player is "struggling" this preseason.

We all know Parcells isn't crazy about running backs (a hunk of cheese, however, is another story) and Ronnie has looked pretty crappy so far in camp and in pre-season. But unless there's a team dumb enough to give the Fins a first round pick or a high second-rounder, this doesn't make all that much sense.

Also, it's important to remember that our chief sources for this "story" are Armando Salguero and Chris Mortensen, two guys who rely heavily on the enchanting power of imagination and one of those water skiing squirrels for their sources on things like this.

-The DUDE

Ronnie Brown to be Traded?

Armando Salguero writes in his blog that Black Thunder, aka Ronnie Brown, might be traded by the Dolphins before the regular season starts. Salguero sites ESPN's Chris Mortensen and some off-hand comment he made on the extremely unwatchable Monday Night Countdown last night:

Mortensen was asked about Ricky Williams and [...] he went on to say that the Dolphins are so pleased with Williams he "would not be surprised if Ronnie Brown sinks," to the point where "he is playing with another team this season." Mortensen's reason for Brown being out of here is that the player is "struggling" this preseason.

We all know Parcells isn't crazy about running backs (a hunk of cheese, however, is another story) and Ronnie has looked pretty crappy so far in camp and in pre-season. But unless there's a team dumb enough to give the Fins a first round pick or a high second-rounder, this doesn't make all that much sense.

Also, it's important to remember that our chief sources for this "story" are Armando Salguero and Chris Mortensen, two guys who rely heavily on the enchanting power of imagination and one of those water skiing squirrels for their sources on things like this.

-The DUDE

Ricky Williams ..... Is A Miami Dolphin...

Looks like Ricky Williams and Bill Parcells have started things off on the right foot. And Parcells has already told Ricky that he's going to be Ronnie (Black Thunder) Brown's backup.

Williams said he felt he was the kind of hard-working player Parcells likes. But Williams worried his reputation for off-the-field problems had preceded him.

Instead, Williams said Parcells told him he�d share carries this season with Ronnie Brown.

�I was expecting him not to talk to me at all,� Williams told The Statesman. �I was expecting to get a letter in the mail saying I was going to be a free agent.

�I like (Parcells) more than I thought I would.�

This is good because Ricky is a solid football player as well as a fine purveyor of "Fuck Yea!" moments in recent Dolphins history. We were all very excited last season when he came back from his Canadian exile and was all set to make his triumphant return on Monday Night Football against the Pittsburgh Steelers. But in keeping with the Dolphins' 2007 slogan, We Have Shit For Luck And It Shows!, a minute into the game some asshole stepped on his shoulder and ended his season.

So I for one am glad he's back and looking fit and focused. Ricky has had more than his share of "Fuck Yeah!" moments as a Miami Dolphin. Most memorable for me was in September of 2002, when he beat the Jets after busting through bodies like Godzilla through Tokyo and sprinting for a 53-yard TD that clinched the game for the Fins. I remember bolting from my couch right after that TD and yelling, "Fuck you! And fuck you! Get the hell outta my house!" to a couple of douchey-behaving Jets fans my buddy had invited to watch the game with us. They didn't get out only because we were actually in my friend's house. But those douchebags got the message: if this was my house, then they would definitely have to go. I get irrationally overzealous, incoherent and pretty much lose all cohesiveness when I watch Dolphins games. It's a gift.

So is Ricky -- entering the season at 31 years of age and as a backup -- going to give us more memories like this now that he's healthy with a clean slate? Fuck yeah he is! Jets fans better be on their guard because I'm gonna show up and verbally kick them out of other people's houses! They cannot stop me or Ricky with conventional doucheyness. Their doucheyness has no power over us! Their doucheyness only makes us stronger!!! Bring it on, I say!

So, yea, Ricky is looking strong.

Ricky Williams ..... Is A Miami Dolphin...

Looks like Ricky Williams and Bill Parcells have started things off on the right foot. And Parcells has already told Ricky that he's going to be Ronnie (Black Thunder) Brown's backup.

Williams said he felt he was the kind of hard-working player Parcells likes. But Williams worried his reputation for off-the-field problems had preceded him.

Instead, Williams said Parcells told him he’d share carries this season with Ronnie Brown.

“I was expecting him not to talk to me at all,” Williams told The Statesman. “I was expecting to get a letter in the mail saying I was going to be a free agent.

“I like (Parcells) more than I thought I would.”

This is good because Ricky is a solid football player as well as a fine purveyor of "Fuck Yea!" moments in recent Dolphins history. We were all very excited last season when he came back from his Canadian exile and was all set to make his triumphant return on Monday Night Football against the Pittsburgh Steelers. But in keeping with the Dolphins' 2007 slogan, We Have Shit For Luck And It Shows!, a minute into the game some asshole stepped on his shoulder and ended his season.

So I for one am glad he's back and looking fit and focused. Ricky has had more than his share of "Fuck Yeah!" moments as a Miami Dolphin. Most memorable for me was in September of 2002, when he beat the Jets after busting through bodies like Godzilla through Tokyo and sprinting for a 53-yard TD that clinched the game for the Fins. I remember bolting from my couch right after that TD and yelling, "Fuck you! And fuck you! Get the hell outta my house!" to a couple of douchey-behaving Jets fans my buddy had invited to watch the game with us. They didn't get out only because we were actually in my friend's house. But those douchebags got the message: if this was my house, then they would definitely have to go. I get irrationally overzealous, incoherent and pretty much lose all cohesiveness when I watch Dolphins games. It's a gift.

So is Ricky -- entering the season at 31 years of age and as a backup -- going to give us more memories like this now that he's healthy with a clean slate? Fuck yeah he is! Jets fans better be on their guard because I'm gonna show up and verbally kick them out of other people's houses! They cannot stop me or Ricky with conventional doucheyness. Their doucheyness has no power over us! Their doucheyness only makes us stronger!!! Bring it on, I say!

So, yea, Ricky is looking strong.

Dolphins Bringing Back Ricky

Lost in the nuttiness of Cam Cameron and his assistants being told "Get! Out!" yesterday, was this little nugget: Ricky Williams had his option renewed for 2008.

There's no word on what Bill Parcells intends to do with Ricky. His famous intolerance for bad-characters and people who are associated with drugs suggests Ricky won't be a Dolphin next season.

This is what Williams' agent had to say: "After the current administration changes are done, I'm sure we'll have an opportunity to talk to Bill and get a sense of his feelings about Ricky."

So what do you think, Nation? Keep him? Trade him? Cut him?

Meanwhile, Ricky's agent also reports that his rehabilitation on the injury he suffered in November is going well. And why shouldn't it? It's a torn pectoral muscle, so he should be fine. People say football is a brutal, vicious sport. But come on. It's a pulled muscle here, a sprained ankle there. Maybe the occasional knee sprain. It's not like these guys are, I don't know, getting their livers lacerated or anything. I mean, really.

What?

Oh. Goo.