Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Tony Sparano Says Lay Off Vontae, You F--knuts!

Dolphins first overall pick Vontae Davis had himself a crappy-ass debut the other night. He drew three penalties and was almost the goat of a play where the Jaguars scored a touchdown off a screen -- had it not been called back due to holding on their O-line.

But today Tony Sparano came out and, while he admitted Vontae had a shitty game, told everyone to calm the fuck down because those mistakes are easily fuckin correctable, so we should all just fuckin knock it off ...... and go get our fuckin shinebox.

"I'm not defending my player or any of these things," Sparano said. "This is fact. We can go up and watch the film. But I don't for one minute want Vontae's perfomance to be based on those three plays. Those three plays can get you beat in the game - and he needs to know that."

Bottom line, Sparano isn't taking a wait-and-see attitude with Davis.

"It's hard to get those yards back," Sparano said. "We'll see. As I told the team, you make corrections and you go back and take a look. If you start to see the same mistakes the guy made the previous week, then you have a problem."

I imagine it must be really hard to be a rookie in a camp run by Tony Sparano. I know I'd shit my pants if he came up to me just to ask me the time. I'm scared just thinking about it. I mean, seriously. Fuck! Look at me!.... I'm shaking.... wait....

wait...

Ahhhh (very NSFW).

I'm good.

Tits do make everything better. Thank you, Diora Baird's tits!

Chad Pennington, Davone Bess � UP(!) All Night

From yesterday�s Palm Beach Post Dolphins Blog:

One reason why Bess is endearing himself to his coaches: He is enrolled at Chad Pennington University, joining the quarterback at his renowned late-night study sessions.
�I know at one point, (Pennington) and Davone Bess were tied up in a room down here by themselves,� Sparano mentioned Wednesday. �That�s valuable for Bess.�

Sparano went on to add:

�Next thing ya know, I came in at about 3:17am and Chad�s eatin� up Bess� fruity pebbles, if ya get my drift.  I mean, at the end of da day, if ya up all night wit ya quarterback goin� ova plays, kissin� each otha, strokin� it hahd til ya juice comes out and all this otha crazy stuff then I think that�s gotta translate to betta communication on Sundays.  I mean, everyone knows I�m a hate-fucka and I did some disturbing tings to my wife last Sunday night after da loss to da Jets, but to see da guys also buyin� into the program by tying each othah up and usin� ostrich feathahs to get each otha off while goin� over Henning�s playbook � well, dat just brings a teayah to my eye, ya know???  I just hope dey take it easy on �execution�, if ya get my drift.  Dey need a safe word or sometin��

-DRK

Chad Pennington, Davone Bess – UP(!) All Night

From yesterday’s Palm Beach Post Dolphins Blog:

One reason why Bess is endearing himself to his coaches: He is enrolled at Chad Pennington University, joining the quarterback at his renowned late-night study sessions.
“I know at one point, (Pennington) and Davone Bess were tied up in a room down here by themselves,” Sparano mentioned Wednesday. “That’s valuable for Bess.”

Sparano went on to add:

“Next thing ya know, I came in at about 3:17am and Chad’s eatin’ up Bess’ fruity pebbles, if ya get my drift.  I mean, at the end of da day, if ya up all night wit ya quarterback goin’ ova plays, kissin’ each otha, strokin’ it hahd til ya juice comes out and all this otha crazy stuff then I think that’s gotta translate to betta communication on Sundays.  I mean, everyone knows I’m a hate-fucka and I did some disturbing tings to my wife last Sunday night after da loss to da Jets, but to see da guys also buyin’ into the program by tying each othah up and usin’ ostrich feathahs to get each otha off while goin’ over Henning’s playbook – well, dat just brings a teayah to my eye, ya know???  I just hope dey take it easy on ‘execution’, if ya get my drift.  Dey need a safe word or sometin’”

-DRK

The Palm Beach Post is Clever

According to the Palm Beach Post, both Tony Sparano and Eric Mangini like what they see in Ricky Williams. Also according to the Palm Beach Post, they're both Italian!:

" 'He really looks outstanding,� Mangini said. �...He�s a difficult back to get ready for. You add in Ronnie Brown and the problems he creates with the physical front that they have, it�s going to be a challenge.�

[Sparano and Mangini] likely didn�t consult each other about their answers. Though they are both disciples of Bill Parcells, they didn�t meet until this year�s NFL Combine and Owner�s Meetings.

Still, there is already a mutual bond between the two.

�I love that fact that he�s a Connecticut guy, a fellow Italian,� Mangini, a Hartford native, said of Sparano of New Haven. �I think that that�s great.�

Rod Marinelli and Steve Mariucci were not available for a comment on Williams."

Sparano also told the Post, "Whassa matta fo you? You no like-a the Ricky-a Williams? He make you a good runnings, just how you-a like it!" Mangini then added, "That's a spicy meat-a ball!" In which Sparano retorted, "Ah shut up-a you face!"

-The DUDE

The Palm Beach Post is Clever

According to the Palm Beach Post, both Tony Sparano and Eric Mangini like what they see in Ricky Williams. Also according to the Palm Beach Post, they're both Italian!:

" 'He really looks outstanding,” Mangini said. “...He’s a difficult back to get ready for. You add in Ronnie Brown and the problems he creates with the physical front that they have, it’s going to be a challenge.”

[Sparano and Mangini] likely didn’t consult each other about their answers. Though they are both disciples of Bill Parcells, they didn’t meet until this year’s NFL Combine and Owner’s Meetings.

Still, there is already a mutual bond between the two.

“I love that fact that he’s a Connecticut guy, a fellow Italian,” Mangini, a Hartford native, said of Sparano of New Haven. “I think that that’s great.”

Rod Marinelli and Steve Mariucci were not available for a comment on Williams."

Sparano also told the Post, "Whassa matta fo you? You no like-a the Ricky-a Williams? He make you a good runnings, just how you-a like it!" Mangini then added, "That's a spicy meat-a ball!" In which Sparano retorted, "Ah shut up-a you face!"

-The DUDE

Tony Sparano...... Secrets

 

 

....secrets....

My name is Tony Sparano and people like to laugh and say it sounds like Tony Soprano. But what they don't know is that my birth-given name is Tony Dildo.

secrets.....

I'll be honest with you. No one -- and I mean no one -- fucks as hard as I do.

secrets...

The only reason I took this job was because they promised me I would meet Garo Yepremian. So far, that promise has been a load of horseshit.

secrets.....

Everyone says that my main rivals will be Bill Belichick and Eric Mangini. But my real rival? Tube socks.

secrets..

The real joy of this job is meeting the young fans who come to see us practice. Like this one little boy who asked for my autograph the other day. I signed his football and the kid says, "Thanks Mr. Parcells!" I then took the football from him, punted it into the stands and told him that Bill Parcells was dead.

secrets.....

My wife and I went out and both got ourselves tattoos on our backs. Hers reads, "Tony 'N Margie 4-Ever!" Mine is a picture of two rhinos doing it.

secrets.....

(The real Tony Sparano's Secrets, by Omar Kelly)

-The DUDE

Who Sports Calves of Fury, Has an Ornery Disposition and Is Totally Awesome?

This guy!

A video from NFL Network of ole Calves of Fury in action. It's  good stuff. Here are some of my favorite parts:

Chit-chatting with The Robot, who had obviously just been powered up right before practice and was not quite fully loaded just yet:

"Whatta ya think, Henne?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing? Not a good thing for a quarterback."

Also, there are moments where Sparano sounds just like my girlfriend!:

"C'mon! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Tempo! Tempo!" and "Keep your balls off the ground! You've been doin' it since you were six years old!" and "Not every period needs to take freaking 40 seconds to get started!"

Ba-zoinks!!

Bonus Calves of Fury: A great piece by our man Omar Kelly on Sparano from today's Sun-Sentinel.

-The DUDE

Who Sports Calves of Fury, Has an Ornery Disposition and Is Totally Awesome?

This guy!

A video from NFL Network of ole Calves of Fury in action. It's  good stuff. Here are some of my favorite parts:

Chit-chatting with The Robot, who had obviously just been powered up right before practice and was not quite fully loaded just yet:

"Whatta ya think, Henne?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing? Not a good thing for a quarterback."

Also, there are moments where Sparano sounds just like my girlfriend!:

"C'mon! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Tempo! Tempo!" and "Keep your balls off the ground! You've been doin' it since you were six years old!" and "Not every period needs to take freaking 40 seconds to get started!"

Ba-zoinks!!

Bonus Calves of Fury: A great piece by our man Omar Kelly on Sparano from today's Sun-Sentinel.

-The DUDE

Tony Sparano is Subtle

Tony Sparano reportedly told his quarterbacks how things will roll Saturday night against the Bucs but, for some reason, asked them not to share this information with the media.

McCown:

''Coach told us exactly the plan, and all of the QBs are playing on the plan, so we're ready to roll,'' said McCown, who was listed atop the depth chart this week but would not say Thursday if he would start against the Bucs. ``It's nothing I'd care to discuss. If Coach wants to tell you all, he'll tell you.''

Henne:

''He has a plan,'' Henne said. ``He should be able to tell you, but not by me. I can't. That's his word. And we admire what he says.''

Beck:

"Coach Sparano has told us it's a decision he would make come game time, so come game time we'll find out,'' Beck said. ``We'll see. Everything is up to him. He's the one calling what will be going on, so we'll just do what he says.''

So apparently McCown and Henne know the plan but Beck seems to think it's a game-time decision. Other reports say that Sparano has "hinted" that only two quarterbacks would see playing-time against the Bucs Saturday. In other unconfirmed reports, Sparano was seen talking to the three QBs and saying, "One of you guys will have to sit out this game. But I won't say who until ten minutes before kickoff." Then he gestured to Beck by poking his head and darting his eyes at him, then rubbed his nose with a finger that pointed at Beck, then he put a hand over his mouth and cleared his throat, "CoughBeckCough!!"

-The DUDE

Tony Sparano is Subtle

Tony Sparano reportedly told his quarterbacks how things will roll Saturday night against the Bucs but, for some reason, asked them not to share this information with the media.

McCown:

''Coach told us exactly the plan, and all of the QBs are playing on the plan, so we're ready to roll,'' said McCown, who was listed atop the depth chart this week but would not say Thursday if he would start against the Bucs. ``It's nothing I'd care to discuss. If Coach wants to tell you all, he'll tell you.''

Henne:

''He has a plan,'' Henne said. ``He should be able to tell you, but not by me. I can't. That's his word. And we admire what he says.''

Beck:

"Coach Sparano has told us it's a decision he would make come game time, so come game time we'll find out,'' Beck said. ``We'll see. Everything is up to him. He's the one calling what will be going on, so we'll just do what he says.''

So apparently McCown and Henne know the plan but Beck seems to think it's a game-time decision. Other reports say that Sparano has "hinted" that only two quarterbacks would see playing-time against the Bucs Saturday. In other unconfirmed reports, Sparano was seen talking to the three QBs and saying, "One of you guys will have to sit out this game. But I won't say who until ten minutes before kickoff." Then he gestured to Beck by poking his head and darting his eyes at him, then rubbed his nose with a finger that pointed at Beck, then he put a hand over his mouth and cleared his throat, "CoughBeckCough!!"

-The DUDE