FinsNation

Packers Make Exploratory Inquiry About JT, Which is Just a Fancy Way of Saying They Asked if Miami is Still Actually Asking for a First Rounder

Taking time away from my vacay to post this: A report says that the Packers have made an "exploratory inquiry" about trading for Jason Taylor. And basically this is news because some guys on the coaching staff used to work under Wandstedt in Miami and that the Packers are desperate for a DE because they're not sure when they're going to get Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila and his busted up knee back.

Whatever.

So in other words, the Packers went, "Sup. You guys still wanna trade JT? Because we kinda need a defensive end." And the Dolphins went, "Uh. Yea. Sure. Give us your first round pick, or your second round pick for 2009 and he's all yours." And then the next sound that was heard was the Packers hanging up the line. The end.

And now... back to getting poolside and continuing to astound and amaze the Brazilian ladies I met with my charm, sophistication and wit.... they have no idea I'm a blogger. My name is Fernando and I am a lion tamer. More drinks for the beautiful ladies! Fernando demands it!

Bill Parcells Open to Having JT Back

 
Perhaps there's more to Bill Parcells than meets the eye. Perhaps old age has softened him up a bit. Perhaps he realized that all this bickering with Jason Taylor is just a pointless and needless distraction.

Or perhaps Parcells reads FinsNation and was swayed by my eloquent counterpoints on why he was in the wrong, and was moved to take action. Because, deep down, he knew I had made some pretty good points. Like when I called him a fatass cocksucker. I can be very articulate and persuasive. It's a gift, really.

Apparently, Tony Sparano Thinks JT is a True Dolphin

Tony Sparano would like to remind Bill Parcells that, while he is free to play all the macho head-games with Jason Taylor his Man-Tits desire, and enforce his insufferable authority over everyone, especially over the biggest name on the team, so that no one forgets who's really in charge around here, that it will, in fact, be Sparano's ass if the team doesn't win games. Therefore, it might be a good idea to keep as many of the good players that are currently listed on the team's roster, regardless of their choice of off-season extra curricular activities and stuff.

Just a suggestion.

Dwight Freeney Disagrees With Bloggers and Fan Forums

Unlike some Dolphins bloggers and fan forum members, current and former NFL players are siding with JT on this whole fiasco.

Colts Pro Bowl defensive end Dwight Freeney says that Taylor should get a little more respect than he's getting: "He is the face of the franchise. Before him it was Dan Marino. When I think of Miami, I think of Jason Taylor."

Anthony Munoz, former Bengals offensive lineman and current member of the NFL Hall of Fame, said a player with JT's track record shouldn't be criticized for skipping training camps: "At that age you don't need the beating that you take in camp. I know a lot of coaches and GMs won't like me for this, but at that point in your career if you can just get in a get a little bit (of work before the regular season) it's fine. You do need (live action), but I don't think four, five, six weeks is key at this stage."

Who the hell does Anthony Munoz think he is? So he's regarded as one the best left tackles in NFL history. Pft. Bloggers and fan-forum members will be the judges of Jason Taylor and will decide if he is a true Dolphin or not, thank you very much. I think we have the credentials. Sure, Munoz played 13 seasons in the NFL and is forever immortalized with a bust in Canton. But we have computers and Internet access and stuff. Dwight Freeney has 60 career sacks so far and can probably strangle a grown man with one of his arms. Bloggers and forum members love to eat frosting out of a can with our fingers. Plus, our favorite porn sites are bookmarked under the title "DavidCook.com" so our moms don't find out.

Advantage: Bloggers and fan forum members. Clearly.

Special Comment: I still side with JT. Don't like it? Blow me.

At the risk of alienating more readers, and boring the shit out of the rest of you, I give you a special comment by me, The Dude, on this whole Jason Taylor thing. Again. Sorry. Has to be done.

What has Jason Taylor done that has people seething as if they were suddenly, and without warning, anal-raped by a kangaroo with herpes? Why is he the bad guy in so many Dolphins fans' eyes? I don't get it. And, Nation, I never will.

He's done nothing wrong. He missed voluntary OTAs and plans to miss next week's camp for personal reasons. He has done nothing outside what his contract says he should do. Maybe once he starts missing practices unexcused, I'll get upset (probably not, but stick around and see if I do, just in case). As for Sunday's press conference, I saw nothing different from what the Dolphins did a few weeks ago. He said some things that may or may not be entirely true. So did Tony Sparano, if you recall.

Ok... you got me. He may have requested a trade from the shittiest team in the NFL. That rectum! How dare he!!

JT To Announce He Wants To Be Traded, Maybe -- UPDATE

Jason Taylor has scheduled a press conference for today at 11:30 AM. Miami Herald's Armando Salguero says JT -- if he's honest -- is expected to announce that he'd like to be traded. The Sun-Sentinel's Ethan Skolnick agrees and believes that JT will talk candidly about wanting to be traded. Both Salguero and Skolnick see Taylor as someone who, at this stage in his career, doesn't want to start another re-building project and would like to play for a contender.

Says Skolnick:

As I've said for a while here: the most likely scenario was a trade, the second-most likely was retirement, and the least likely was Taylor playing another down for the Dolphins. That should become more clear today.

Yes it shall. Maybe. Hopefully. Coming out and openly talking about this could go either way. After today, it'll be Parcells' move. Unless JT doesn't say anything at this press conference. Then we're pretty much right back to where we were. And that would suck.

Meanwhile, Salguero reports:

If he is forced to retire, Taylor has options. One is a movie offer that begins shooting in October. Taylor will pass on the offer if he's playing for another team. If not, he will seriously consider accepting the offer.

He already has a movie offer to fall back on? I guess I can see that. As I've said before, I enjoyed watching him do his thing.

It took some self-convincing, but I came around and eventually loved watching JT on Dancing With the Stars. Of course, that could've been my penis telling me that I actually loved watching Edyta. So who knows? My penis is always two steps ahead of me.

Uneventful Update (1:16PM) Tim Graham of the Palm Beach Post live blogged the JT press conference (poor bastard). You can read it in its entirety here. But here are some highlights:

JT Fills Holes That Can Otherwise Be Exploited

This just in: NFL team evaluators agree -- the Dolphins will suck even worse without Jason Taylor.

"Without Taylor, 'it's a hodgepodge of guys. You're used to a Bill Parcells team being competitive from the start, and I'm not sure how competitive they will be on defense,' one of the executives said, asserting Taylor's departure would leave Miami without any clearly above-average defensive players. The other personnel chief said Miami would be left `with a below-average defense, with holes you can exploit.' ''

There are a lot of experts out there. But there is one man's opinion I value above all others. Mine.

Jalepeno poppers should be eaten not just as an appetizer but as a main course too.

Captain James T. Kirk can totally kick Aquaman's ass.

Scarlett Johansson's tits are spectacular.

See? I pull no punches.

Jason Taylor, Jason Taylor, Jason Taylor

Jason Taylor is coming home to SoFla to attend his charity golf tournament, which takes place during team voluntary OTA's. So does he intend on getting back to work with the Dolphins? Depends on whose interpretation you choose to believe.

The Sun-Sentinel says JT "doesn't sound as if he's planning a training camp holdout as coach Tony Sparano indicated last week." The Miami Herald disagrees and interprets it as Taylor "doesn't sound like he's in any rush to settle his stalemate with the Dolphins." The Palm Beach Post took the safe route and says that JT is playing "coy about his football plans." Pussies.

Hold on. Before I type another sentence, I have to consult my Magic 8-Ball about something….

Waiting.....waiting..... yup, this story is still annoying.

Parcells Asking for a First-Round Pick for JT?

According to something called the Florida Times-Union, Bill Parcells is reportedly asking for a first-round pick for Jason Taylor.

"Parcells is unhappy that Taylor is skipping the offseason program to, among other things, perform on ABC's Dancing With the Stars. And even though Taylor likely will retire before the Dolphins become a contender, Parcells won't trade him unless he receives a first-round pick. Nobody is going to give up a first-round pick for a 34-year-old defensive lineman. So Parcells' stance is that Taylor will play for the Dolphins or retire."

A first-round pick, you say? Mind you that the column sites no sources and quotes no one in the Dolphins' front office, yet this is printed as fact anyway. My theory is that what this Florida Times-Union article presupposes is that you're a fucking moron. I defy you to come up with a better explanation.

Can all you angry Dolphins fans kindly do me a favor and SHUT YER YAPPER!

Yes, the Jason Taylor situation blows. Blows hard. And not in a good way. And as expected, lots and lots of Dolphins fans are going totally batshit. They're lighting Molotov cocktails, throwing chairs out of windows, starting bar fights, incoherently shouting obscenities at each other in Portuguese, jumping off of roof tops, pissing on electrical fences, shoving their cocks into random mailslots and saying, "I got yer package right 'ere!", riding off on the women and raping the horses. It's madness!!!!

But before we all burn down the city of Miami -- even those of us who don't actually live here -- let's sit back and think through some things.

From the outset, it sounds like JT came out and demanded a trade by threatening to skip mandatory mini-camps. What a dick. But wait. Is that what really happened? All we have is Tony Sparano's weird, fuzzy statement on Taylor:

“This is my reaction with the Jason Taylor situation. I’m going to answer this question one time. I’m not going to answer another question about the Jason Taylor situation after I answer this. Here is what I know. I’m glad we know this. We’ve gotten the information. That’s important. But I know that Jason is not going to be at any OTAs. I know that Jason is not going to be in any minicamps.  And I know that right now Jason is not going to be at training camp. So that’s what we know.  Jason’s a player under contract with the Miami Dolphins. He knows that. Both parties are well aware of the information."

Can anyone decipher what the fuck Sparano said there? Dude talks like a character out of a Cormac McCarthy novel. If JT demanded a trade and threatened to boycott the team, why didn't Sparano just come out and say so? What's with the weird wording? And why not answer further questions? Why is this thing being treated like the godamned Kennedy assassination? All that's missing are guys with fedoras and those old timey cameras with light bulbs that crackle and fall off after each shot. And a gay Kevin Bacon.