FinsNation

Jeff Ireland Is A Genius. Maybe.

Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland held a press conference today to talk about next week's draft. The whole thing was a fairly boring, cliche' filled presser. Then he apparently, perhaps, maybe, let the proverbial cat out of the bag and revealed the Fins' true intentions with the first overall pick.

Asked about the first overall pick, Ireland answered: "I'm going after the player that best fits us. I don't want bad guys on my team. Of course, I want guys with great upside. This is the first pick of the draft. You hope that this guy is going to be a pillar of your defense for a long time.

He kept on blathering but was interrupted when the press corps started laughing. "What did I say?" Ireland asked.

The press told him he said the first pick will be a pillar of the defense.

"That was a Freudian slip," he coyly said.

Someone then asked him if what he did was a smoke screen. "That's for you guys to decide," he answered.

So there you go. Either Jeff Ireland threw out a smoke screen or he royally fucked up and let us all know the Fins' true intentions. Or maybe he's just a fantastic actor. (My guess, as a super sexy bloggy football expert, is that he fucked up)

The main problem here, of course, is that Miami has been very guarded with what their true intentions for the number one overall pick are. They clearly want to trade out of the number one slot, so letting others in on the fact that they're really looking to draft Chris Long or Vernon Gholston is a good way to get teams to back away from a possible trade. There's also the matter of these on-going contract negotiations. If they truly want to convince a guy to sign for less, they have to make it clear that they really like the other players -- on both sides of the ball -- they're talking to.

This can be a big deal. Maybe not. Whatever. It is what it is. Jeff Ireland either just pulled off one of the all time greatest smoke screens with that little "slip of the tongue." Or he's, right now as you're reading this, getting the ever living shit kicked out of him by Bill Parcells.

Anyway, you can watch the presser here. Skolnick has his take on it here. Salguero's take here.

Dolphins Axe Trent Green, Marty Booker and others

 

The Dolphins have cut Trent Green, Marty Booker, LJ Shelton and Keith Traylor, among others today. They also cut Anthony Alabi, Anthony Bryant, Marion Dukes and Joe Toledo.

Toledo -- the guy everyone thought was a Nick Saban draft day steal even though his knees were made of glass, gone. Shelton is also free to go eat as many donuts as his heart desires. And Marty Booker is gone too? Man am I going to miss it when he catches a pass and then immediately falls down even though there isn't a defender within 10 yards of him. And Trent Green? Trent Green! Gone! Free to throw interceptions and die from brain trauma on some other team! Fuck and yes!!

GM Jeff Ireland sent them off with a statement:

"'This is never easy, especially since all of these players worked hard during their tenure here,'' Dolphins general manager Jeff Ireland said in a statement. ``In particular, in the case of each of the veterans, it's especially difficult to release players who have been productive and valued members of the organization. However, we feel these decisions are in the best interest of the team. I want to thank all of them for their contributions to the Dolphins and wish them good luck.''

Nice. I would've said something more along the lines of, "Jesus these fucking guys suck. Damn. How can a bunch of so-called professional football players suck so bad? I haven't seen this much sucking since I saw Lindsey Lohan in a men's room at Mansion. And people wonder how this team managed to only win one fucking game. It was a pleasure showing these no-talent sacks of shit the door. I almost came in my pants when I made it official I was THAT excited. Good riddance you fucking losers! We wish them good luck."

This is why I can never be a General Manager. That and the fact that my horoscope today says I'm going to succeed in the business of homemaking and interior design any day now. Weee!!

Dolphins Are Ready To Hear Offers

Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland has made it official. The Dolphins are ready to hear offers for the overall number one pick. Or not.

Said Ireland: "Rome wasn't built in a day, and this won't be built in a day either. The No. 1 pick is no different from the 22nd pick. You've got to make the right selection. You just can't miss on it. We're going to do everything in our power to make the right choices, whether it be to take the pick or move down. We'll listen to all offers.

"We're open for business."

Did everybody catch that? Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will this shit. Armando Salguero's readers heads just exploded (as did the heads of the members of the Dolphins fan sites' Message Board Morons Brigade).

I'm warming up to the idea of trading away the pick, seeing that there isn't one player that really stands out for me (I still love McFadden but waved bye-bye to him as soon as Parcells waddled his fat ass in the door). But it's going to be tough trying to get a good deal. It really comes down to how much in love teams are with Glenn Dorsey or McFadden.

I'm in love with myself. And some would say that is the most important love of all.

Things Are Looking More Sparano Around Here

(very limited supply of Tony Sparano pics in my computer)

Looks like all signs are pointing to Sparano becoming the next head coach of your Miami Dolphins. Armando Salguero reports on his blog that Jeff Ireland is on his way to (or has already arrived in) Dallas to pick up Sparano and bring him on over.

Meanwhile, PFT had this to say about the coaching interviews conducted by Parcells in the last couple of weeks:

"Parcells has improved the standing of guys like [Mike] Tice and Jim Schwartz and Leslie Frazier, potentially getting each of them raises by giving them interviews for a job that everyone knew was going to Sparano. More importantly, the favors that Parcells has done for these guys will only increase the Tuna's sphere of power and influence around the league.
Frankly, Parcells is no longer the Tuna . . . he's the Godfather."

And that's awesome. Because having Parcells' sphere of power and influence grow is a very good thing for us all. Also because The Godfather is the single greatest movie of all time. Parcells is building his "family" with his guys. He essentially had the old regime wacked (Cam Cameron as Fredo!) and brought in his own "Michael" (Ireland) to run the show.

Meanwhile, Sparano will be Fat Clemeza. Because it's the character he most resembles. Joey Porter is Sonny, because he's always angry and getting into fights. Me? I'm Batman. Because I'm a blogger with a secret identity who lives and works in his mother's basement a batcave. Plus, I have Batman jammies. So I've got that going for me.

Waiting For Sparano

The Tony Sparano saga continues with more denials! Innuendos! Sex!* And murder!* Sparano told a Dallas newspaper that he has not been offered the Miami job. But according to a PFT report yesterday, a league source is saying Sparano may already be putting his Dolphins staff together. This will, of course, all be cleared up as soon as Jessica Simpson inevitably ruins the Cowboys season and they fall short of reaching the Super Bowl. Until then, we’ll have to just speculate.

Give credit to Parcells for doing this thing his way. Sneaky-sneaky man-boobs. He continues to go on with his other scheduled interviews. But the recent hiring of David Lee onto the staff kinda tells us what’s really going on behind the scenes.

I imagine Sparano is calling the shots on his soon-to-be staff. He just can't make it look like he is. He probably wrote a few names on a cocktail napkin during their meeting Saturday. He then probably slipped it across the table towards Parcells. Parcells then said, “Oh, thanks,” and wiped his mouth with it. Sparano stopped him and motioned to the napkin. Parcells looked at it, then nodded in understanding. He then handed the napkin to Jeff Ireland. Ireland then had to try and decipher the names through the thick stain of barbeque sauce and chicken bits. For a second, he thought he saw an image of the Virgin Mary. Turns out, it was only an image of Abe Lincoln. He then read the names on the list. The first name: David Lee.

Tan-tan-taaannn…..
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*not really

Parcells to Give Tony Sparano Pseudo Interview Tomorrow

Looks like Tony Sparano is coming in tomorrow afternoon to meet with Bill Parcells to "interview" for the Dolphins' head coaching vacancy.

Sparano is scheduled to meet with the Falcons today and the Ravens tomorrow morning to discuss their head coaching vacancies. But, really, he's just looking to add bonus miles to his frequent flier card.

Sparano and Bill have to go through the motions of bothering with other interviews. But mark it down. Sparano is going to be the next head coach for your Miami Dolphins. Bill wants it. Tony wants it. And Jeff Ireland just nods at everything Bill says.

So stay tuned....

Cam Cameron Fired

The Cam Cameron era is over. He and his talking penis have been fired.

Bobby Knight and his friendship with Bill Parcells clearly wasn't enough to save Cam's ass from the inevitable. It's 1-15 and done. It's kinda sad, really. Like when a goldfish dies. You knew it was coming. And you sort of couldn't wait for it to happen because who has time to feed a fucking goldfish all the live long day? Who am I, Ernie?

Then you wake up, the goldfish is dead, and you sort of feel sad. Then you flush it down the toilet and move on with your life.

Oh, and it looks like Jeff Ireland is one bad mother fucker of a nerd. Because he axed pretty much the entire coaching staff except for linebackers coach George Edwards and special assistant Steve Hoffman. Two guys I didn't know existed until this very moment. Also gone -- finally! -- Mike Mularkey! That dude had more lives than a cat in a burning building. Coincidentally, he had cat shit for brains.

The firing of Cam Cameron means the Dolphins just got 5% less funny. But 10% more bad-ass. 

And I'll take it. Because if it means we're suddenly, you know, relevant in the NFL again, and if it means we get ourselves a coach and players who'll rip Tom Brady a new asshole again and again for the next 10 years, then hey, I'm all for it.

Jeff Ireland Track Record: Nerdelicious!

This is a football franchise. We are in the business of kicking other football franchise's asses. But business has been bad. And by bad, I mean spectacularly shitty.

Enter Jeff Ireland, the single most important hiring this team has seen -- and will see -- in a long, long time. Because no matter who Parcells gets as head coach, Ireland is going to be the straw that stirs the drink. I don't buy into the myth of the Uber-Head Coach like Vince Lombardi or Bill Belichick (I do, however, buy into the myth of unicorns). I don't believe in sideline geniuses. I believe in talent. Belichick looks like a genius because he has Tom Brady. Tony Dungy still has a job because he has Peyton Manning and Marvin Harrison. Mike Shanahan was at one point lauded as a "genius." He lost John Elway and Terrel Davis to retirement -- poof! -- magically, he's no longer a "genius" (however, magically, his head is shrinking!) How many Super Bowls would Jimmy Johnson have won without Troy Aikman or Emmit Smith? You get my point. Bring in the players, and we'll win. Need more proof? Wade. Fucking. Phillips. Nuff said.

So Ireland is now the new general manager for your Miami Dolphins. We're all counting on the power of his nerdlyness to build us a winner. The good news: his track record is pretty awesome. Working under Parcells as either a scout or head of scouting in Dallas the last few years, Ireland helped draft players like S Roy Williams, C Andre Gurode, CB Terrence Newman, TE Jason Witten, WR Patrick Crayton, NTJay Ratliff, LB DeMarcus Ware, RB Julius Jones and RB Marion Barber, to name a few.

Pretty sick track record if you ask me. Pair that up with Parcells' own talent-evaluation mojo (Tony Romo, John Abraham, etc.) and you've got yourself a kick-ass combo of two football nerds with winners credentials up the ying-yang.

I'm a nerd with excellent winners credentials myself. For starters, I own all of the Lord of the Rings special features DVDs, I have every original issue of X-Men (in mint condition!), and my first ever boner was for the green lady from Star Trek. Call me ladies!

Jeff Ireland Is Our New GM

Armando Salguero is reporting on his blog that the Fins are currently in the process of finalizing the hiring of Jeff Ireland as the new GM. It's not official yet, but it's close. [Update: It's official]

Some have questioned whether or not Parcells is practicing the Rooney Rule in pursuing Ireland -- the rule that states teams must interview minority candidates as well as whites, before making a decision. Huizenga has also been accused of not following the Rooney Rule in the past. But the rule is mainly for head coaching jobs than for front-office personnel jobs, so we'll see how that plays out.

Meanwhile, Ireland had this to say about becoming the new GM here:

"There was a fist pump there. I was excited."

Yup, he's white!