FinsNation

God Has Smote Josh McCown

Looks like the quarterback competition prayer-off between Josh McCown and John Beck has taken an interesting turn. A Texas TV station is reporting that McCown has injured his throwing hand in a wood cutting incident. Actually, he almost lost a finger. Thaaaaat's right.

McCown needed six stitches to the index finger on his right hand a couple of weeks ago when he was injured while he and his brother, Luke, were cutting firewood. Josh McCown told Tyler television station KETK that he was holding the firewood and his brother, a backup quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, made the mistake of cutting his finger instead of the firewood.

I've been saying all along that the QB job was going to come down to who prayed the hardest between these two. Looks like today, the advantage goes to Beck. Mormons are a mysterious bunch, what with their magical underwear and their blockbuster sequel to The Bible. Plus they have Donnie Osmond, so right there one should know not to fuck with a Mormon.

But, to be fair, I think Jesus hasn't been sure which way to go with this. Both Beck and McCown have been pretty devout. But then someone goes and does something somewhat imprudent like holding firewood while someone else tries to chop it.

So it's now clear that Jesus doesn't necessarily side with the pious but, rather, will take sides against the fucktard.

Christ.

South Florida Is the New Utah

Unless you want to read a riveting story on why Josh McCown thinks he'll suck less in Miami than he did in Arizona, Detroit or Oakland, there's not much going on in the news for the Fins. So, with time and space to kill, we present to you a special news brief along with some commentary that is sure to piss some people off and earn us a lot of angry e-mails. But what the hell. Here goes: Your Miami Dolphins are now the all-time league leaders in Mormons! We currently have six Latter Day Saints on our roster. Here's your Miami Dolphin LDS breakdown (feel free to consult this list when you have your All Religion Fantasy Football league draft):

QB John Beck: The original baby! He is The Mormon. And he shall lead this glorious band of fantastical six Latter Day Saints!

Long Snapper John Denney: When you're the team's long snapper, you're going to spend a shitload of time on the bench. Why not spend that time reading? Why not the Book of Mormon? Nothing makes time go by between punts like a book featuring Native Americans and Jesus!

OL Shaun Murphy: At 6-3, 330 pounds and with a buzzcut fit for a psych ward patient, Murphy is just the latest in the legion of badasses throughout Mormon history. Badasses like Donnie Osmond, for example.

LB Kelly Poppinga: Will be a special teams stalwart thanks to strong legs powered by 12 hour bike rides through your neighborhood.

Center Samson Satele: As a Samoan, he's part of the smallest racial group in the United States. But the Church of the LDS wants Mormons to have like 12 kids, so it'll all even out.

 WR Davone Bess: As long as Bess remains a Miami Dolphin, when the LDS Church leaders take their annual membership census, they'll know where they can find the black guy.

So there you go! Miami Dolphins, Mormon strong! Mitt Romney and special underwear wearers everywhere approve! And, hey... could be worse.

Draft Thoughts: What About Beck?

I’ve received a few e-mails asking me why I keep bringing up the QB spot in this draft, and we thought you liked John Beck, and we have 4,756 positions to fill besides the QB position, etc. And a few that say that Beck sucks and that Joe Flacco rules.

But I like John Beck. I like him a lot. I am a John Beck fan. I think he has a real future and getting him a massive wall of protection in Jake Long will do wonders for The Mormon. In fact, I was the very first Dolphins blogger to come out and support the pick and tell the masses to chill the fuck out when we drafted him last year after passing on Brady Quinn. Nothing has changed for me since then. And I agree that we have more pressing needs to fill. However, I’m just going with what the reports have been saying and the reports have been saying that Bill Parcells likes Chad Henne and Joe Flacco. I also personally believe that Parcells wants to draft his own quarterback, even if he has warmed up to Beck. My only problems with Beck are his age and his ball delivery. I argued last season, mostly on forums and other blogs' comment boards, that in college he had a lot of balls batted at the line of scrimmage. I got blasted by others for saying so. Fuck those people with a lead pipe. Beck's quick release is phenomenal, but that delivery needs work. Others like Ron Jaworski and Omar Kelly agree. Beck's not the tallest QB in the world, and a couple of inches in his throwing motion would make a world of difference, so hopefully he's been working with Diamond David Lee on that.

However, all that said, I do like Brian Brohm. I’ve always been a fan of his. Last year I was really hoping he’d enter the draft so we could get a shot at him. I think Brohm is going to be a stellar quarterback in this league and I think that Brohm is better than Beck. But I also think he’s the only QB in this class that’s better than Beck. I think Beck is either better than or on par with every QB in this year’s class outside of Brohm, and that includes Matt Ryan, Henne, Flacco and the others. Brohm is the only QB I personally would focus on in this draft. Otherwise, I’m happy with Beck and I am a full supporter of The Mormon, his magical undies and his promise of a fine future as quarterback of the Miami Dolphins. Disagree? You think Beck sucks and we should go after a QB in this draft? Well screw you! Just kidding.* Feel free to let us know your opinion in the comments.

*No, seriously. Screw you.

McShay's Got the Fins Taking Matt Ryan

ESPN and Scout Inc.'s Todd McShay released his latest mock draft yesterday. You can see it here but you'd have to be a complete and utter sap and subscribe to ESPN Insider to do so (I came about this information while watching SportsCenter, lying in bed eating a hardy chicken soup the Dudette cooked up for my sick ass. I had her dress in a nurse's outfit, incidentally).

At one point, McShay had the Dolphins taking Virginia DE Chris Long. Now he has them taking BC quarterback Matt Ryan. This is the second time Ryan and the Fins have been mentioned together this off-season. McShay's reason is thusly: If the Dolphins aren't convinced that John Beck is their quarterback, then they'll take the top quarterback, who happens to be Ryan. If they do think Beck is their man, then they won't.

That's the kind of brain busting, scouting analysis and break-down you get when you fork over your 40 bucks and become an Insider. Subscribe today!

I've got nothing against Ryan. He's a fine quarterback. But I think Beck is a very good QB who can blossom into an excellent QB once he's surrounded with the right talent. It's ludicrous to judge Beck on just the four games he played. It's equally dumb judging him based on the fact that he played alongside our very own card carrying members of the Shitty-Ass Receiving Corps of America, a revolving door of running backs that included a hobbit, a leprechaun and some dude from Africa, and an offensive line that couldn't block a team of blind one-legged midgets suffering from vertigo.

I don't know yet who I think we should take with our first pick (assuming we stay there). But I do know that we can't give up on Beck. Not when he's perfectly suited for the job and not when we have so many other pressing needs on this team.

We don't need Ryan. Beck has all the tools. A strong arm, accuracy, a quick-release, great pocket awareness, football smarts, and the ever important magical undies.

That's right, McShitstain. Magical undies. How's that for scouting analysis?

Source: Dolphins Intrigued by Matt Ryan

Somewhere in this long ass article in the Boston Herald (once you get passed the part about Randy Moss being a complete asswipe and Tom Brady being a total shitheal, you're golden) a league source says the Dolphins -- possessors of the number one overall pick -- are intrigued by BC quarterback Matt Ryan, "a poised and polished passer with a mind for the game to match his arm."

Forget that. If Bill Parcells is going to work his magic with the quarterback position, he really only needs to do what he's done for two Super Bowl-bound franchises already: Get Drew Bledsoe.

Again.

He got him when he was with the Pats. And he got him when he was with the Cowboys.

Both times led to Bledsoe either sucking royally or having his lungs fall into his lower intestines, which subsequently ushered in the Tom Brady and Tony Romo eras for those respective teams.

That's where the secret lies. It lies with the guy who starts after Bledsoe. It's magical! Talk Drew Bledsoe out of retirement, have him quarterback the first 6 to 8 games with that shitty Pacific Northwest indifference only he knows how to conjure up, then he can re-retire where he can go back to hunting moose and drinking Starbucks to his heart's content. John Beck will take it from there.

Beck will then become the next Brady/Romo. But without all the excess doucehbaggery Brady brings or the surplus of distracting blond coochie Romo brings.

It's a win-win for everybody, really.

Shine On You Crazy Mormon

Cam Cameron is going to get fired. Not so much because he's an idiot. But because he refused the will of God. Cameron defiantly decided against starting John Beck against the Bengals in the final meaningless regular season game and, instead, started Cleo Lemon because he gave us the best chance to win (Ed. note: someone! get me a vomit bag!) So God had to intervene. He smote Lemon with a hip injury (Ed. note: like Jacob!) and opened the heavenly gates of stardom for Beck to come in and do his thing. Lemon goes down, Beck comes in. On the very first play, Beck fumbles the snap, allowing Cincinnati's Chinedum Ndukwe (Ed. note: spell check just took a shit!) to recover the ball and run it back for a 54 yard touchdown. I'm not gonna lie to you. After that play, I was ready to hop on the next plane to Iowa so I could find Mitt Romney and punch him in the nuts.

It seemed, for that brief moment, that perhaps The Mormon was going to go the way of Tim Couch. Another highly touted quarterback prospect who fumbles his way out of the league and then succumbs to the lure of steroids so he could continue to suck but at least be really buff and muscular while sucking. But Beck was able to recover from the devastating start. And the dude was able to lead the Fins to two touchdown drives the likes of which John Joseph Smith himself would be proud of if only he understood what football was. (Ed. note: perhaps if we showed him some clips of the Redskins or Chiefs).

Beck was able to finish the day 13 for 21, for 135 yards, two touchdowns and a 96.3 passer rating. He rushed for his first touchdown and threw his second to Derek Hagan (Ed. note: he caught it!). When Beck had his groove going, he demonstrated a killer quick-release and showed a lot of moxie when the team was in no-huddle mode. Sadly enough, it took an injury to Lemon for us all to see what we originally needed to see prior to this game anyway. Coming into this week, there were doubts about Beck. Let's face it, in his last few starts, he resembled the piss-boy more than he resembled the heir to the Marino throne. Now we at least have been reassured that Beck can play the quarterback position when he gets the help (Ed. note: thanks Lorenzo Booker!) and gets into a rhythm (Ed note.: thanks Ted Ginn!). Thanks to the fact that Cleo Lemon can't scramble worth dick, and was able to get banged up, Beck was able to come in so that we, and particularly Bill Parcells, could see that he is just fine and that if we build around him, The Mormon can be a successful quarterback for the Miami Dolphins. Go get em, John! And for Godsakes, stop fucking fumbling the ball!!! Rub your hands on your magical underwear before every game, would ya!

Update: Thanks to Brandon from Utah (surprisingly enough, NOT a Mormon) for the John/Joseph Smith correction. John Beck, Joseph Smith, Joseph Beck, John Smith...they're the same guy!

Cleo Lemon Won’t Go Away

Evidence suggests that Cam Cameron’s mission in life is to completely and utterly fuck up John Beck’s career beyond all recognition before it even gets started. Instead of starting Beck at home against Buffalo after the bye week, he decided to give him the reigns on the road, in the shittiest of shitty-ass weather, against blitz-crazy defenses. He then decided to dropkick Beck’s confidence square in the man-sack by giving him the fish-hook after just a few plays last week. Now, as the Fins face the weakest of their final three opponents this Sunday, he decides to bench Beck and give Cleo Lemon the start. Lemon will, of course, fuck any chance we have of beating the Ravens in the ear, by fumbling the snap five or six times, tossing a pick six or seven times and throwing one of his shoes instead of the football three or four times. The Dolphins will lose and Cameron will then announce that Beck will get the nod at New England next week when the Pats will be favored by 3,001 points.

Some might agree with this move and say Lemon gives us the best chance to secure a win. To those folks I’d say, between you and me, the time your parents told you they left your dog on a farm where he could live the rest of his life dancing and prancing in the meadows? They lied. They forked over 600 bucks to have him put to sleep. Oh, and you’re probably a homo.

Anyway, seems cryptic and prophetic that a dude named Lemon is going to lead us down the path to 0-16. Cam Cameron makes my brain hurt.

Unleash The Power of The Mormon!

Both the Palm Beach Post and the Miami Herald are calling for Cam Cameron to cut John Beck's cord and let him fucking sling the rock already. I added the fucking for emphasis.

Says Greg Stoda:

"Let [Beck] heave more than one deep toss to Ted Ginn Jr.... Have him throw on first down more often than not. Give him the keys to the two-minute offense, and do it four or five times...Enough with the kid-glove treatment. The Dolphins made the decision a few weeks ago to use the remainder of the season to study Beck, and time's a-wastin'."

Says Armando Salguero:

"In giving [Beck] the keys to the offense, they have declined to put any gas in the tank. While it is true Beck is now Miami's starting passer, he is more accurately the starter handing off to a running back. In other words, the Dolphins have put something of a tight leash on Beck. They have run the football 43 percent of the time this season but in the past two games since Beck became the starter, Miami has raised its runs frequency to 51 percent of the time..."

Yes, it was cold in Philly and it was the guy's first start. And Heinz field in Pittsburgh Monday was like playing in ankle deep sewage. But this week there's no excuse not to let Beck call down the power of God (being that they're good buddies and all) and let him throw all day. We're at home, facing a team we're actually favored against, staring down the last best shot we have at getting a win this year. And more than that, since we've lost Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams, our running back options have been dwindled down to a motley crew of crappyness. And, they're each dealing with very legitimate reasons why they'll be questionable options the rest of the way:

Jesse Chatman: Injured ankle, injured neck. Plus, he's a Hobbit.

Samkon Gado: Hired. Fired. Hired again. Plus, he's Nigerian. Don't they play soccer or some shit?

Patrick Cobbs: Leprechaun.

Squiggy: Just signed to the practice squad.

You've got two major newspapers calling for the same thing, you've got me, a super studly blogger, calling for this as well. Which means Cam Cameron is going to do the exact opposite of what we're all saying. Because Cam Cameron is like Gandhi. He's a man of deep convictions and purpose and does things his way even when they seem ridiculous to everyone else. And while Gandhi inspired millions and moved powerful governments to make changes, Cam calls play-actions on 3rd and long or has his QB pitch the ball backwards seven yards when the team is a half yard away from the endzone. And instead of teaching change through peaceful means, Cam calls off his kicker and decides to throw it on 4th and 11. And instead of impacting generations of people with his intellect, wisdom and innovative thinking, he calls for a running play when everyone in the stadium knows they're going to run the ball. So, in other words, nothing like Gandhi.

John Beck is Committed

Know when a guy is a real badass? When he decides he’s going to study the playbook every chance he gets, every waking minute of the day and night. While eating his Count Chocula cereal. While walking the dog. While taking a shit. While mowing the lawn. While playing with the kids. While looking for a good tomato in the produce aisle. While banging the wife.

Yup. John Beck has been having his wife quiz him on the playbook in bed.

That’s just baddassery. Baddassery at it’s finest.

John Beck. He is The Mormon. He is a man who wrestles alligators and cobras for fun. He is a man who can call down fire upon our enemies. He is a man who can learn the intricacies of a Pro Right X-Zoom triple 9 H-Fly pattern while simultaneously pleasing a woman.

And he is a man who just might be our savior.

But alas, our fortunes continue to lie with Cleo Lemon. All he knows how to do simultaneously is throw interceptions and lose a winnable game.

What the fuck is Cam Cameron waiting for?

Time to call up The Mormon (part 2)

Okay. One more time.

Start John Beck.

Now.

Come read my all new, all fresh, hot off the presses column at The Phish Tank, won't you?

And, again, as per MVN rules: no dick jokes or calling anybody a douchebag.

Except maybe Tom Brady... because, I mean, c'mon! Tom Brady! Please!

Start The John Beck Era, part II: Evaluation & Hope

(Sounds like a straight-to-DVD movie doesn't it?)