FinsNation

File Under: Not Surprising

 
From today's Peter King Monday Morning Quarterback:

I think I don't want to hear what great fans the Jets have. Not for a long time. That crowd Saturday night was a disgrace. At least half the stadium was empty for Favre's debut in a Jets' uniform. I expressed my amazement to a few fellow scribes Saturday night -- emphasizing that N.Y. traded for an all-time-great quarterback, not a broken-down one -- and they gave varying reasons for the poor turnout. Like it's the middle of vacation month for New Yorkers, and it's a preseason game. Horsefeathers. If you really love your team, and you have season tickets, you should have been at that game unless you were in Tibet. Ridiculous.

Come on, PK.  Has your Washington Monument sized boner for Brett Favre blinded you to the obvious, or is this really not something that is apparent to you?  Because it fucking should be, you Starbucks slurping, corpulent assdigger. Why would they be at the game when there are so many old ladies to punch, circle-jerk parties to attend,  and crystal meth to freebase at the local crackhouse???  A stadium full of security guards and policemen would be the last place these degenerate shitbags would want to be on a Saturday night.  There are way too many despondently depraved acts that can be committed during that 3 hour stretch.

Get with it, paunchy.  Living in Dirty Jerszzzz, you should know better.

-DRK

Toast McGee is Gone. Long Live Toast McGee!

Sad news to report, Nation. The Dolphins have released safety Cameron Worrell. That's right. Worrell -- aka Toast McGee, aka Randy Moss' Personal Flameboy! -- is no longer a Dolphin. Miami also waived seven other players, including quarterback Casey Bramlet, linebacker Marcello Church, safety Tuff Harris, cornerback Jereme Perry, linebacker Mark Washington and receivers Kerry Reed and Chandler Williams. All people I never knew existed until this very moment. It appears Parcells is making room for this weekend's Draftpocalypse Now!

So, we pay one more visit to the Toast McGee tribute page. Try to keep it together.

Link Dump

Because nothing makes the day go by faster than a good dump:

• Barry Jackson has some good stuff on NFL prospects the Fins are looking at beyond the first round

• JT has made the FInal 8 on Dancing With the Stars. Oh it's on now, Krisi Yamaguchi!

• The vastly underrated Omar Kelly talks Ted Ginn and asks is he's a true No. 1 WR

• Armando Salguero says the Fins are going to go heavy on linebackers. Even more so than they already have.

• Hey look, Steeley McBeam got arrested for DUI!

• NFL Network dudes discuss Miami's first pick. Mike Mayock says it'll be Jake Long.

• ESPN's Todd McShay also has Miami taking Jake Long.

The Dolphins Done Some Good

For the past decade or so, our Dolphins have managed to excel at the art of sucking ass. And not hot ass either. I'm talking rain forest baboon ass.

So, as a result, most posts on this here blog mainly contain Dolphins news along with a few dick jokes. It numbs the pain.

But I'd be remiss if I didn't mention this:

"Dolphins tackle Vernon Carey, ex-Dolphins fullback Rob Konrad... were the big-name winning bidders in the annual Make-A-Wish Ultimate Sports Auction on Tuesday night at the Broward County Convention Center... [the event] drew several prominent athletes, including Dolphins quarterback John Beck...The event raised $240,000 to grant wishes to children with life-threatening medical conditions. About 600 people attended the event, which was emceed by NBC and HBO sportscaster Bob Costas."

All the money raised at the event went to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which is very kick ass.

So it's a slow day for the Fins, news-wise. But Carey and Beck did their part to help kids with life-threatening medical conditions. And that, my friends, is a whole other level of baddasery.

Meanwhile, I held my own private auction. The winner? The lady in this video. The prize? My heart.

(Thanks to reader Nate for the video. And for having time in his day to find such videos and then for some reason sending them to me.)

Jason Taylor What? Excuse Me While I Blow My Brains Out.

 

Apparently, Jason Taylor is on some sort of quest to out-gayify Brady Quinn. Because he just officially announced he’s going to be on Dancing With the Stars. In a related story, I'm officially announcing that my soul has been crushed.

"Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor will be the first active NFL player to compete on the popular ABC program. Two NFL legends have competed in previous seasons: Emmitt Smith won after Jerry Rice finished third. The announcement was made Monday, during ABC's "Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann."

Also competing: actress Marlee Matlin, magician Penn Jillette, figure skater Kristi Yamaguchi, tennis player Monica Seles, R&B singer Mario, comedian Adam Carolla and actor Steve Guttenberg."

My immediate reaction to this news was, “Steve Guttenberg is still alive?” My second reaction to this news was, “What the hell, Jason Taylor?"

Christ. Just when I thought being the most embarrassing franchise in the NFL was relegated to 1-15 and the constant "Why'd you guys trade away Wes Welker?" questions, we manage to suck a little more out of the Shame Pipe with this shit. You realize our days of calling Tom Brady fruity are over, right?

Dancing has got to be the stupidest fucking thing ever invented. I mean, really. What is it? Gyrating your body, flailing your arms, kicking your feet and making stupid faces while shitty music blasts on the radio? Yea, that sounds like a hoot. Add all the sweaty people and the collective ass & pit smells and you can’t pay me to get off the dance floor! Woo! And what’s even more fun than dancing? Watching other people dancing!

God this sucks. I suppose I’m just going to have to deal with it. That’s all. It’s not so bad. I mean, it’s just dancing. It’s not like he’s doing gay porn or anything. And I guess you can say that I have great dance moves myself. Sure, some might say that I look like I’m being chased by a bee. But I call it getting jiggy with it. So it’s all good.

Anyway, my week is totally ruined. And there is no God.

The Homeless Genius Could Be The Jobless Genius

Lost in the endless reverie that was the Patriots Choke Job last night, was this tidbit by the folks at PFT.

"ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio reports that, if it turns out that former Patriots employee Matt Walsh has in possession video of the Rams’ final walk-through practice from Super Bowl XXXVI, New England head coach Bill Belichick will be suspended. For a year."

Sweet Mother of Mercy would that be the shit.

Speaking of, for all the verbal cock-sucking given to Belichick by the likes of the Boomer Esiasons, Sean Salisburys and Jim Nantz's of the world, and all the bullshit "Greatest Head Coach of All Time" talk that the jackals at ESPN have been spewing all over us all this time, there's this: Belichick's decision to go for it on 4th and 13 instead of kicking a field goal from New York's 31 yard line. A field goal that would've meant a shot at perfection in OT.

Greatest Dickhead of All Time, maybe. But Greatest Head Coach? Nah.

Also, classy move there at the end (but should we expect anything less?)

God, what a fucking fantastic day this has been!

"Squeeze my Lemon til the juice runs down my leg!"

Before we get back to the Greg Camarillo Pants Party (yea, we’re gonna milk this shit for all it’s worth), I need to pass along some news items. Because as a blogger, I am bound by law to do this every now and then. Otherwise, it’s a trial by a Tribunal of Bloggers with the possibility of facing a punishment of having to watch an endless loop of a Dane Cook performance for 52 straight hours Clockwork Orange style. So, here we go....

*I failed to mention this but we had a huge response from you people when Ted Ginn Jr. was up for the Diet Pepsi Rookie of the week back in November. I told you to vote. You did. Within the hour, he shot up the ranks and took that bitch. True story. Sorry I forgot to give you guys props and a shout out and all the other hipster things you say to someone when they have achieved some moderate success. I know. Fuck me. My bad. So, let’s do it again! Cleo Lemon is up for FedEx player of the week. He’s up against some stiff competition. And most of you like this guy about as much as rectal exam sans lubricants, so I’m doubting we’ll get the same response as we did with Teddy. But c’mon. I know he’s a shitty career backup quarterback who directs his passes like he’s throwing a baby. But still, he did lead us out of the void. So vote for him. Also, Cam is up for Motorola Coach of the Week. But I'm voting for Brian Billick.

*Despite all his denials, the Wayne Huizenga selling the Dolphins rumors refuse to die. Some say he wants out of the misery, others say it’s about the taxes, still others have said he values what the community thinks of him and doesn’t want to be known as the guy who killed the Dolphins. My thoughts on Huizenga: He’s a good owner. He just has had some really shitty luck while running this team. In a nutshell, he’s pretty much given us everything we’ve asked for within his power. He’s pretty much Robert Kraft but without the shitload of luck that has been dumped on that assbag's pasty white lap over the last few years. Jesus I fucking hate that fat fuck. So, let me know your thoughts. Should Wayne sell? Do you like Wayne? No? Why you no like Wayne?

*It looks like we may have lost Channing Crowder for the year.

And that’s enough of the seriousness around here. Let’s get back to the dick jokes and calling people douchebags….

So ... Cash Warren. What a douchebag!

Random Crap

Some random crap for you this morning. Number one, from this moment on, Cam Cameron will be known as Turd Ferguson.

Also...

According to Pro Football Weekly, it seems Jason Taylor wants to get the fuck out of Dodge.

"We hear that the 11-year veteran, who has spent his entire career as a Dolphin, is bothered more than most players by the winless season and wants to go to a team that he deems a contender."

Used to be a time when a report like this was borderline kooky-talk. Now it seems realer by the day. Jason Taylor finishing his career in another uniform? As my Haitian friend Titus would say, "Dat's een-san-ah-tee!" But it could happen. Especially if Turd Ferguson sticks around. And that’s fine by me. Dude deserves a shot at a title. And he sure as shit ain't gonna find that shot here. My only concern is what would we get for him in return? A draft pick? Fine. But it seems to me that Randy Mueller was once a pretty decent GM. But he came here and suddenly he can’t tell a good football player from an inflamed hemorrhoid. So I'm not sure this would work to our benefit. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Elsewhere, Armando Salguero says we suck because Lemon and Beck suck. And that the Dolphins need to address the QB situation again -- multiple times if need be -- in the upcoming draft.

"The bottom line is this folks: Blame the receivers, blame the offensive line, blame the ravage of injuries to the running back corps if you wish. Miami's biggest problem, on offense, defense and special teams continues to be the quarterback position."

You know, we could have avoided all this had the Dolphins just read my shit to begin with. Last year I told Saban to get Brees, not Culpepper. This year I told Turd to stay away from Trent Green. I also told Turd to start John Beck sooner than he did so Beck could gain NFL-experience and we could properly evaluate him.

Fuck. Reading these two articles has completely ruined my day!

Also, my penis's day is completely ruined too. But for an entirely different reason.

Cleo Lemon Won’t Go Away

Evidence suggests that Cam Cameron’s mission in life is to completely and utterly fuck up John Beck’s career beyond all recognition before it even gets started. Instead of starting Beck at home against Buffalo after the bye week, he decided to give him the reigns on the road, in the shittiest of shitty-ass weather, against blitz-crazy defenses. He then decided to dropkick Beck’s confidence square in the man-sack by giving him the fish-hook after just a few plays last week. Now, as the Fins face the weakest of their final three opponents this Sunday, he decides to bench Beck and give Cleo Lemon the start. Lemon will, of course, fuck any chance we have of beating the Ravens in the ear, by fumbling the snap five or six times, tossing a pick six or seven times and throwing one of his shoes instead of the football three or four times. The Dolphins will lose and Cameron will then announce that Beck will get the nod at New England next week when the Pats will be favored by 3,001 points.

Some might agree with this move and say Lemon gives us the best chance to secure a win. To those folks I’d say, between you and me, the time your parents told you they left your dog on a farm where he could live the rest of his life dancing and prancing in the meadows? They lied. They forked over 600 bucks to have him put to sleep. Oh, and you’re probably a homo.

Anyway, seems cryptic and prophetic that a dude named Lemon is going to lead us down the path to 0-16. Cam Cameron makes my brain hurt.

Everything Is Meaningless

    

Everybody wants Cam Cameron fired. But who do we replace him with? Bill Cowher? Bill Parcells? SI’s Peter King warns us of the Siren Song of the Big Name Coach, which we as a franchise have fallen for time and time again. I didn’t think Peter King was capable of anything other than verbally sucking off Brett Favre at every chance he got and eating an entire Christmas ham in one sitting. But the tubby bastard has a point that I happen to agree with here. The football-savvy just oozes out of him like warm gravy. Or is that actual warm gravy?

Meanwhile, the Cleo Lemon or John Beck? debates have begun. Which, at this point, has become like choosing between the chick with the goiter or the chick with the mustache. 

Look, given the state of shit around here, I don’t want to debate coaches and QBs right now. I just want a fucking win. And I want these douchegobblers to get their heads out of their asses and deliver one to me, STAT. We’re 0-13! We have three more games to try and avoid becoming the stars of ESPN Classic's The Biggest Fuckups In NFL History with your host, Steve Sabol.

The proverbial monkey on our collective back has evolved from being just a regular monkey -- taunting us and throwing shit at anyone within three feet of us -- into Dr. Zaius -- scoffing at our notion of science and warning us not to go into the Forbidden Zone.

So yea, everything else is pretty meaningless right now. Just. Win.