FinsNation

The Fins QB Competition Will Be Fierce

Sports Illustrated's Don Banks lists 12 depth-chart competitions to keep an eye on this summer. The Dolphins make the list at No. 4 with the quarterback battle between John Beck, Josh McCown and Chad Henne:

Miami quarterback, Chad Henne vs. John Beck and Josh McCown -- Henne has always been a fast learner and most observers believe he'll be the Dolphins' guy before Halloween rolls around. Miami's second-round pick started his first game as a true freshman at Michigan and won't find the NFL stage too big for him. That said, the veteran McCown, playing for his fourth team, probably will run the offense better than anyone in the preseason and earn the opening day starting job. As for Beck, Miami's second-round pick in 2007, Bill Parcells is said to have early respect for him and his work ethic, meaning he'll be given a legitimate chance to compete for the No. 1 position.

This will be the most heated competition for the QB job Miami has seen in a long time. And that is a very good thing. Should be a fun training camp this summer. In related news, I’ll also be having a competition this summer. The competition will be a spirited debate on “Why Superman would totally kick the Hulk’s ass in a fight.” I will be debating myself. The winner will be declared by me. Call me, ladies. I'm a winner!

Jake Long Will Make An Impact

Sports Illustrated's Bucky Brooks lists ten rookies poised to make an impact this season. On the list is our very own number one-overall pick, Jake Long:

Jake Long, OT, Miami: Bill Parcells handpicked Long to be the cornerstone of the Dolphins offense, and his ability to pave the way for Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown will help Tony Sparano establish a smash-mouth identity for the team. No one expected the Dolphins to start the Parcells' era with an offensive player, but Long will anchor an offensive line that will attempt to maul defenses at the point of attack.

Fuck yea! I love that last line: "Long will anchor an offensive line that will attempt to maul defenses at the point of attack." It's like our O-line is now made up of lions and grizzly bears. As opposed to last season, when it was made up of a billy goat, some chickens and a one-legged rooster.

Here's Hoping We Suck In 2008 Too! Weeee!!

ESPN & Scouts Inc's Todd McShay posted his first 2009 NFL mock draft yesterday, which is both awesome and not very good. Not only is it as ridiculous as me saying I know exactly what you're going to eat for breakfast on October 25th, 2024* But it also has a strange indefinable lure to it. It's kinda seductive, that link. Should I take a look? No, it's stupid! The draft just ended and it's silly. But, really, what's the harm? Oh okay. No, don't do it! But I want to know what he thinks the Dolphins will do! Oh... Oh.... Fine. Look. But don't tell anybody.... Anyway, he has the Dolphins picking 4th. And at 4, he has them taking DT Al Woods out of LSU.

But fuck that noise. I don't want Woods. I want LB Rey Maualuga from USC (McShay has him going 9th to the Rams). If we suck bad enough this year -- and I really think it's doable ::fingers crossed, makes girly "Eeeee! sound:: -- then this is the guy. This is the next great middle linebacker. Mark my words. Maualuga is a supreme badass and those who dare step onto the field and play football against him are either ignorant of his terrible powers or are resigned to live their lives without their intestines. The man is an absolute beast. He's everything Vernon Gholston wished he could be. And he's everything Bill Parcells dreams about at night. I'm beginning to suspect now why we signed Josh McCown. Start his ass and let's do this! 3-13 all the way baby! Wooohoo!!!!

By the way, McShay has the Patriots picking 32. So, according to Todd McShay, the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl next year. Stupid Todd McShay.

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*A BK Croissanwich with Sausage, Egg & Cheese, 5 piece French Toast Sticks, Hash Brown Rounds - small, and a large coffee. Jesus. Slow down, lard ass!

Jalen Parmele = Marion Barber

According to a rumor I just made up, top NFL personnel people are calling Jalen Parmele the next Marion Barber.

Jeff Ireland concurs.

The Dolphins Added a Bunch of Guys

The Dolphins have added eight college free agents. A quarter of them won't make the final roster but that's not gonna stop us from getting all excited about it anyway.

They signed Hawaii WR Davone Bess. I already compared my excitement over his signing with my excitement for a woman's ass (and linking to the world's greatest movie scene).

They also signed Georgia Southern QB Jayson Foster, who everyone seems to be excited about because he can play both quarterback and wide receiver! Yay! He's like Slash! Remember Slash!? Kordell Stewart! I remember Kordell Stewart! And that's why I'm not as excited as everyone else about this signing! But welcome aboard anyway, Jason!

Also signed: Portland State tackle Daren Heerspink, Delaware tackle Mike Byrne, Boise State tackle Dan Gore, Montana kicker Dan Carpenter, Maine tight end Matt Mulligan and BYU linebacker Mike Poppinga.

So there you go. Eight new Dolphins for our approval. But who gives a shit what you and I think. The real question is, does Mr. T approve?

Case closed.

Your Obligatory Dolphins Draft Grade

It seems that the Dolphins scored a pretty nice draft grade across the board from various experts yesterday. For example, the Star-Telegram called the Chiefs and the Dolphins the biggest winners of the draft and awarded them each the highest grades of all the NFL teams. And CBS.Sportsline gave the Fins an A.

Then there's Mel Kiper Jr. He too is a draft expert. Mainly because he says so. So we'd best listen up. Don't mess with Mel Kiper. He'll beat your ass if you get sassy with him. That Todd McShay is just begging to get the shit knocked out of him. Kiper gave the Fins a B. Then remembered that we drafted Chad Henne and downgraded it to a B-. Fuck him. Kiper criticized Henne's accuracy and immobility. And then said he liked Henne's toughness and intangibles. But gave the Fins a B- anyway.

Me? I rather like our draft class. It's not sexy like, say, a poolside margarita in a beachside resort. It's more workman, like a cup of coffee. Which can be sexy. After all, I do like my coffee like I like my women -- black. Or white. Plus two sugars is good too. The draft filled needs and plugged holes. Jake Long is a mountain of a man. And like my Boy Scouts scoutmaster always used to say, a mountain-man is just what you need to plug in holes. As for Henne, here's my take on him. I think he'll be a decent quarterback. I still like John Beck slightly better. But I guess we'll see how it all plays out.

As for which of our rookies have the best chance to start this season, I'll say it's a bit of a toss up. Right now vets Jason Ferguson and Randy Starks look to occupy the defensive line. You've also got Paul Soliai in the mix. Freshly drafted Kendall Langford has a good a shot as any among the rookies to get a starting nod. As does Phillip Merling, if he's cleared to play. On the O-line, you'll have Big Jake at left tackle, Vernon Carey at right and Justin Smiley and Samson Satele in the middle. Then it'll come down to rookies Shaun Murphy, Donald Thomas and Lionel Dotson battling against Ikechuku Ndukwe and Trey Darilek for the final guard spot. That's a Star Wars character and a guy whose name sounds like "derelict." On those two principles alone, my bet is on one of the rookies. Shaun Murphy most likely.

As for our new running backs, I like Jalen Parmele. He seems to have a Marion Barber vibe to him. Only because Bill Parcells drafted him. Meanwhile Lex Hilliard looks to be a fullback but will likely start as a seam-buster on special teams. Either way, it's going to be fun following the adventures of our crime fighting fullbacks Boomer & Lex!

So, all in a all, it's a draft that fills needs and, best of all, it's a draft that doesn't have me wanting to strangle the guys in charge. And that's always a good thing in my book.

Final Grade: B

Take that minus and shove it up your well-coiffed ass, Mel Kiper Jr!

Phillip Merling is a steal, thinks It's 2006

During Phillip Merling's conference call with the Miami media, he said that he's "going to a good team that's competitive." He also said of Bill Parcells: "I like that type of coach."

So either Phillip Merling thinks he's going to the Dallas Cowboys, and that this is 2006, or he just hasn't been paying attention.

All dickishness aside, a few words about our new defensive end: Phillip Merling may end up being the steal of the 2008 NFL Draft. Coming into the draft, he was called a mid-to-late first round pick. Some had him going to the Redskins, Buccaneers or 49ers in the first round. Merling's draft stock fell when he suffered a sports hernia injury, which in turn led to a craptastic combine. But he more than made up for it during his solid pro day workout on April 24th. Wait? Sports hernia? His testicles hurt? Maybe he did watch the 2007 Dolphins after all.

Even at 6-4, 275 lbs (and counting) Merling has great speed. He plays with an unrelenting motor and is powerful enough to shed multiple blockers. He's described as relentless and is very polished and well-coached. His technique is solid and he is extremely versatile. Merling's bulk, strength, long arms and overall quickness makes him a perfect fit for Miami's 3-4 defense. He can play both defensive end and outside linebacker. Merling was teammates at Clemson with DE Gaines Adams, the 4th overall pick of the 2007 Draft. While Merling is not as explosive as Adams, he is more versatile.

It's pretty clear the Dolphins had Merling in mind at 32 the whole time. It's very likely that once Florida's Derrick Harvey went to the Jaguars at 8th overall, Merling was next on Parcells' draft board. So thanks to a sports hernia and to teams who don't suck as much as we do, so they can't afford to take a guy who may not be ready by the start of the season, we were able to nab Merling with the 32nd pick. Merling may not be the next Jason Taylor in terms of being a game-changing player. But he doesn't need to be. He's a guy that will win Fins fans over with his relentless, never say die, don't stop beating the Bejesus out of the opposing running back until he hears the whistle, type of player. Versatile, powerful, all heart.

“I’m a physical player and the best thing about me is that I’m not limited to one thing,” said Merling. “I don’t think I’m an extreme pass rusher or an extreme run stopper. I think I’m balanced and I can do both.”

Phillip Merling is going to show us all what a steal he was. That is, once his abs, groin and balls stop hurting. But then it is so on.

Cobra Commander Approves the Dolphins Draft

I really like what the Dolphins did this year! Last year when they drafted Ted Ginn Jr. with the 9th overall pick, I did a spit take with my Miller Highlife. It was a little embarrassing, actually. But no one noticed. As you can see, I often wear a helmet with a faceguard. Plus I passed it off as sneezing so no one suspected anything. I quietly excused myself from the room and changed into my cowl while Destro and Zartan went to take a "look" at my new pool. Or so they say. Those assholes know fully well they were sneaking more peaks at the Baroness sunbathing. Meh, who can blame them? That bitch is high maintenance but damn, her tits are spectacular! Anyway, after changing into my cowl, I went outside and took my frustrations out by kicking a stray puppy. What? I'm Cobra Commander. I'm a megalomaniacal mad mad who displays a pathological tendency for violence and destruction whenever I am unhappy or dissatisfied in any way. Besides, I mean c'mon man, Ted fucking Ginn?  Are you shitting me? Anyway... I like what Bill Parcells and Jeff Ireland have done with this draft. Bill's building this team from the trenches. Our defense is suddenly younger and bigger. And what can I say about Jake Long? Dude's a mountain. A real cornerstone left tackle! We're going to pound the rock down people's throats. Anyway, yea, good draft all around. Cobraaaa!!!!!!

Aloha!

The Dolphins were still active even when the draft ended. They signed one of my favorite players from college last year -- Davone Bess from Hawaii. Bess had a sick season last year, catching passes like a madman for the Warriors as Colt Brennan's top target. He caught 108 passes for 1,266 yards and 12 touchdowns. Bess is a sharp route runner, he's quick, has great hands and is a tremendous athlete. He might project as a slot receiver in the NFL and can definitely help in special teams. I like this signing a lot. Know what else I like? A great ass. When I think of asses, a woman's ass... something comes over me!

Okay that's it.

All Right! That's It For Me!

Aaaaaaand, we're done. Well, that was fun. I'm all tapped out. Thanks for joining me, Nation. Thanks for the comments and the e-mails and the general all-around awesomeness that you always bring. Thanks also for making the last two days the most visited days of FinsNation's short history. You guys kick major ass. And that's way better than just regular ass. If you missed any of the draft, be sure to peruse the last five or six posts to get caught up with the whole shebang, or you can just visit the Draft Picks Page. I'll be back later to give my thoughts on the whole thing. But for now... I'm leaving on a high note!