Dolphins Hopes for Andrew Luck Still Alive Question Marks Exclamation Points

Ben Volin decided that today is a good day to fuck with us all because he writes that, thanks to the Colts win over the Titans on Sunday, the Dolphins suddenly got back into the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. Not cool, Ben Volin. Not. Cool.

Volin does do a pretty fantastic job of breaking down the draft scenarios, where we stand now, where we’ll likely be once the season ends, and how our five wins and counting are totally shoving a cock in our ear:

So Luck is back in play – for now at least. If you’re a Dolphins fan, you need to root your little heart out this weekend for the Colts. And develop an intense hatred of the Rams and Vikings

[…]

Outlook: Because of the second tiebreaker (conference record), the Dolphins (4-6 in AFC) currently pick ahead of Washington (5-5 in NFC), which is crucial because the Redskins will definitely be in the market for a quarterback in the draft. However, the Dolphins’ closing schedule is much tougher than the Redskins’, and they ultimately will lose the strength of schedule tiebreaker to Washington, if it comes down to that. Regardless, the Dolphins will still probably need to trade up to one of the top-4 spots if they want to ensure that they get one of the top QB prospects.

Since this whole Fire Jeff Ireland banner fiasco, I’ve been asked a few times if my opinion of the Honey Badger GM will change should he take the leap and trade up to draft Luck. The short answer to that is “Oh shit yes it will.” The longer answer is, “There’s no fucking way Jeff Ireland trades up because he overvalues draft picks and also he’s a giant pussy Honey Badger GM so there’s no chance of that happening.”

But staying put and not trading up for Andrew Luck is the right move. Those future middle-of-the-first-round picks and third rounders are an invaluable asset in the hands of a draft wizard like Jeff Ireland. No need to give up picks and move up to try and get the best quarterback prospect since Peyton Manning. This team is two or three Koa Misis away from being a Super Bowl champion, when you really think about it!

LaMontelle Pussyhammer Needs Just 27 Yards To Reach 1,000 Yards On The Season, Has An Ass Closet

Don’t Like Our Airplane Banner Idea? Kindly Suck A Bag of Dicks.

Disclaimer: This is by far the longest blog post I’ve ever written here at FN. Sorry about that. But the message needs to be made. Consider this our mission statement for the airplane banner thing.

As you no doubt have heard by now, a plan to fly an airplane with a banner attached to it that will read MR. ROSS, SAVE OUR DOLPHINS. FIRE JEFF IRELAND was put together by us. It was DRK’s idea and from that idea a beautiful thing was born.

We needed $1,500 to make it happen.

Thanks to a faithful many (you crazy fuckers), we accomplished this purely through donations. Via this here kick-ass Sun-Sentinel 2011 SPORTS BLOG OF THE MOTHERFUCKING YEAR blog, and also via twitter. We did this within a mere four hours after posting a PayPal link.

The Huffington Post wrote about it. Then The Palm Beach Post wrote about it. Followed by PFT.com, NFL.com, CBS.com and a bunch of other media outlets and holy shit birds people have lost their fucking minds over this thing!

So let me address those shitsticks for a moment.

I was interviewed by The Paul and Young Ron Show yesterday where I was bushwhacked and ambushed by none other meat-neck former Dolphin Kim Bokamper. His argument, like most people opposed to this whole endeavor — like this guy and this guy and a few others — is thusly:

“Jeff Ireland is not so bad but yea we need a quarterback and this organization needs better personnel decisions but he had one decent draft year and this is all Parcells’ fault anyway and ZOMG! look he drafted Jared Odrick.”

That about cover it, cuntbags?

First of all, let’s get this out of the way: Do yourself and your 12 readers a fucking favor and invest in this. It’s only like 9 bucks. If you’re going to be calling people “misguided” and “ignorant,” it’s probably not a good thing that your writing looks like you typed it with your feet.

Or at the very least, FUCKING PROOF READ. Fucksacks.

Okay. Moving on.

Look, I get that you think it’s classless to actively root against or deride one’s own team. I get that you think it’s honorable to give the powers that be the benefit of the doubt, regardless of being in the midst of yet another 7-9 season. I get that you think we’re morons, misguided, uneducated, uninformed, over the top, classless, faggots, two gay men (I’m quoting some twitter people there), idiots, bozos, jackasses, and so on.

I get that you think you’re an enlightened football fan because God knows, YOU run a super serious blog with aqua and orange colors and the Dolphins mascot on steroids sits atop your banner! And the Baby Jesus sees how you break down those YouTube videos and games you’ve DVR’d in your spare time. Shiva is very much aware that your next blog post will be about Matt Moore’s phenomenal pocket presence. You give what the people looking to read about the Dolphins are craving! THE SAME FUCKING THING ANYONE CAN FIND ON ESPN, ESPN.COM, NFL NETWORK, NFL.COM, SPORTS TALK RADIO, THE SUN-SENTINEL, MIAMI HERALD, PALM BEACH POST, CBS.COM, PFT.COM, AND FOOTBALLREFERENCE.COM.

You’re so irreverent and different! We’d all be lost mindless mongoloids, wandering the vast and endless wastelands of doltishness and fatuousness without your scholarly football wisdom! How on earth can I truly tell if Vernon Carey not moving positions will make an impact without your 10,000 word screeds on the subject? SUBJEGATE MY VAPIDITY WITH YOUR BREAKDOWN OF DABOLL’S OFFENSIVE SCHEMES! I BEG OF YOU, O HIGHEST PRIEST OF KNOWLEDGE!

I get that you think only your erudite mind and refined sense of breaking things down is above all others because, hey, you don’t think it’s very gentlemanly to fly a banner that says bad things about our general manager who has been working in our front office and calling some pretty important shots through three fucking straight nine-loss seasons.

I get that you think it’s worth keeping a guy whose lone claim to fame as a general manager is asking another human being if his mother sucked cock for money. Never mind that this player is currently one of the better up-and-coming dynamic players in the NFL and is currently playing for another team. What REALLY matters is if his mother took it in the ass from strangers for twenty bucks and a shot of Jaeger

I get that you think that Jeff Ireland had absolutely nothing to do with any of the drafts or personnel moves made since he’s been here. After all, someone had to go pay the pizza guy when he arrived at the war room with Bill and Tony’s double cheese bacon and cake frosting pie. Obviously, Jeff was paying the delivery kid when Bill drafted the shitty players, but was somehow magically there when the decent players were drafted. Maybe it was because Bill was taking a shit. Or maybe it was because Jeff never smelled whore juice on Jared Odrick.

I get that you think Jeff Ireland deserves our support when he didn’t sign Kyle Orton (even though every major news outlet tells us that was actually Stephen Ross’ call). Because greatness is measured by what you don’t do.

I get that you think him signing Cameron Wake was a genius move, when at least four other teams knew he would be great but only our owner ponied up the money he was looking for. Same goes for Dansby.

And that wet bag of shit we call an offensive line? Oh that’s totally Tony’s fault. HE is the offensive line guru, after all. Not Jeff’s fault at all. Nope.

I get that you think this team is a great quarterback away from turning around. And we agree!!! Thing is, a GM is kinda sorta supposed to find the quarterback and Jeff hasn’t exactly come through on that in his FOURTH FUCKING YEAR on the job. But, yea, totally. Let’s keep him around until he does. Then you’ll be proven right and the rest of us lowly unenlightened fans will see!

I get all that.

But here’s the thing.

We disagree.

Because, you see, we’re sick and fucking tired of the banality, the mediocrity, the downright river of shit we as a fanbase have been languishing in for the better part of a decade.

We know the banner means nothing. We don’t expect Ross to see it and go, “Hey I need to re-think this whole thing!”

I mean, if Jeff did somehow get fired we’d totally take the credit for it. BUT, we don’t expect anything.

The point of the banner is that we want these assholes to know they’re on fucking notice.

Want them to know that we’re NOT in lockstep with the rest of the Nazi Zombie fans.

That it’s not okay to continue to be 7-9 and miss the playoffs year after year after year.

We fucking DEMAND that this shit changes.

If nothing else, we hope the banner wakes these fuckers up and scares them straight.

We want to embarrass them. Not because we’re classless or uneducated or misinformed.

But because we’re sick and fucking tired of the shit. How can you NOT be?

When did banality and mediocrity become acceptable to this proud fanbase?

Classless? Uneducated? Fuck you.

We demand better. That’s it.

Another season of 7-9 is acceptable to you? Fine.

But there’s a vocal and growing crowd of Dolphins fans who are sick of this shit and we’re taking it to the streets.

We love our team enough to stop wanting it to SUCK GOD DAMN MONKEY COCK ALREADY.

The banner is love. Love for our football team. Love for your football team.

Fuck, it’s downright American!

And if you can’t see that, then we’re sorry.

Now go write another epic blog post about the differences between Tom Olividotti’s defense and Mike Nolan’s defense and suck a bag of dicks.

A whole bag of them.

— Chris Joseph, Roger Paul, The FinsNation Army, And Tired Dolphins Fans Everywhere

Keys To The Game: Dolphins @ Cowboys

So, I actually want to get drunk and watch us win tomorrow. Sorry, but I fucking hate the Cowboys. Besides the Jets game at the end of the year, I’m fine with us losing every remaining game but I fucking really hate the Cowboys, their dipshit QB, their dipshit Head Coach, the Ryan brother that always drinks out of beer cans and rides Harleys or whatever the fuck and their digusting fucking owner. Fuck ’em all. So I want us to win. My only wish is that we’d look as fucking FLY as we did Thanksgiving 2003. I watched this video about 5x in a row just because of how much I love those uniforms.

Also, don’t y’all forget (as Tom Ass has mentioned here and on Twitter) that tomorrow is the fucking WHORE BOWL. Jeff Ireland and his whore-hating face against Dez Bryant and his dubiously-employed mother. Didn’t Dez swear some revenge on Ireland? I can’t recall but I’d be starting that fucker in fantasy if I were you.

Finally, The Dude and I want to wish all you crazy fuckers a fun-filled, delicious, and safe Thanksgiving. Hope y’all have some delicious food and spend some quality time with your friends and families. We love you.

GO DOLPHINS!

Mmmmm…. Mediocrity

A three game winning streak.

Well shit.

I guess the worst part of all this is the stupid happy looks on the Nazi Dolphins Fans’ faces today.

“WE JUST BEAT A REELING, INJURY-RIDDLED TEAM AND ARE NOW ONLY SIX STRAIGHT WINS FROM POSSIBLY MAKING THE PLAYOFFS! MATT MOORE IS THE TRUE HEIR TO DAN MARINO! SEIG HEIL!!”

Fucking short-sighted simpletons.

Anyway, now we’re off to Dallas and the shitload of the Thanksgiving game  Leon Lett play being shown on ESPN over and over again, which will be a nice change-of-pace from the Tim Tebow bukakke.

In the meantime, this Miami New Times rundown.

Site Update: The old Chinese guy that rides the stationary bike that powers this website had to take a shit, so we apologize for the site being down this morning.

The Matt Moore Late Bloomery Pants Party!

Oprah two and seven
Gotta admit. The only parts of the Dolphins game I watched was whenever they would appear on the Red Zone channel. And since we pretty much suck old lady ass in every aspect of football, I didn’t expect to see us there all that much. But then the DOLPHINS REDSKINS UPDATE!! thing flashed on my TV and they cut to the game, and showed LaMontelle Pussyhammer scoring a touchdown and throwing the ball into the stands.

Soon after, they went back and showed Washington’s kicker missing field goals, and Rex Grossman throwing an intercpetion in the redzone.

SWEET BABY JESUS MAKE IT STOP!

It got to a point where everytime the update graphics flashed, my asshole clentched up and I collapsed into a fetal position expecting the worst. Another fucking Dolphins touchdown. And then the updates wouldn’t stop! What is this fuckery? Reggie Bush is good at football now? What in shitsville is Mike Shanahan doing benching his talented rookie running back? Why is Rex Grossman allowed to be a starting quarterback? Why is this defense being good now after looking like a pile of cat shit for the first seven games of the season? Why is this team winning these meaningless games?? Goddamit!!!

The Marionette Puppet Matt Moore played as mediocre as possible (209 yards, 1 INT, 1 fumble, 0 touchdowns. SUCH A LATE BLOOMER!) and we still managed to score a fucking win.

Now the insufferable Happy Dolphins Fans are out in full force, celebrating our shitty banality like we just won a goddamned Super Bowl and actually believing that we’ve got a real good shot at winning out. Seven wins in a row? A cakewalk! We’re so fantastically good! Mmmm…. cock.

So we’re currently at two wins along with the Rams. The assface Colts, meanwhile, have simply gone full on Fuck It mode. Where the hell is their Karlos Dansby yelling defiantly that this shit ain’t right, bro?

And no, shitheads, we’re not winning out. And NO Matt Moore IS NOT THE NEXT FUCKING TONY ROMO! Knock that ass fuckery off right now.

Anyway… Go and read my Miami New Times game rundown and bask in the glory that is New Times commenters hating the shit out of me.

And buck up, Nation. Here’s something to make us feel a whole lot better today.

Holy Titballs We Almost Won Again!

For the second week in a row, the Dolphins almost pulled off a win. The Dolphins need to cut that shit out already.

Anyway, it’s Lucktory Monday! And good God we’ve earned it this week. So to celebrate, we give you the latest vid from those goofy fuckers Rizzmiggizz and Kevin Mayer.

The video is a bit NSFW. And by “NSFW” I mean it’s got some disturbing shit in it like, for example, Jeff Ireland fucking some weird mutant Dolphin/woman hybrid thing. Shit like that.

Anyway…. enjoy!

PHINS UP!

We Didn’t Stop Tim Tebow! 2.0

What happens when you take reader Kevin Mayer’s brilliant We Didn’t Stop Tim Tebow song and give it to genius FN video editor Vinbob?

AMAZEBALLS is what happens.

Like peanut butter and chocolate, or strippers and coke, it was only right to combine the two.

Dolphins Quotation Marks Reached Out to Bill Cowher Question Marks Exclamation Points

There’s no news like conjecture and rumor mongering! And the latest rumor floating around the interwebs is that the Dolphins have “reached out” to Bill Cowher so everyone can get super excited about it until he utterly fails like the other dipshits we deemed “Franchise Savior!”

Cowher, now an analyst for CBS Sports, said he won’t comment on coaching rumors. However, according to a source with knowledge of the situation, intermediaries for the Miami Dolphins have contacted people close to Cowher about coaching the team. Now, everyone will deny this because no one wants to admit they are looking to fill a job that’s already filled. In this case, the job of Tony Sparano. The Dolphins issued a statement to CBSSports.com declining comment.

*wanking motion*

Ok. Fine. Whatever.

Cowher is a fine coach. And I’m sure all those anti-Suck For Luck people out there are all giggly over this news. Which baffles the shit out of me to no end and makes me want to find each and every one of them and give them a good hard cock slap.

I think it’s pretty goddamn evident at this point. It doesn’t matter who we bring in here to fix this shitstain.

NO QB = NO DICE.

From Saban to Cameron to Parcells, it’s pretty fucking clear that who we bring in to run shit is not nearly as important as who our QB is. This organization always seems to have a monster boner for the latest “top name out there” to make all our dreams come true. Yet between Saban and Parcells we’ve had roughly 6,978 starting quarterbacks since Dan Marino retired.

So Stephen Ross can spew all the gold coins from his asshole Cowher or any other hot candidate asks for. He can re-animate the corpse of George Hallas, for all I care.

His team fucks up this Suck For Luck thing and we’re all, in a word, COMPLETELY FUCKED.

Yes I know I said “in a word” and then went with two. I’m unpredictable and mercurial that way. I’m a rebel. A maverick. I guess that’s why I lead such an exciting and exotic life.

/cleans out cat litter

//falls asleep reading Nicholas Sparks novel

We’re 0-2 and Have No Clue, But Kate Upton Wants To Say Hi

Da Booty.

Da Boobies.

This should help you get your mind off this stupid team for a few minutes.