All We Can Do Is Keep Giving You Boobs

Don’t know what to tell you guys. I’m knee-deep in work. The Dude is busy covering the NBA Playoffs, which I’m told last for 9 months out of the year with most games beginning around 3am – 5am EST. The Doldrums are soon to become THE SPORTS RAPTURE. Shit’s just fucking bad, man. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. So we’ll continue to occasionally come by and give you a titty or two, make fun of the NFL owners and do what we can.

We’re sports dickjoke / titty bloggers – we’re not writers for NBC’s Community. If we have no viable material to work with, we’re not going to sit here and rank the Dolphins top 1,000,000 shittiest players. We’re not going to waste our valuable time with that and, more importantly, we’re not going to waste yours. So please bare with us through this very difficult time. I promise we’ll be back better than ever. Just hang in there because we really love you and we love to make you think/laugh but, mostly, have your penis laugh. He’s so cute! He loves to smile, doesn’t he?!?!? (baby voice)

In the meantime…..Go Heat??

/ braces for public stoning

Weekender: “Hay Que Frigo!” Edition


This is Francesca Frigo. A number of us follow her on Twitter. I recommend you do the same if you fancy such things as incredibly hot Venezuelan Playboy models that constantly post pictures of themselves in various states of undress. You know…if you’re into that sorta thing and all.

Have a great weekend, Nation!

FN Draft Talk: Getting Yelled At By Douchey McDipshit

FN star commenter and draft guru extraordinaire CK Parrot finally got to shoot his load on national television on NFL Network last week. Boy, that was worded poorly.

Anyway, CK (aka BEER HOLSTERS!) got himself all cleaned up and appeared on NFL Network to talk up The Wangsta. Then that chippy little vaginus Paul Burmeister started berating him about his knowlege.

“Ohh… look at me. I quarterbacked the University of Iowa to undaunted heights of mediocrity! And now I’m the guy NFL Network throws on all their shitty shows when they need someone just slightly above the talent level of a PSA voice over guy! GMs talk to me off the record! You’re no match for my inane circle of logic! I am a master of semantics!”

Anyway, CK handled his shit well. Kudos to him for holding it down.

You can watch the vid here.

Also, I got news for you all: Get visions of first-round quarterbacks, running backs, and wide receivers out of your head because the Dolphins are totally going to trade out of the 15 spot to recoup their lost 2nd rounder. So get ready for another exciting season cheering for Chad Henne’s shittiness and his AMAZING offensive line filled with leaders with terrific motors! Also known as the Cincinnati Bengals! Weeee….!!

Weekender: Good (T*ts) Friday

Well, a slightly more eventful week around these parts what with our draft breakdowns commencing and continuing on through next week (yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo…Ry-Mizzy in da hizzy) and the release of that nail-encrusted baseball bat of a schedule lodged firmly in our rectum. Good stuff, NFL! Would it kill you to just have a weekend off where EVERYONE would rest and then we go back at it for the second half?? Wouldn’t that seem almost kind of exciting, like a pre-playoff of sorts as teams go at it during the final stretch??? Whatever. You may say I’m a dreamer…but I’m not the only one.

Your Weekender is some dopey-faced chick with big boobers. How very @ilikegirlsdaily of us to choose some random chick off the internet!!! What sayeth you, oh Wangsta??

Yoyoyoyoooo…wassup, homey! Yoooo, dat gurl’s hot, son! Farilllzzz…Ry-Mizzy would get ALL up in dat dopey love. Yo, watch me while I breakdance, yo.

/ makes you hold can of Rockstar energy drink mixed with Popov vodka

Have a good weekend, Nation!

Weekender: Brooklyn’d!

Thanks again for all the birthday wishes, Nation! Here, on twitter and on facebook as well. Jesus I can’t get away from you people.

In gratitude, I give you Brooklyn Decker’s 2011 SI swimsuit photos as your Weekender girl. (See all her SI pics here)

Also, I figured you’d had enough of staring at my gorgeous face and it was time for some tit.

This website is nothing if not helpful.

Tom Brady: SSSSTILL A Douche

This video surfaced last week of Super Douche Tom Brady dancing away like a little fairy boy at Carnaval. CLEARLY, someone is ignoring the cardinal sin Man Rule of never passing the ‘Fag Asymptote’ with your arms (i.e. don’t go above your chest with your arms whilst dancing). So enjoy Tom ‘Carnaval’ Brady as he dances the night away in Rio and feel overwhelming security in the fact that – despite the looming lockout, our rollicking circus of a franchise and the overall depressing QB landscape this year – there’s still Tom Brady making a total assclown out of himself internationally. He’s like James Bond; if James Bond was a member of the Polyphonic Spree.

Weekender: Boob-o’-tronix Edition

/ loooong whistle

Oh boy, it’s been a while. These Doldrums are even more doldrum-y than any Doldrums before. I reckon these are the Super/Mega/Ultra Mega Ok/Superuknown Doldrums – with the CBA talks and the endless negotiating charade between millionaires and billionaires (‘Why, yes, I have tons of money but I WANT EVEN MORE MONEY, YOU SEE!!’) threatening to bring us to our very knees in doldrum-y desperation for ANYTHING that resembles actual, live, important football news. Until then, we hopelessly navigate through the Doldrums’ treacherous, unforgiving waters and bide our time by masturbating furiously into various gym socks around the house.

Here’s Megan Fox to help.

Weekender: Dark Hair, Blue Eyes = Bonertown USA

In keeping with The Dude’s Friday night, pre-date post from last week (which went very well, thank you very much!!!) I figured it was my turn to put up my own Friday night date doppelganger for your viewing pleasure.

May thin girls with big boobs, dark hair and piercing blue eyes live on forever until the Sun expires in the most glorious supernovae.

Have a good weekend, Nation.

Weekender: Fraulein McBoobies!


Sorry about the lack of posts from me here at FN, Nation. The man has me shackled with his “rules” and “responsibilities” and “bills” and “feed your kids” and shit. I’ve been swamped. But I’m here to kick off my 2011 Weekender in style. So you can unclench your sphincters now.

Point being, I’m here to show you boobies and ass.

And this week I give you Jordan Carver. She’s a German model. She’s become kind of an Internet sensation and has been in a commercial or two. But mainly, she has big tits.

And if you don’t appreciate big tits, then you’re really just an asshole. And you probably like penis. But mostly, you’re an asshole.

In this Q & A she reveals that the place she likes to be touched are her hips. Which makes no godamn sense to me. That’s like me saying I like to be touched on my nostrils. Still, if that’s what it takes to get to the top, then so be it.

Hey, you have to believe in your dreams. That’s what the magician that worked my 8th birthday party taught me. Well it was him and my buddy Bryan’s mom. She had enormous breasts.

I think the moral of this story for the kids out there is that you should have friends with moms with big tits.

Time to Change the Scenery


Got very tired, very quickly of having the Steelers fan occupying the lead space on this here titty blog. So I figured we might as well put up some of the best gat-dang tits currently alive. Just goes to show you that no matter how infuriatingly annoying and mind-numbing a person can be, if she is a very, very hot woman with enormous 32D jugs your penis will ultimately wrestle control over your rational brain. Your penis wins every time. When up against your penis, your brain is the 2011 Cleveland Cavaliers and the Columbia football team from 1983 – 1988 combined.

Update: Some actual news – seems Will Allen has restructured his contract with the Dolphins and ole’ Rock Hands will return for the 2011 season. Also, with Ray Horton being selected as the new DC in Arizona, DB coach Todd Bowles will likely stay on with us for a 4th season. Has he figured out a way for us to make Nick Collins-like ints this season, I don’t know but he’ll be back to join the circus!!!