Your Miami Dolphins Start the 2013 Season 2-0, SHOW US YOUR TITS!

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Holy cockshoes your Miami Dolphins are 2-0!

After taking down Andrew Luck and the Indianapolis Colts 24-20, the Fins are off to the races, starting the season 2-0 for the first time IN LIKE A DECADE.

Kinda like the first time I ever dry-humped my mattress, this feels weird, but also really good!

Feel free to give us your take in the comments. Here are some quick thoughts following the win:

  • COCKCAKES Grimes has been pretty stellar so far. That INT in the endzone as he covered Reggie Wayne was the play of the game. Keep in mind that before his injury with the Bucs Falcons, Grimes was one of the best corners in the league. If his knee can hold up for the rest of the year, the Fins might have gotten themselves quite the bargain. He keeps this up, and he’ll be in line for Most Improved Player. And we can celebrate with cake!
  • Ryan Tannehill still looks a tad jittery in the pocket, and forces some shit throws — or he’ll just stand there and forget that this is tackle football and that the defensive line doesn’t have to count Mississippi’s before rushing him. BUT, he can throw darts in small spaces and seems to be getting a grasp of NFL speed. His long-ball still has the accuracy of DRK trying to take a shit when he’s drunk, but there is visible improvement. And he outplayed Andrew Luck in this game. So, there’s that.
  • Our linebackers still can’t cover tight ends. If the Colts coaches had realized this, maybe this game would’ve had a different outcome.
  • Dion Jordan pushed Andrew Luck. He PUSHED him. This happened. What the shit?
  • Mike Wallace needs to BITCH AND MOAN SOME MORE. Because that shit works, evidently.
  • The Dolphins committed zero penalties in this game. That’s fucking bananas.
  • The offensive line remains, as ever, a big wet grocery bag of dog shit. I mean what the fuck is a Ryan Clabo? And enough already with Daniel Thomas whiffing on his blocks.
  • We’re really, really, super good at finding kickers. Caleb Sturgis is a beardless Dan Carpenter.
  • Brian Hartline and his CAT-LIKE REFLEXES had yet another stupendous game. We like fucking with the guy on Twitter, but it’s time we gave him his due. Hartline is a gamer. Sure, he forever fucked up when he came after DRK with his lame cat trash talk. But he more than makes up for it with his play, and with his deciding to not block the shit out of everyone on Twitter when they tweet out stuff like :

 

 

 

 

 

 

We’re such assholes.

BUT WE’RE HAPPY ASSHOLES WHO ARE 2-0 FUCK YEA.

Dolphins at Colts Open Thread

(The most perfect bit by Louis CK EVER)

Anyway…

Fins at Colts

The Guy That Could Have Been Our Star Franchise Quarterback vs. The Consolation Prize Guy With a Wife People Inexplicably Find Hot.

Should be a hoot!

Will Miami go 2-0? Can they? STAY TUNED…

Bang up the comments section why dontcha….

It’s Friday, Fuckers

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On Sunday, we’re up against our beloved ONE THAT GOT AWAY, derp-face and dumb voice and all.  : (

Hopefully the O-line gets their shit together and the running backs, you know, run hard and stuff.

Bang it here for some keys to the game.

Have a great weekend.  God, I love football!

Dolphins at Browns Open Thread

And here we goooooo

Year Two of the Tannehill/Philbin/DearGodWhyIsIrelandStillInCharge?? kicks off today in Cleveland.

The Browns are pretty much the Dolphins, except in a shittier town. Also, with shittier helmets. And shittier people, in general.

But, otherwise, yea… so today’s game ought to be a fucking delight!

As per usual, feel free to leave your in-game and post-game thoughts and feelings here in the comments.

Now that the season is official, DRK and I will be all up in this shit talking and writing about the Fins with more frequency [:::farrrrrt::]

Okay then. Let’s fucking do this!

Presenting: The 2013 J.R. Tolver Award

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….AND OOOH WHAT MERRIMENT THE LAND DOTH ENJOY….

For today, on this 6th of September, in the Year of our Lord, Omar Kelly, did his most gracious of all Dolphins soothsayers/mother-sexing deities decree that the final, YES FINAL, J.R. Tolver Award Winner for Wide Receivers That Show Promise, Ability, Zeal, Athleticism, Toughness, Discipline, Chutzpah Only To Continuously Disappoint Us in the Regular Season Until They Are Cast off the Side of an Aircraft Carrier Like a Terrorist Islamic Extremist would be passed down from the Heavens and out of Omar Kelly’s most gracious bowel movement.  DEUCES, INDEEEEEEEED.

(trumpets blaring, the crowd gathers in the town square, gats in hand, Tupac verses mumbling under their collective breath)

The Constable Dat Roro Kid, with a freshly-moistened and excrement-soiled scroll delivered straight out of Omar Kelly’s perfectly round ‘fruity booty’, begins his announcement to the gathered masses:

The Preseason is Mercifully Over

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Welp, that’s all over and done with.  After 5 pretty painful, pointless games, the Dolphins will kick off the 2013 season next Sunday in Cleveland.  What can we take away from meaningless games involving several men that will be taking Pizza Hut orders in the next week or so?  Well, not much but certainly a few things:

Positives

  • There were times I was really impressed by Tannehill and it seemed as though the connection between him and his new weapons improved as the preseason went on.
  • The defense has a chance to actually be special this year and not that ‘Feed The Wolf’ bullshit.  There’s some concern about CB depth and I’m still not convinced we have anyone that can cover a tight end in the seam but that’s our albatross.
  • The D-Line is nasty
  • Will Davis looks like he can make some plays and might be an impact player this year.
  • Caleb Sturgis can kick the fuck out of the ball.
  • I think Brandon Gibson is suddenly the big X-factor on this team and his performance (especially in the Red Zone) will dictate  whether or not this team will be successful.

Negatives

  • Fuck you Preseason, for taking away Dustin Keller.  He was poised to have a really great season, we thought, and now that’s all unicorn vomit.  Instead, Egnew keeps his roster spot and Charles Fucking Clay becomes the #1 tight end.  Motherfucker.  Pencil in Sims as the starter by the time the 5th game rolls around or so.
  • The offensive line continues to be a disaster and didn’t really show much improvement as the preseason progressed.  I’m really, really worried about that unit.  Jonathan Martin is pedestrian against even slightly above-average pass rushers and I have more faith in lending Dez Bryant’s whore crackhead mom $50 than in whatever’s going on on the right side of the line.  I pray for Tannyboy.
  • The running back situation is a total question mark.  At times, Lamar Miller seems like his UM-self but then there are times he’s bottled up pretty quickly.  The fact we don’t have a true BRUISER of a running back concerns me and makes me think we should keep Jonas Gray above Gillislee but that’s not gonna happen because IRELAND.
  • Tannehill looks more comfortable but he’s a bit too inconsistent.  He’ll have one great drive out of 4 and that’s just not a great average.  Losing Keller only hurts him more and I fear we’ll see more FGs than we would have if we’d had Keller.
  • We’d better hope for a pretty healthy year because the 2nd and 3rd teamers are fucking hot garbage most of the time.
  • The lack of Dion Jordan action – FOR A #3 OVERALL PICK WE TRADED UP TO GET – is a bit disconcerting at this point.
  • I still hate the uniforms.  Kinda.  Mostly.

Really, we’re just glad the fake football is out of the way and the real season starts soon. 

Enjoy the weekend, Nation.

 

 

So Long, Dan Carpenter

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Unless you’ve been living in Egypt for the past 24 hours, you’ll know that Dan Carpenter was released by the Dolphins in an effort to save some flowage against the cap and give more reps to 5th round pick, Caleb Sturgis.  Sturgis impressed the shit out of everyone in the Jax preseason game with 6 kicks into the endzone (4 for touchbacks) and a couple of long FGs dude was all ‘NBD’ about.  Coming in cold and kicking a 58 yarder is no bullshit and it’s the kinda thing that has Jeffy Ireland fappin’ til his peener is blood red.

Nonetheless, we’ve overall been fans of Dan Carpenter and his flowing locks here at FN so we salute you, Viking Montana Kicking Man, and wish you all the best in your career and that whole ‘rest of your meaningless life’ thing. 

Also, we’re sorry that Sparano broke you in 2010.  That fat guy was a stupid dick.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

Joe Philbin is CRAZY EXCITED for Tonight’s Preseason Game

 

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Aww yea, GO PHILBIN GO PHILBIN GO!  GO PHILBIN GO PHILBIN GO!

Things to look out for tonight:

  • Will Tannyboy be better or SHOULD WE JUST KILL HIM NOW AND BURY HIS BODY IN TROPICAL PARK??
  • Offensive Line: Caca de dinosario
  • Mike Wallace + Chipmunk = Nu Luk Awfenzzzz FINARRY
  • Defense gonna get all chumpy and miss tackles and have dudes bounce off them and have tight ends get open downfield on them again? 
  • EGGGGNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Seriously, though, here’s to hoping Tannehill plays more than a couple series.  Homeboy ain’t exactly Aaron Rodgers; he clearly needs the reps.

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Dolphins Fall to Cowboys in Sloppy Premiere

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“PUPPET TWIST ARRRRGGGHHH”

 

Happy Monday, Dolphins fans!

That was a shitty start to the season but, really, what did you expect?  I mean, Michael Egnew was a featured part of the offense and we fumbled on the very first play from scrimmage.  So, yea, it was pretty crappy.

Feel free to read my recap here.

Hopefully Friday against the Jaguars goes much  much better.

Dolphins Lose Binns for Season, Looking Elsewhere for WR Help

 

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The Dolphins lost WR Armon Binns for the season yesterday when Binns went down with a torn MCL and ACL. Binns had been a bit gimpy since Saturday but yesterday the kid finally went down for good, thus losing out on his bid to become the 4th WR on the active roster. Binns was slated to get some good playing time this season after having a somewhat promising 2012 campaign but it just goes to show you that that #19 jersey TROLLS ALL AND JUST AIN’T CARE. Tough break for the kid but now it’s ‘next man up’ as the Dolphins will rely on camp standout Marvin McNutt along with a couple of things called a ‘Rishard Matthews’ and a ‘Jeff Fuller’. The Dolphins will also bring in last year’s offseason prized WR-free-agent-cum-in-season-gelatinous-goo-brain, Laurent Robinson, for a workout. Hmph.

Worst of all for Binns is that he was clearly the front runner in our annual J.R. Tolver Award and this injury will eliminate him from that prestigious honor. I’m sure he’s more disappointed about that than anything else concerning this injury, really. Maybe he should seek some counsel with this guy.

There’s always next year!

Tonight is the team scrimmage ‘dress rehearsal’ at Sun Life at 7pm. I went to one of these in 2003 and, Jesus Christ, it was boring.

Programming note: The Dude (along with Rizz and Adam Smoot) were on a Page Q podcast recently talkin Dolphins. Bang it here.