Hi there Fins Nation.
Come on, tell them.
Ahem. Hi there Fins Nation. I just wanted to...
Come on! Tell them!
I'm trying to.
Well, get on with it, twat-face!
Continue reading "Cam Cameron and His Penis Would Like to Wish FN a Happy Crappiversary" »
Ooooooooh, I looooooove birthdays!!! I can’t wait to have a Mai-Tai and some chocolate covered strrawberrieeess!!!!
That’s how men celebrate, right?
/licks lips
Anyway, happy birthday, FinsNation!!! You dirty little tease. YOU SKANK.
/giggles then lands a limp-wristed slap at you
You’re getting too old for me!!! I only date YOUNGER sitesssss.
/laughs like Rupaul
OH. MY. GOD. Did you see me at the Hall of Fame Game??? Have you seen my arms since I was on Dancing With The Starrthzzzzz??? I feel so sssexy.
/rubs both naked biceps with opposite hands
Well, DUDE, if you want me to give you a little striptease later in honor of the birthday of your site thingy, call me ok??? I'll even bring a very special friend and we can have a three-boy private party!!! Oohhh! I can't wait!!!
Don’t get all jealous because I’m a HOT Indian warrior now. I’m burning with rage and desire and I’m all out for blood. LOOK AT ME!!!
AYE, PAPI!!!
/giggles like your first girlfriend
-DRK
When I first heard somebody was making fun of my 'uge calves, k, I was like "Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little contrarian shit on de intergoogles who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it. Well dats just out-fucking-standing." Den I took out my frustrations on the players and ran dem til they all fucking died. Don't piss me off, k. Because at the end of the day, I'll run my players til their assholes are sucking buttermilk.
So needless to say, k, when I find dis "Dude," I'm gonna gouge out his eyeballs and skull fuck him til the sun comes up, k.
Ya hear me, Dude? Mr. Fucking Comedian? You think yer so funny and clever, do ya? Bullshit. It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your momma's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress! Dats what I think, k. At the end of the day.
I'll bet you're the kinda guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. So me and my 'uge calves would like you to have a five dollar foot-long dick sub, on us.
Oh, and happy anniversary and all that shit, you twinkle-toed cocksucker, k.
At the end of the day.
Sup. Steve Fifita here to tell you how you can become an NFL Pro Bowler. I've never been there myself, but take it from me. I know. And knowing is half the battle 'n shit. First, eat a lot of honey glazed hams. Not so much because they help you become a better football player in as much as they're just delicious. Then, run 5.15 seconds in the 40 yard dash. That's most likely due to the ham so don't worry about it. Nothing a good long shit can't take care of. Then, sign with the Miami Dolphins as an undrafted free agent. Then, get waived. Eat more ham. Try out with another NFL team like the Vikings or some shit. It doesn't matter because the Dolphins will re-sign you anyway. Re-sign with the Dolphins. Play up to your most mediocre standards as possible. Hey, you're a Miami Dolphin, so it's cool. Get waived again the following off-season. Then, sign with the Patriots six days later. Bingo. You're on your way to the Pro Bowl, bitches! And that's how you get to be a Pro Bowler in ten easy steps. Don't forget the part about the honey glazed ham. That's key. That and playing for the Dolphins and then going straight to the Patriots afterwards. But it's mostly about the ham, in my opinion.
"The Dolphins spent the past two weeks finalizing a draft board. Ireland and Parcells met daily, sometimes several times daily, to discuss players and strategies with the goal of doing what is best for the team while also avoiding disagreements during the draft. 'He brings a great history of players that he has drafted, guys he's seen have success and, like the question was asked, `How much do you draw from your misses and your hits?' Well, he's had some misses and a lot of hits in his time so you draw from those experiences,' Ireland said."
You smell that? Do you smell that? Draft day, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of a good lateral movement and forty-time in the morning. You know, one time we had a kid named Lawrence Taylor, for twelve years. He led us to two Super Bowl championships. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know, that prospect smell, the whole draft. Smells like … victory.
How’re you feeling, Jeffy?
Like a mean motherfucker, sir!
Alright, Smiley. What you got?
What do ya mean coach?
Your ass is bigger than usual today. And if there's one thing I know, it's big asses.
Oh that. Meh. I just been putting gravy on my porkchops lately. That's all. Really.
Let's go Smiley. Out with it!
:sigh: Fine.
What the hell? That motherfucker's pullin stuff outta his ass!
A Triple-A Card?
In case I go for a ride with Channing Crowder.
Christ. What else you got up there? C'mon!
Alright... alright....
I went fishing over the weekend.
And?
And I caught a rainbow trout.
With these guys.
-Hot damn, son! It's hotter than dog shit on a skillet up in there!
-You said it, Bo. Darker than a coal miner's lunch box, too!
What else, Smiley. C'mon.
:gasp!: Oh sweet Jesus! I couldn't breathe in there!
What the hell, Smiley?
He kept bothering me, asking if I knew where the team prayer meetings were. So I grabbed him and said, "I got your prayer meeting right here!" I was gonna give him right back. Honest.
What else you got?
That's it, coach. I swear.
Say, uh, sorry to interrupt, Mr. Parcells. You know if anyone's seen Samkon Gado lately?
Gado? I thought we cut him, Jeff.
No, sir. He was supposed to report today to restructure his contract. But no one has seen or heard from him in like a week.
SMILE--Y!!
Oh yea. Sorry. Forgot.
This is not cool, my fiends! I am not to like being lodged inside a man's anus! It is not cool in the very least! I am to leave now! I am to leave and never come back! Merry New Year!
What?
You remember that semi-retarded guy? Mike Mularkey? He used to be offensive coordinator round here?
Yes. I know him. He is, how you say? A dumb fuck. Yes?
I wouldn’t go so far as to call the brotha a dumb fuck. He’s slow. What’s the poor muthafucka gonna do? He’s semi-retarded.
Well…word round the water cooler is he’s now our offensive coordinator again.
Why is this happening?
Mularkey caught Coach Cam giving Mrs. Mularkey a foot massage. So now Mularkey's our OC. It’s a damn shame for Coach Cam. He’s just beggin to get fired now.
It is great shame. But you play with matches, you get burn.
What? Man I think Mularkey waayyy over-reacted here. It was a foot massage!
I think Coach Cam should know better to give Mrs. Mularkey foot massage. You should not touch another man’s woman like this. It is not same as eating her beaver. But it is same ballpark.
Man giving a guy’s wife a foot massage and stickin yer tongue in the holiest of holies ain’t in the same fuckin ballpark. It ain't the same league. It ain’t even the same sport.
You ever give foot massage?
What?! Don’t be telling me about foot massages! I’m the foot fuckin master!
Would you give a man foot massage?
Man, fuck you.
Boys, coach Cam and I feel you need an extra oompf to get a little pep back in your step.
That's right Randy!
You need a little inspiration from someone we all respect and admire, well frankly, like a god around these parts.
That's right Randy!
So, coach Cam and I have called in a special guest to speak with you to help motivate and put a foot in your caboose. So to speak, heh heh heh.
That's right Randy!
Because we can do this, fellas! We just need the right motivation. Right coach?
Um, and, well, our guest is a tad upset about our 0-11 start. And I think you'd all agree that there's nothing like a good old fashioned pep talk.
That's right Randy!
Yup. So without further adieu, I give you the greatest Miami Dolphin ever: Dan Marino! Dan?
Holy motherfucking Moses. That didn't quite turn out like I'd imagined.
I... I think I just shat myself.
Hey guys. I’m here to help with the Thanksgiving drive.
Aye there me brave lassie! Me name’s Patrick Cobbs.
Hi. Ricky.
Lemme tell yeh boy-o, I should be the starting running beck on this ere team!
Okay. Sounds good to me.
Aye but I tripped over my shillelagh as I was fightin' a leprechaun and a fairy and I hurt me plum gibblets. They took me Guinness, so I kicked the fairy in his wee little testes and stabbed the leprechaun with a shiv I carved out from a toy compass I gets from me Lucky Charms cereal.
Well. That’s great. Um... I’m just here to help hand out turkeys and whatever else you guys need.
Hello!
Um. Hi.
I am Samkon Gado. I am from Africa. I am very happy to be here! I make good runnings with Miami Dolphins, yes. I have many good friends with Miami Dolphins. Joey Porter is my good buddy.
Great.
"Give me my money, mother-focker!!! Or I will cut you and take your bitch!!!"
Excuse me???
I do not know what this means. But my good buddy Joey Porter teach me to say it at every conclusion of playing-card contest called Bleck Jeck. It is a very affective strategy.
Oh… um. Okay.
I am very happy to be here!
Mumph, mumphlerel, mumphlreer, mumphrlere…
What?
Mumphrle… :gulp: … Sorry. Had a corn dog in m’mouth. I’m Jesse. So. You here to take my starter's job, homey?
I just want to play football. I'll accept whatever roll coach gives me.
I heard you a good runner. Like world-class n'shit.
I guess.
Yea, yea, yea. But can you fit two whole turkeys in yer mouth?
Um. No. Of course not.
Okay guys. Bus is leaving to give away the turkey dinners. Let's go!
Okay. Great!
Lemme at em, coach. Aye I got me silver spoon ready to hand out stuffin.
I am very happy to be here!
Murf!....Murf!
Jesse! Jesse! Chatman!!! Spit those darn turkeys out your mouth and get on the bus!
:PEW!: Sorry coach. Just tryin to prove I deserve the starting job.
By shoving two whole turkeys in your mouth? What in heck fire will that prove?
Hey coach.
What??!
What time is lunch? I needs to get me more of them corn dogs up in m'mouth...sheeeeeit!!! Them muthafuckas are tase-ty!!!
Christ almighty. Get on the bus.
Kay coach.
:sigh" Should have waited til they fired Marty in San Diego before agreeing to this job.
I told ya!*
-
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, NATION. BE GOOD. BE SAFE. HAVE FUN. AND DON'T LEAVE ANY LEFTOVERS. OR JESSE WILL SHOW UP AT YOUR HOUSE....
*for those of you new to the site, yes, Cam Cameron's penis talks to Cam.
We all struggle with our inner demons. A voice that speaks to us and tries to dominate our very existence. For most of us, the voice is just an expression of our conscience or a figment of our imagination. We are able to shut it out and go about our day at peace. Our tortured hero Cam Cameron also has an inner demon. In his case, it's his penis. And like our own inner demons, it talks. But unlike our inner demons, it's not a fictitious product of a stressed out mind. It's real. Very, very real.... ....
Know what I think about sometimes? Killing Randy. Just ramming a fuckin pick-axe right through his head. Fucker’s gonna cost us our job, man. Sincerely. Wish I could strangle him. If only I had arms. But I am just a lowly penis. Cam?
Just ignore it. Just ignore it. Just ignore it.
Hey Cam. Cam? Caaaam….
:sigh: Yes, penis? What is it?
I was thinking.
Yea?
I was thinking maybe we should take a break this week. Fly down to Vegas. Visit that woman with the donkey again. Get in some Blackjack. Whatta ya say? All-you-can-eat breakfast buffet! Ah? Ahh?
You know we can’t do that.
C’mon! It’s called a bye week for a reason. Say “bye-bye” for the week, ya know? Let’s get fucking hammered! Woot!
That’s enough now, really.
Man! You are such a wuss. An uber-wuss. That means Super-wuss in Polish. Er something. Look everybody! I’m a uber-wuss’s penis! Look at me! Look at me! LOOOOOK AT MEEEEE!!!!
Stop it. That’s enough!
Know why I can talk, people? Because I gots the balls!
I said stop it!
That’s right! I can sing too. “Oh solo mio! Cam is a pussy! Watch him punt the ball instead of going for the win!”
Stop!
I can also do a jig. Ah-cha-cha-cha…. Dolphins are gonna go 0-16, yea yea! If I had arms I'd be doing jazz-hands right here. Jazz-hands...
Enough! (punches his crotch) Oomph!
Everything okay in here? What was that ruckus?
N—nothing. I’m f-fine. See? G-get me an ice p-pack…. Uhhh….
This is our chance, Cam! Quick! Pick up your laptop and as soon as he comes back in with the ice, slam it into his head. He’ll never know what hit him. Although knowing that jag-off, you ask for an ice pack, he brings back a tuna salad. C'mon. Pick up the laptop and ---
(picks up laptop and slams it into his crotch) Grrrugh!
I got your ice pa-- Jesus, Cam! What is with you? You look like you're nauseous.
Peni….
What?
Penis…Pen
What?
Dick! DICK! DICK!!!
Well now you’re just being difficult again. Every time there's a break down in our communication, you go shouting out "my penis! my penis!" or call me a dick! Simply childish! I can’t work in these conditions! I need a break. I’m taking the week off! Good-bye! (slams office door)
Well that’s just fucking fantastic. Bet he’s going to Vegas. And we’re stuck here? This blows. Fucking Randy. He’s gonna find some aging hooker and over pay her while she just lays there and does nothing. You watch.
You know. Like he over paid Joey Porter? Oh come on, man! That’s gold!
Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!
Hey, I know some people in Vegas. They can take care of that contrarian little shit for us. No one ever has to know. Strictly hush-hush. Lots of unmarked graves in the desert. Know whatta mean?
(runs hard and slams crotch into the corner of the office desk, blacks out)
And so it goes for our tortured hero ...
