This is Britney Marlowe, the 2009 Dolphins Calendar cover girl.
These are the other cheerleaders congratulating Britney Marlowe after they all found out she was chosen for the cover at a cover-unveiling show. Their feigned exuberance and passive-aggressive congratulatory hugs turns me on a little bit. MAKE! OUT!
Dolphins football is back. Finally.
'Nuff said.
I'll have a game-summary here on Saturday night/Sunday morning.
Have a great weekend, Nation and, as ever, Go Fins!
-The DUDE
We're finally here! Training camp! Holy shit! It's almost football season again! My editors at Miami New Times have asked me to write up a preview of the Fins first pre-season game! And that got me very excited because I was like, yes! Pre-season is almost here! I can't stop punctuating every sentence with exclamation points! Top o' the morning to you! Tits! I won! Sale! Motherfucker! Cool! Ahhh!
Anyway, from the Herald, a training camp primer (with Duderific commentary in parenthesis):
Just one more week before the swamp assing and cockpunching commences over in Davie (and if you just stumbled upon this site via Googling "swamp ass and cock in Davie" well, you've got the wrong site. Try redneckcirclejerks.com. Thanks for stopping by).
Omar Kelly gives us a long ass list of guys he thinks are on the bubble entering next week's training camp.
Meanwhile, ESPN graces us with an Insider Preview and asks the burning questions for all 32 teams entering camp next week. For Miami, naturally, it centers around the QB position.
Of the three options, veteran QB Josh McCown gives the Dolphins the best chance to win now. He has starting experience in Arizona and Oakland, but is also mistake-prone and hardly the future of the organization. Playing McCown wouldn't be worth the extra win or two he could give Miami because it still does not translate to a playoff berth. That means it should come down to second-year QB John Beck and rookie Chad Henne. Beck was drafted in 2007 as the future quarterback of the franchise, but that was by the previous personnel and coaching staff. He'll be given every chance to prove himself, but so far, Henne has looked the best in minicamps and OTAs. But playing a rookie has risks because history says he could get hit often and lose confidence. Still, this is a question Miami must answer early in camp to silence any controversy and allow the team to rally behind the player at the most important position on the field.
Ugh. Every time I read something like this, I get the urge to shit in Dave Wannstedt, Nick Saban and Cam Cameron's mouths. In fact, my new goal in life is to find Dave Wannstedt, Nick Saban and Cam Cameron and shit in their mouths. So, if you see someone and they're not shitting in the mouths of Dave Wannstedt, Nick Saban and Cam Cameron, rest assured, that's not me.
Have a great weekend, Nation. See you Monday.
-The DUDE
By the way, our collective awesomeness helped The Right Arm of God take his rightful place as the all time greatest quarterback in NFL history. Nice job, Nation. Jesus, can you imagine Marino chucking his thunderbolts to Jerry Rice and Randy Moss while handing the ball off to Larry Czonka and Jim Brown? Wait.... wait. Yup. I just creamed my pants.
(also, there are still a couple of slots available for our FN Fantasy League. E-mail me and become a part of our dorkfest!!!) Update: League is now full.
I had planned to make my site announcement here today. But I'll save it for Monday instead. Sorry.
Meanwhile, I leave you with Megan Fox. We were fist introduced when I saw her in Transformers last year. Which means I'm pretty sure she gave my son his first boner.
Anyway, have a great weekend, Nation. See you Monday.
It's the 4th of July. Our Independence Day. America's Birthday. The day our founding fathers told the British Empire to eat a dick. It's also a day to drink beer, eat some barbecue, and set off fireworks. A shitload of fireworks.
I'll be celebrating with a grill, some brews and a few friends myself. So have fun, don't drink and drive and try not to blow a off a finger.
Happy 4th of July, Nation!
Have a great weekend. See you Monday.
The video you see above is the suddenly famous Wii Fit Hula Hoop girl. The thing about this video is that it was posted like three weeks ago and has already gotten over 4 million views. Recently, it was revealed that the girl in the video is Lauren Bernat of Miami, Florida.
So with that information in tow, I will now spend the entire weekend on a quest to find Lauren and her gorgeous ass. With only my cunning and my penis to guide me. Wish me luck.
I leave you with a link dump:
The scrawny little pecker-head you see on the left is me. The other kid is my big brother. And the mustachioed stranger in the middle -- that would be my old man in all his Magnum PI glory.
I inherited my love of sports from my Dad. I also inherited from my Dad my love of good music, pizza bagels, women with nice asses, Superman comics, Ray Harryhausen movies, and a fondness for having fun at other people's expense. Alas, I did not inherit his affinity for mustaches.
But there are three things my Dad instilled in me that has impacted my life the most. The first two are his love for the Miami Dolphins and his sarcastic and douchebaggedy wit (which explains why this blog is ensconced in it). I've been able to take both and parlay them into a somewhat successful career as a copywriter, freelance writer, and blogger.
The third thing he handed down to me was being a kick-ass Dad. And I am striving to be just that for my own little man. Like most good dads, he took me to ballgames and coached my little league teams. As a kid, he would buy me toys and as an adolescent, he always let me borrow his car whenever I had a hot date. Unlike my Mom, he's not much of a talker. But he's never had to be. Dad has always been about letting me figure things out on my own and diffusing tough situations with his humor. Yet the one place we could really communicate and talk for hours was sports -- particularly the Dolphins. To this day, it's really the one thing we talk about (outside of me constantly telling him not to spoil his grandson so much). To forget about life for a while, and just talk sports with your father. What more could a son ask for?
The man loves his wife. The man loves his sons. The man loves his grand children. The man loves his Dolphins.
And although he no longer looks like Magnum PI, he still sports the facial hair. So now he looks more like a pirate. Which not only makes my son believe his grandpa sails the seven seas in search for buried treasure, but makes my Dad more of a badass than Magnum ever was.
Happy Father's Day, Dad.
And Happy Father's Day to all you dads out there in the Nation!
You guys made my month last week with your overwhelming kick-ass responses to my re-name Hotshot post. I loved all your suggestions and laughed my ass off with every comment. Ultimately, the winner was a mix between commenters mc13 and Phranchise's suggestions of "Clappy" and "Blueballs."
The new name: Clappy McBlueballs!
The prize: My ever lasting respect. And if we ever meet, the beers are on me.
So yea. Don't fuck with The FinsNation Army! You guys rock.
And always remember what Clappy McBlueballs! says: "Hey kids! When you meet a strange lady and she says she wants to rock, remember your poor pal Clappy and don't forget your cock sock! So long!"
Have a great weekend, Nation. See you Monday.
PS: The Dolphins waived last year's sixth-round pick, OG Drew Mormino. Looks like rookie Shaun Murphy has the inside track to start at right guard opposite Justin Smiley.
