Dolphins Quotation Marks Reached Out to Bill Cowher Question Marks Exclamation Points

There’s no news like conjecture and rumor mongering! And the latest rumor floating around the interwebs is that the Dolphins have “reached out” to Bill Cowher so everyone can get super excited about it until he utterly fails like the other dipshits we deemed “Franchise Savior!”

Cowher, now an analyst for CBS Sports, said he won’t comment on coaching rumors. However, according to a source with knowledge of the situation, intermediaries for the Miami Dolphins have contacted people close to Cowher about coaching the team. Now, everyone will deny this because no one wants to admit they are looking to fill a job that’s already filled. In this case, the job of Tony Sparano. The Dolphins issued a statement to declining comment.

*wanking motion*

Ok. Fine. Whatever.

Cowher is a fine coach. And I’m sure all those anti-Suck For Luck people out there are all giggly over this news. Which baffles the shit out of me to no end and makes me want to find each and every one of them and give them a good hard cock slap.

I think it’s pretty goddamn evident at this point. It doesn’t matter who we bring in here to fix this shitstain.


From Saban to Cameron to Parcells, it’s pretty fucking clear that who we bring in to run shit is not nearly as important as who our QB is. This organization always seems to have a monster boner for the latest “top name out there” to make all our dreams come true. Yet between Saban and Parcells we’ve had roughly 6,978 starting quarterbacks since Dan Marino retired.

So Stephen Ross can spew all the gold coins from his asshole Cowher or any other hot candidate asks for. He can re-animate the corpse of George Hallas, for all I care.

His team fucks up this Suck For Luck thing and we’re all, in a word, COMPLETELY FUCKED.

Yes I know I said “in a word” and then went with two. I’m unpredictable and mercurial that way. I’m a rebel. A maverick. I guess that’s why I lead such an exciting and exotic life.

/cleans out cat litter

//falls asleep reading Nicholas Sparks novel

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