Don’t Like Our Airplane Banner Idea? Kindly Suck A Bag of Dicks.

Disclaimer: This is by far the longest blog post I’ve ever written here at FN. Sorry about that. But the message needs to be made. Consider this our mission statement for the airplane banner thing.

As you no doubt have heard by now, a plan to fly an airplane with a banner attached to it that will read MR. ROSS, SAVE OUR DOLPHINS. FIRE JEFF IRELAND was put together by us. It was DRK’s idea and from that idea a beautiful thing was born.

We needed $1,500 to make it happen.

Thanks to a faithful many (you crazy fuckers), we accomplished this purely through donations. Via this here kick-ass Sun-Sentinel 2011 SPORTS BLOG OF THE MOTHERFUCKING YEAR blog, and also via twitter. We did this within a mere four hours after posting a PayPal link.

The Huffington Post wrote about it. Then The Palm Beach Post wrote about it. Followed by,, and a bunch of other media outlets and holy shit birds people have lost their fucking minds over this thing!

So let me address those shitsticks for a moment.

I was interviewed by The Paul and Young Ron Show yesterday where I was bushwhacked and ambushed by none other meat-neck former Dolphin Kim Bokamper. His argument, like most people opposed to this whole endeavor — like this guy and this guy and a few others — is thusly:

“Jeff Ireland is not so bad but yea we need a quarterback and this organization needs better personnel decisions but he had one decent draft year and this is all Parcells’ fault anyway and ZOMG! look he drafted Jared Odrick.”

That about cover it, cuntbags?

First of all, let’s get this out of the way: Do yourself and your 12 readers a fucking favor and invest in this. It’s only like 9 bucks. If you’re going to be calling people “misguided” and “ignorant,” it’s probably not a good thing that your writing looks like you typed it with your feet.

Or at the very least, FUCKING PROOF READ. Fucksacks.

Okay. Moving on.

Look, I get that you think it’s classless to actively root against or deride one’s own team. I get that you think it’s honorable to give the powers that be the benefit of the doubt, regardless of being in the midst of yet another 7-9 season. I get that you think we’re morons, misguided, uneducated, uninformed, over the top, classless, faggots, two gay men (I’m quoting some twitter people there), idiots, bozos, jackasses, and so on.

I get that you think you’re an enlightened football fan because God knows, YOU run a super serious blog with aqua and orange colors and the Dolphins mascot on steroids sits atop your banner! And the Baby Jesus sees how you break down those YouTube videos and games you’ve DVR’d in your spare time. Shiva is very much aware that your next blog post will be about Matt Moore’s phenomenal pocket presence. You give what the people looking to read about the Dolphins are craving! THE SAME FUCKING THING ANYONE CAN FIND ON ESPN, ESPN.COM, NFL NETWORK, NFL.COM, SPORTS TALK RADIO, THE SUN-SENTINEL, MIAMI HERALD, PALM BEACH POST, CBS.COM, PFT.COM, AND FOOTBALLREFERENCE.COM.

You’re so irreverent and different! We’d all be lost mindless mongoloids, wandering the vast and endless wastelands of doltishness and fatuousness without your scholarly football wisdom! How on earth can I truly tell if Vernon Carey not moving positions will make an impact without your 10,000 word screeds on the subject? SUBJEGATE MY VAPIDITY WITH YOUR BREAKDOWN OF DABOLL’S OFFENSIVE SCHEMES! I BEG OF YOU, O HIGHEST PRIEST OF KNOWLEDGE!

I get that you think only your erudite mind and refined sense of breaking things down is above all others because, hey, you don’t think it’s very gentlemanly to fly a banner that says bad things about our general manager who has been working in our front office and calling some pretty important shots through three fucking straight nine-loss seasons.

I get that you think it’s worth keeping a guy whose lone claim to fame as a general manager is asking another human being if his mother sucked cock for money. Never mind that this player is currently one of the better up-and-coming dynamic players in the NFL and is currently playing for another team. What REALLY matters is if his mother took it in the ass from strangers for twenty bucks and a shot of Jaeger

I get that you think that Jeff Ireland had absolutely nothing to do with any of the drafts or personnel moves made since he’s been here. After all, someone had to go pay the pizza guy when he arrived at the war room with Bill and Tony’s double cheese bacon and cake frosting pie. Obviously, Jeff was paying the delivery kid when Bill drafted the shitty players, but was somehow magically there when the decent players were drafted. Maybe it was because Bill was taking a shit. Or maybe it was because Jeff never smelled whore juice on Jared Odrick.

I get that you think Jeff Ireland deserves our support when he didn’t sign Kyle Orton (even though every major news outlet tells us that was actually Stephen Ross’ call). Because greatness is measured by what you don’t do.

I get that you think him signing Cameron Wake was a genius move, when at least four other teams knew he would be great but only our owner ponied up the money he was looking for. Same goes for Dansby.

And that wet bag of shit we call an offensive line? Oh that’s totally Tony’s fault. HE is the offensive line guru, after all. Not Jeff’s fault at all. Nope.

I get that you think this team is a great quarterback away from turning around. And we agree!!! Thing is, a GM is kinda sorta supposed to find the quarterback and Jeff hasn’t exactly come through on that in his FOURTH FUCKING YEAR on the job. But, yea, totally. Let’s keep him around until he does. Then you’ll be proven right and the rest of us lowly unenlightened fans will see!

I get all that.

But here’s the thing.

We disagree.

Because, you see, we’re sick and fucking tired of the banality, the mediocrity, the downright river of shit we as a fanbase have been languishing in for the better part of a decade.

We know the banner means nothing. We don’t expect Ross to see it and go, “Hey I need to re-think this whole thing!”

I mean, if Jeff did somehow get fired we’d totally take the credit for it. BUT, we don’t expect anything.

The point of the banner is that we want these assholes to know they’re on fucking notice.

Want them to know that we’re NOT in lockstep with the rest of the Nazi Zombie fans.

That it’s not okay to continue to be 7-9 and miss the playoffs year after year after year.

We fucking DEMAND that this shit changes.

If nothing else, we hope the banner wakes these fuckers up and scares them straight.

We want to embarrass them. Not because we’re classless or uneducated or misinformed.

But because we’re sick and fucking tired of the shit. How can you NOT be?

When did banality and mediocrity become acceptable to this proud fanbase?

Classless? Uneducated? Fuck you.

We demand better. That’s it.

Another season of 7-9 is acceptable to you? Fine.

But there’s a vocal and growing crowd of Dolphins fans who are sick of this shit and we’re taking it to the streets.

We love our team enough to stop wanting it to SUCK GOD DAMN MONKEY COCK ALREADY.

The banner is love. Love for our football team. Love for your football team.

Fuck, it’s downright American!

And if you can’t see that, then we’re sorry.

Now go write another epic blog post about the differences between Tom Olividotti’s defense and Mike Nolan’s defense and suck a bag of dicks.

A whole bag of them.

— Chris Joseph, Roger Paul, The FinsNation Army, And Tired Dolphins Fans Everywhere

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