FinsNation Draft Predictions: Part One

It’s a sad day in Dolphins land with yesterday’s passing of Jim Mandich. The Mad Dog will be dearly missed (can’t tell you how often his show made me crack up while listening to him on drives from school to work in da MIA) but the show must go on. I’ve got a crazy next few days coming up so here’s my half-assed draft prediction/breakdown.

What the Dolphins will do: It’s no secret. That Ginger fuck is DYING to trade down or even out of the first round to pick up more picks, particularly one in the 2nd. HOW ELSE ARE WE GOING TO PICK A SHITTY QB IN THE 2ND ROUND IF WE DON’T HAVE ONE?!?!?! So I predict there’s a small run on DE’s in the first round and some team (Steelers? Seahawks?) will move quickly to trade a 2nd rounder to move up to the 15th spot. With that pick the Dolphins will take (drumroll): Gabe Carimi, T, Wisconsin. He’s the perfect white boy, big, slow, boring O-line pick to compliment the WAR HAMMER on the other side. Garner will play Guard, Incognito will play Center and some other unknown guy (maybe Jerry finally?) will have to fill the 2nd Guard spot. Vernon Carey could be doneskis (and if you think he can move to Guard, Omar Kelly WILL kill you). The additional 2nd rd pick will allow the Dolphins to take some shithead like Andy Dalton. GINGER REVOLUTION HAS COMETH!!!

What the Dolphins SHOULD do: Pray for some miracle resolution to the lockout to trade someone, move up and get some impact player like Alabama’s Julio Jones, Von Miller or even Blaine Gabbert. The safe route hasn’t gotten us fucking anywhere but this organization will always choose the boy scout / hall monitor / teacher’s pet / Junior Woodchuck’s Guide Book fuckface du jour. We need a playmaker with speed or we need to settle this QB situation once and for all. Re: QB position – It’s been 12 fucking years, people, and the last guy that was worth a shit (that we didn’t rent for a single season) was fucking JAY FIEDLER. I’m sick of this shit and so are you. Does this administration have the testicular fortitude to gut it out and make a fucking move? I doubt it but I guess we’ll find out shortly.

If the Dolphins stay at #15: I could easily see the Pouncey pick happen because we handle a pretty desperate need and could just keep Vernon for another year until he falls to pieces by the 6th game. Dude is on borrowed time. I don’t see Mark Ingram happening at all. If they get Martez Wilson, I will personally shoot Sparano in the face. Leonard Hankerson would be a bit of a reach here but I think that dude has a chance to be really, really special and is extremely undervalued.

Conclusion: This FO has made a big stink about getting more speed on the team but it ain’t happening in the first round. That’s not how these dudes operate. They want big people from big schools with lots of career starts. They will always choose the safe route in the first round. I hope I’m wrong and they take a chance – our success as a team and their jobs depend on it.

The Dude will have his take tomorrow. Pray for us this weekend.

Update: How could I forget this guy?!?!?!

Ry Mizzle
Yo muthafucka, yo muthafucka, yo

Ry Mizzy’s da maaaaan and da place to go,

My feet be slow but mah rhymes be quick,

I gots Texarkana pussy juice all over mah dick.

As Sean Smith might say: Yeaaaaa…that shit ain’t finna happen. smh.

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