Mike McCoy Might Be Our Next Coach, Looks Like A Cartoon Turtle

With the shitheads who run our team narrowing things down to three of the most mundane and insipid coaching candidates to ever be assembled by a professional sports franchise, at least one of them is feeling preeeaatttaaaayyy cocky about his chances at being named the next head coach of the Miami Dolphins.

According to sources, Denver Broncos offensive coordinator Mike McCoy is feeling so good about his interview with the the Dolphins that he’s asked the Raiders to take him out of the running for their coaching vacancy:

It is unclear if McCoy was led to believe he is the front-runner by the Dolphins. The Dolphins are not commenting to the extent they declined to even confirm which candidates are being interviewed in the second round. The club did confirm completed interviews during the first-round of interviews.

McCoy is scheduled to have a second interview with the Fins today.

As for FN, we endorse Mike McCoy with a hardy meh and a jubilant wet fart.

Out of the three guys these geniuses could narrow shit down to, DRK and I agree that McCoy seems the least shittiest. Bowles looks like a nice guy, but is obviously not the one. And Philbin scares us because he didn’t even have full play-calling duties at Green Bay. What the shit is that?

So McCoy is our guy by default. He’s young, did a decent job making Tebow look like an actual fucking quarterback sometimes, and has even worked with The Puppet when the two were in Carolina. Also, he looks like a cartoon turtle, which would give a whole new meaning to the stupid “shit on a turtle” running gag we have here. It’s all very meta.

Meanwhile, there’s this:

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen has hinted that G.M. Jeff Ireland and advisor Carl Peterson have had different ideas about what the team should be looking for.

Our team has morphed into one giant box of broken dicks.

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