Presenting: The 2013 J.R. Tolver Award

trophy 3


For today, on this 6th of September, in the Year of our Lord, Omar Kelly, did his most gracious of all Dolphins soothsayers/mother-sexing deities decree that the final, YES FINAL, J.R. Tolver Award Winner for Wide Receivers That Show Promise, Ability, Zeal, Athleticism, Toughness, Discipline, Chutzpah Only To Continuously Disappoint Us in the Regular Season Until They Are Cast off the Side of an Aircraft Carrier Like a Terrorist Islamic Extremist would be passed down from the Heavens and out of Omar Kelly’s most gracious bowel movement.  DEUCES, INDEEEEEEEED.

(trumpets blaring, the crowd gathers in the town square, gats in hand, Tupac verses mumbling under their collective breath)

The Constable Dat Roro Kid, with a freshly-moistened and excrement-soiled scroll delivered straight out of Omar Kelly’s perfectly round ‘fruity booty’, begins his announcement to the gathered masses:

7 replies on “Presenting: The 2013 J.R. Tolver Award”

Damn you…. you couldn’t let my Hope Springs eternal feeling continue for just 3 more days. Here I am cruising along setting fantasy rosters and dreaming of actually picking and using some Dolphins. Then FAAAAAARRRRRRRTTTTTT noise you ruin it. I feel like that time in the 5th grade when some pricks convinced me to ask out the prettiest girl in class because she thought I was cute. I told myself I would never be duped like that again… yet somehow my mighty Dolphins manage to do it to me very year.

One post from DRK brings me from cloud 9 to the bottom of a concert porta-john. Ohh Dolphins you wretched bitch how you break my heart so.

Hope springs eternal until its dashed. I am still hoping for a 10 win season. Warren Sapp (a veritable genius) is on the record saying Tannehill will beet Marino’s (his holiness may his right arm rest in peace) 1985 5K yards record. If thats not cause for optimism then what is?

First off, Chad Bumphis was robbed. Secondly, you couldn’t pony up the couple bucks at 123RF to get a non-watermarked image for the trophy. Us illustrators have to pay bills too.

I had to come back to this post to say, Fucking A, what a genius pick this was in light of the first game and “Ask Coach, I don’t make the game plan.” I think maybe the wrong Mike Wallace suited up for 60 minutes. Ireland put the dead one in uniform. Actually, however, I am still hopeful Mikey turns it around and gives us a deep ball threat that should open up the running game a tad, which is what the running game was Sunday, a tad.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *