So Long, 99 … And Thanks For All the Asskickery

Jason Taylor is playing his last game on Sunday, and that blows big gargantuan camel nuts because he’s pretty much the last Dolphins player I truly give a shit about.

I remember being at a Dolphins-Raiders game during his rookie season and seeing this tall motherfucker jumping off the line of scrimmage with insane speed and mauling Jeff Hostetler like a goddamn grizzly on roids and Red Bull. It was then that I, and everyone in that stadium, knew we had something special in that dude wearing 99. It was the tits.

Jason Taylor just exudes badassery in all its forms. Built like a linebacker, athletic like a power forward and blessed with arms of iron and abs that can grate cheese, Taylor walks away having pretty much sealed his spot in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Although his bust might melt all the others in his section of the building with its awesomeness.

JT leaves the game with 139 sacks (sixth all-time), is number one in fumble returns for touchdowns (6), and has an entire wing of his mansion filled with pieces of Tom Brady’s ass.

Taylor is also a six-time Pro Bowler and a five-time All-Pro selection. He won the Alumni Pass Rusher of the Year in 2000, won AFC Defensive Player of the Year in 2002 and 2006, the NFL Alumni Defensive Lineman Player of the Year in 2005 and 2006, was the AP NFL Defensive Player of the Year and the PFWA Defensive Player of the Year in 2006, and he won the Walter Payton Man of the Year Award in 2007, where he was given the award during halftime of the Super Bowl where the Patriots choked away their bid for a 19-0 season. Holy fuck Jason Taylor owned Tom Brady even when he didn’t play him! They just had to step on the same field, and JT would roundhouse kick Brady’s hopes and dreams right in the dick.

And if you’re still all mad at JT for going to the Jets last year, you need to have a slice of get the fuck over it and cut that shit out already. The guy was forced out by Bill Parcells — the same fucker who has ruined your team and gave us both Tony Sparano and Jeff Ireland. Taylor went where he was wanted. Not his fault.

No matter what, JT is an all-time Dolphin and always will be. Unlike dudes such as Joe Montana, Brett Favre, or Johnny Unitas, Taylor is actually ending his career with the team he kicked the most ass with. Embrace it, Nation. Just like Marino, we may not see such a single dominant force on this team in a long time.

So remember that when you Google him in the future to look up his stats and compare them to the new supposed defensive stand-out we just drafted. You’ll be both sad and in awe of JT’s greatness. But at least it’ll be better than when Tom Brady Googles him and, instead of the search engine reading “Do you mean Jason Taylor?” it reads, “RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE, COCKBAG!” before shooting sparks and exploding.

So long, 99.

Thank you.

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