The Dolphins Supposed #1 Target is Mike Wallace

Reports (specifically from everyone’s favorite homophobe/biblical quoter/target of racially-tinged police I-595 tailgating, Omar Kelly) are beginning to surface that the #1 target for Rosencrantz and Gildenstern over there is Steelers WR Mike Wallace. The good news: Wallace is one of the fastest players in the league and is a proven touchdown machine that can spread the defense. Finally, a real deep threat for the Dolphins – something that’s been missing since Irving Fucking Fryar used to play for us. Bad news: Homeboy wants upwards of $60 mil, which will severely deplete our FA money bin on a dude that many think is not worth that kinda coin (like, say, a Vincent Jackson).

Still, it’s moderately intriguing despite being VERY early in the offseason and maybe a sign that the FO wants to finally invest in some playmakers to inspire an offense that mostly looks like a bundle of 60 year old dicks on Sundays.

Our take on what will happen? Ireland will do a 720 flip, land in a split with double middle fingers out and a big ole’ ginger smile. “NO WAY, JOSE!” he’ll say. Then he’ll shit his pants full of Indian food and Ross will give him a 30-year contract extension.

Fuck this team.

P.S. We miss you guys.

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