The Preseason is Mercifully Over


Welp, that’s all over and done with.  After 5 pretty painful, pointless games, the Dolphins will kick off the 2013 season next Sunday in Cleveland.  What can we take away from meaningless games involving several men that will be taking Pizza Hut orders in the next week or so?  Well, not much but certainly a few things:


  • There were times I was really impressed by Tannehill and it seemed as though the connection between him and his new weapons improved as the preseason went on.
  • The defense has a chance to actually be special this year and not that ‘Feed The Wolf’ bullshit.  There’s some concern about CB depth and I’m still not convinced we have anyone that can cover a tight end in the seam but that’s our albatross.
  • The D-Line is nasty
  • Will Davis looks like he can make some plays and might be an impact player this year.
  • Caleb Sturgis can kick the fuck out of the ball.
  • I think Brandon Gibson is suddenly the big X-factor on this team and his performance (especially in the Red Zone) will dictate  whether or not this team will be successful.


  • Fuck you Preseason, for taking away Dustin Keller.  He was poised to have a really great season, we thought, and now that’s all unicorn vomit.  Instead, Egnew keeps his roster spot and Charles Fucking Clay becomes the #1 tight end.  Motherfucker.  Pencil in Sims as the starter by the time the 5th game rolls around or so.
  • The offensive line continues to be a disaster and didn’t really show much improvement as the preseason progressed.  I’m really, really worried about that unit.  Jonathan Martin is pedestrian against even slightly above-average pass rushers and I have more faith in lending Dez Bryant’s whore crackhead mom $50 than in whatever’s going on on the right side of the line.  I pray for Tannyboy.
  • The running back situation is a total question mark.  At times, Lamar Miller seems like his UM-self but then there are times he’s bottled up pretty quickly.  The fact we don’t have a true BRUISER of a running back concerns me and makes me think we should keep Jonas Gray above Gillislee but that’s not gonna happen because IRELAND.
  • Tannehill looks more comfortable but he’s a bit too inconsistent.  He’ll have one great drive out of 4 and that’s just not a great average.  Losing Keller only hurts him more and I fear we’ll see more FGs than we would have if we’d had Keller.
  • We’d better hope for a pretty healthy year because the 2nd and 3rd teamers are fucking hot garbage most of the time.
  • The lack of Dion Jordan action – FOR A #3 OVERALL PICK WE TRADED UP TO GET – is a bit disconcerting at this point.
  • I still hate the uniforms.  Kinda.  Mostly.

Really, we’re just glad the fake football is out of the way and the real season starts soon. 

Enjoy the weekend, Nation.



12 replies on “The Preseason is Mercifully Over”

Tits and unicorn vomit. Awesome.

7-9, 8-8 or 9-7. A renewal of Jeff Ireland’s contract. Firing of offensive coordinator and defensive coordinator gets head coaching position elsewhere. We have money and draft picks heading into the new season and move up to pick injured Johnny Manziel who autographs his contract one week after training camp starts but he is still too injured to play.

We should move up to take Clowney regardless of what our oline looks like. He could end Brady’s career and that is really all any of us really wants anyhow. I don’t want to start the suck for Clowney bandwagon started yet merely because “suck” and “clown” don’t belong in the same sentence.

Whoo yeah! My robes are standing stiff for this new season to start.

Gotta say, that write up was right-fuckin-on. You know, reading all the local rags bullshit really drives home the honest “true-dat” feeling of this blog…that feeling that makes me truly feel at one with you bitches writing this blog…realizing, of course, that I have already had infinite compassion and transcendent, unconditional love for you all since the beginning of time. Um…duh! But this this was just another affirmation of that. And…perhaps the multiple pints of monk-mead certianly doesn’t hurt either. TRUE-DAT, BITCHES!!

I’m feeling 19-0. Yeah, I said it. Its what every other one of you mother fuckers are dreaming for. And because I love you, I’m going to say it for you. I’ll be wrong, but every mother fucking one of you hopes down to your tire-track-stained boxers that I’m right. I’ll take the heat when I’m wrong, but until I die, and then until the next reincarnated Salvadore Dalai Lama is dead and until the next one dies and then that next one…until THAT one is 50 (or so), I’ll say that the Phins go 19-0 (’cause those asses at NFL HQ will never raise the number of games in a season until we do another perfect season). And then that’s when it’ll happen.

So the good news is that, eventually, I’ll live to see another Dolphins perfect season. The bad news is that none of you fuckers will. Just know that I love you all unconditionally, but my Dharma says I need to keep going until we do this shit right…again.

Go Phins…and go Finsnation! Y’all are doing it right.

ps. Lamas love the boobies…much better than thrice cut Carpenters. Don’t get me wrong…some of my best friends are carpenters…(sorry Jesus, old buddy old pal).

pps. I’m so not local (and moving ever further from local this weekend…out to the country to commune with nature, view the stars and the Milky Way Galaxy from my front porch, meditate on the path of enlightenment and sneak in some Sunday morning (10am here…ugh!) redesigned-Phins-logo action (but not with the silver-surfer-themed-and-stylized logo I wanted and envisioned). So here’s my request: could y’all post the links of your usually great recaps (don’t get cocky bitches!) of the game from the New Times when you write them? You normally do that, but just know that I can never seem to find your articles from the main site…but my old, curly mustache may just be getting in my line of sight. Thanks!! Y’all are the Shit’s Nizz!

Maybe I am a little biased because I went to Dillard High in Ft. Laudy, but I think we could have used Tyms as a sure handed TE instead of cutting him. Now we are stuck with Clay.

Cheers to a new team, new logo, new season

Let’s enjoy the Dolphins beating the Browns 31-13

Cuz after that it’s prob gonna suck 4 Fin Fans

Home expecting 2-3 or 1-4 after the first five games but NFL enjoyable non the less 🙂

Sadly, my rant against Stephen Ross didn’t make the cut for Deadspin’s WHY YOUR TEAM SUCK – MIAMI DOLPHINS edition. Understandable since it was a tad lengthy (that’s what she said), so allow me to dump it right here like a fresh, steamy pile of angst…

“Our owner Stephen Ross is a carnival barker whose level of “crazy is ascending to Jerry Jones / Al Davis levels. Aside from his cross country flight to flirt with coach Jim Harbaugh while still employing the services of Tony Sparano, his obsession with getting B-list celebrities like Marc Anthony, Fergie and Venus Williams as minority owners (pun intended) is downright embarrassing. Worse yet, he assumed ownership and immediately begged the NFL to avoid scheduling 1pm (EST) kickoffs in the month of September for home games. He did this citing “fan comfort” and, including the 2013 schedule, we aren’t having a home 1pm September kickoff for a 4th straight year. Are you fucking kidding me?! That’s our home field advantage you stupid, old fuck! MEMO TO ROSS: WINNING MAKES ME COMFORTABLE! Know what else comforts me? Watching an opposing team’s OL & DL puke on the field in the 2nd half of games under the scorching south FL sun in September. You damn sure don’t see the Patriots or Bills begging the NFL to avoid December night games for fear of fan discomfort. Coincidentally, we are in the midst of an unprecedented 4 year losing streak, which also makes me uncomfortable. How about you fire Jeff Ireland, because much like herpes we can’t seem to shake the ginger GM who misses more frequently than he hits? Why not focus on funding the stadium improvements (ie: roof) your damn self instead of trying to bilk taxpayers like your name was Jeffrey Loria? Instead you just continue implementing ridiculous changes like orange VIP carpet and running a night club in what is supposed to be our football stadium. Sadly, my Dolphins are fast becoming the Raiders. Hootie was right – the Dolphins make me cry.”

Nooooooo, we cannot be the Raiders. Their uniforms are sort of cool and our are downright rainbow pride teal and creamsicle 70s shiny rayon polyester fake silk shirt looking embarassments.

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